Kids who just aren’t affectionate

[Anonymous]

Granted he is 12 now, but he was always a little aloof. Never liked kissing or being kissed, same with hugging. He is NT from what I can tell. He used to want to sleep in the same bed with me but of course it’s been long gone. I have never once heard from my kid that he loves me.
When he was 5, I overheard him saying to his friend that he “hates love”.
Sharp as a tack, wry sense of humor, sarcastic attitude (not cruel or mean but also not your sweet child). He does talk to me and share some of his feelings or thoughts so the trust is there, but almost no affection. And of course now he wants even more privacy and alone time than before.
I just wanted to know if there any other kids like that out there, and if so, do you guys think it’s nature or nurture? And should I be concerned or is it just the way he is?

[Anonymous]

Does he show empathy to at least some other people at some times?

[Anonymous]

Any number of things could be going on with him, from the relatively benign to the very bad. Have you considered setting him up with the opportunity to work with a school or mental health counselor at least briefly?

In my half century of experience it strikes me as a little odd for a kid to express a hatred for love and to be so withholding of affection even with a beloved parent. There is such a diversity of personality types and some of them do come with avoidant issues re: intimacy. If your son is on that end of the spectrum of human personality, it could really help him moving forward in life to work on his issues around attachment and intimacy.

[Anonymous]

My 8 year old is like this. No big deal, it’s his personality. He doesn’t cry much unless he is super frustrated. He is very sarcastic. He has to have the last word. He is smart but no genius. He has friends. He smiles, he makes eye contact. It’s just him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does he show empathy to at least some other people at some times?

I am not sure how to answer. I have never seen him cry reading a book or watching a movie, I have never heard him express empathy outright, but he is not cruel or aggressive, he has a few friends etc

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 8 year old is like this. No big deal, it’s his personality. He doesn’t cry much unless he is super frustrated. He is very sarcastic. He has to have the last word. He is smart but no genius. He has friends. He smiles, he makes eye contact. It’s just him.

Thank you! My kid is angry more often than sad/crying if he is upset. He is my only so I don’t know how normal all this is.

[Anonymous]

I am very much like this (was as a child, too). As an adult, I’ve learned to tolerate hugs from friends, hugs from my husband, and affection with my kids. 99% of the people who know me would think I’m affectionate. I love people and I’m super extroverted, I just prefer people to stay out of my physical space!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Any number of things could be going on with him, from the relatively benign to the very bad. Have you considered setting him up with the opportunity to work with a school or mental health counselor at least briefly?

In my half century of experience it strikes me as a little odd for a kid to express a hatred for love and to be so withholding of affection even with a beloved parent. There is such a diversity of personality types and some of them do come with avoidant issues re: intimacy. If your son is on that end of the spectrum of human personality, it could really help him moving forward in life to work on his issues around attachment and intimacy.

We tried the school counselor for something that manifested like classroom behavior issues but it wasn’t a good experience at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am very much like this (was as a child, too). As an adult, I’ve learned to tolerate hugs from friends, hugs from my husband, and affection with my kids. 99% of the people who know me would think I’m affectionate. I love people and I’m super extroverted, I just prefer people to stay out of my physical space!

I have so many questions for you!
Do you ever say I love you to anyone?
Did you parents ever complain how you never hug or kiss them? Or did you kiss them but not hug?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am very much like this (was as a child, too). As an adult, I’ve learned to tolerate hugs from friends, hugs from my husband, and affection with my kids. 99% of the people who know me would think I’m affectionate. I love people and I’m super extroverted, I just prefer people to stay out of my physical space!

I am like this too and always have been! I'm pretty empathetic and extroverted, but I'm not into a lot of physical touch. I've sort of gotten over it with kids (and dogs!) but it's not my go-to love language by any means. I am neurotypical without anxiety, depression, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am very much like this (was as a child, too). As an adult, I’ve learned to tolerate hugs from friends, hugs from my husband, and affection with my kids. 99% of the people who know me would think I’m affectionate. I love people and I’m super extroverted, I just prefer people to stay out of my physical space!

That was me too, and my friends know not to touch me. I am not too touchy with my kids either. I show my love in other ways.

OP, it's nature, and there isn't much you can do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Any number of things could be going on with him, from the relatively benign to the very bad. Have you considered setting him up with the opportunity to work with a school or mental health counselor at least briefly?

In my half century of experience it strikes me as a little odd for a kid to express a hatred for love and to be so withholding of affection even with a beloved parent. There is such a diversity of personality types and some of them do come with avoidant issues re: intimacy. If your son is on that end of the spectrum of human personality, it could really help him moving forward in life to work on his issues around attachment and intimacy.

🙄 Give quick hugs from behind (That way they don’t have to embarrass their teen selves by putting their arms around you as well) and just keep saying light loving things. Just because he feels awkward showing it to you doesn’t mean he doesn’t like hearing it from you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any number of things could be going on with him, from the relatively benign to the very bad. Have you considered setting him up with the opportunity to work with a school or mental health counselor at least briefly?

In my half century of experience it strikes me as a little odd for a kid to express a hatred for love and to be so withholding of affection even with a beloved parent. There is such a diversity of personality types and some of them do come with avoidant issues re: intimacy. If your son is on that end of the spectrum of human personality, it could really help him moving forward in life to work on his issues around attachment and intimacy.

🙄 Give quick hugs from behind (That way they don’t have to embarrass their teen selves by putting their arms around you as well) and just keep saying light loving things. Just because he feels awkward showing it to you doesn’t mean he doesn’t like hearing it from you!

Why would you give quick hugs from behind to someone who, throughout his entire life, has expressed to you that he does not want to be hugged? That's honestly kind of mean. Like sneaking up on someone and tickling them against their will once a day.

[Anonymous]

I'm like this and was since I got past babyhood. I still don't really enjoy telling my parents or inlaws that I love them, and I don't like physical touch that much. I'll say I love you to my spouse and my niece, and I do have love for other people. I can write a nice love letter, and I can handle some level of touch, but probably less than my spouse would like. I can cuddle my pets. I don't have any diagnoses, but tend towards anxiety and some mild sensory stuff...there's a lot of ADHD in my extended family and I relate to some of that too.

But if it helps, OP, I have a good education and a job that suits me well. My marriage is good, I do a lot of volunteer work, and I have maintained some great friendships over many decades. My life has some quirkiness, but I enjoy it. And I have a good relationship with my parents--I don't think we 100% understand each other all the time, but I appreciate them and am happy to spend time with them.

[Anonymous]

Do all you PPs who ‘don’t like physical touch’ also dislike and are ambivalent about sex?