Going back to work after being a SAHP for many years

[Anonymous]

Why did you go back to work OP?

[Anonymous]

1) Post more details about your work situation in the Careers forum so you can get advice on if it’s actually toxic or it’s your anxiety talking

2) Hire a lot of help. I don’t know a single WOHM who doesn’t have PT or FT help like nanny, au pair, housekeeper who does laundry and meal prep

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did you go back to work OP?

My children are older and all in school now so I have the capacity. To bring extra income, but mainly to do something I really am interested in and care about. I have also been craving the intellectual challenge and working together with others to solve problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know this is probably not the appropriate forum, but I'm not sure where else to post. I've been a SAHP for many years now and I'm returning to work. I think I've always struggled a bit with interpersonal relationships and navigating new territory. Honestly, parenting was such a huge learning curve for me, and I managed to do okay, even though I don't think it comes naturally. I read every parenting book, I posted a lot of questions here.

I'm going back to work, but in a whole different field than what I was doing before, but related to volunteer work that I did during my stay at home years. I am finding it really, really hard and stressful at times. The hardest part for me is navigating people. I'm trying to figure out who are my allies, and figuring out how to deal with people who are problematic, and people who have ulterior motives, and also just relearning how to work on a team together.

It does make me appreciate my family more, because I know they have my back, and I already know and feel safe with them. But being out in the working world, just feels incredibly unsafe to me right now. Work dynamics are complicated, and there's a lot of history. I am trying to stay out of the drama, but it seems unavoidable. It feels uncomfortable feeling constantly evaluated, judged, and I do feel like there are at least a couple people at work who seem to be very unimpressed by me and have already made their judgments, even before I started the job.

I feel really alone being the only new person. And while there are people I can reach out to, and ask questions, the environment here, is that there is really no one here to help get me oriented and acclimated.

And then there is the new balancing of work and being a parent and household management and social life - it is all so overwhelming all at once. There is no free time at all. And I'm having trouble sleeping. And I feel alone. I'm not sure if this is just a temporary transitional feeling. Or if I'm no longer cut out for working out of the home anymore. And I feel like I am being a bad parent because I just am so tired and exhausted after dealing with work all day and going up what seems like an overwhelming learning curve every day.

I am venting but I also would love to hear some stories - to see if others felt the same, and whether it got better, and what helped you get through it.

As someone who was just laid off from my first corporate job where all these dynamics are much more underhanded, I can tell you now to start looking for your next job. Seriously, start looking now because it is easier to find another job while you are still employed.

I should have been looking 6 months ago when things started to feel wrong. Do not doubt your instincts, start talking to recruiters.

I am also a former SAHP. It was particularly hard for me because the return to work coincided with the dissolution of my marriage and my kids were still in early elementary grades. The time demands of being an employee and primary parent were hard and in the first year I almost gave up. But the time demands will reduce as the kids get older. My 2nd job actually paid more and let me work less so I could still parent. 3rd job was Middle school years, kids didn't need me much so I could commit full time. Each job was an income spike. You will have increasingly more time to develop your professional life. Work turned out to be a source of sanity and structure. In retrospect, I am so grateful for it.

The transitional weirdness you are feeling now will not go away. Not so long from now you will feel the transition of them leaving for college. I was just looking at my calendar book from when my youngest started K - oh the sheer amount of expected parent participation in class visits, field trips, birthday events, school holiday events, parent teacher conferences....sometimes it was multiple per day because I had two kids. Today my oldest is a senior in a SHSAT high school and I've only attended 1 parent teacher conference in 4 years. I'm also paying for an 18th birthday event I'm not invited to.

I guess I can't help but to think that there will always be a couple people like that in EVERY workplace. It was like that at my former workplace, but because the former place just had a lot more people, it was harder to ignore. This current job is a much smaller world and you really just have to learn to work together. I want to stay at this job for a while because they are giving me the opportunity to get on the job training, which might be hard to get otherwise.

I'm glad to hear that things got better for you after a rough first year. Also, yes, will need to roll with the punches with every life transition. I keep telling myself this is a good growth opportunity!

[Anonymous]

Thanks all for the advice, support, and sharing your experience. I feel better about it. I do think I need to find some good allies and just get used to the culture and processes. I am already learning a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1) Post more details about your work situation in the Careers forum so you can get advice on if it’s actually toxic or it’s your anxiety talking

2) Hire a lot of help. I don’t know a single WOHM who doesn’t have PT or FT help like nanny, au pair, housekeeper who does laundry and meal prep

LOL. I mean it would help, but a lot of us out there don't have that.

[Anonymous]

It’s probably not a great office environment, I agree that you may want to search for a better fit. And congrats! Going back to work is not an easy thing to do!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1) Post more details about your work situation in the Careers forum so you can get advice on if it’s actually toxic or it’s your anxiety talking

2) Hire a lot of help. I don’t know a single WOHM who doesn’t have PT or FT help like nanny, au pair, housekeeper who does laundry and meal prep

Everyone always suggests (2) but they never acknowledge that hiring is a job in and of itself, and for someone overwhelmed already it can be too much to place yet one more demanding task on their plate. Place job ads, schedule interviews, etc. Not to mention that the "help" is often just sh*tty. Seriously. Nannies who expect $25/hour to stare at their phones, dogwalkers who do not walk the dogs, we've had them all.

[Anonymous]

A hard part of returning to work for many women is that expectations about roles at home have already been set, and it can be hard for the spouse who has been working without home responsibilities to start picking up slack at home. I know how everyone likes their food cut, I can make dinner in 20 minutes, I can tell our daughters' clothes apart in the laundry, I know all of the parents at pickup so I'm the playdate planner, etc. Is your spouse doing their part?

[Anonymous]

It’s hard to know from what you’ve written if you’re prone to anxiety or the workplace is a pit of vipers or it’s a combination.

I’m a mom but only took a very short mat leave so have no career gap. I can provide insight on having worked for 4 different companies / organizations. Some companies are way more competitive and some the people work more like a team and help each other way more. Is your supervisor particularly hands off or are all the supervisors like that? Even with a very hands off supervisor you should be able to have a monthly 1:1 where you can ask for guidance about how to get up to speed. If your supervisor cannot provide a minimum level of support, l think you should start looking for a better fit job. If there are happy hours or other socializing l suggest you go to one or 2 to try to make some friends at work, maybe that you don’t interact with regularly at work but who you can ask for guidance on how to be successful at the company.

[Anonymous]

Is it a nonprofit? Some of them are just terrible places to work. They rely on your commitment to the cause to offset a dysfunctional environment. I would consider the possibility that it’s just this place and keep an eye out for a new job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1) Post more details about your work situation in the Careers forum so you can get advice on if it’s actually toxic or it’s your anxiety talking

2) Hire a lot of help. I don’t know a single WOHM who doesn’t have PT or FT help like nanny, au pair, housekeeper who does laundry and meal prep

Everyone always suggests (2) but they never acknowledge that hiring is a job in and of itself, and for someone overwhelmed already it can be too much to place yet one more demanding task on their plate. Place job ads, schedule interviews, etc. Not to mention that the "help" is often just sh*tty. Seriously. Nannies who expect $25/hour to stare at their phones, dogwalkers who do not walk the dogs, we've had them all.

Short term pain, long term gain. And IME, the people who consistently complain about terrible help are just… terrible employers. Bad at choosing, bad at managing, bad at compensating, unpleasant to interact with. My neighbors have gone through a nanny a year for the past five years. They blame the nannies too. Meanwhile, we have had the same lovely nanny for seven years and, if all goes well, for several more. She is not perfect but she is overall great. I have also helped connect some of her friends with our friends who were looking to employ, and those relationships have turned out well too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know this is probably not the appropriate forum, but I'm not sure where else to post. I've been a SAHP for many years now and I'm returning to work. I think I've always struggled a bit with interpersonal relationships and navigating new territory. Honestly, parenting was such a huge learning curve for me, and I managed to do okay, even though I don't think it comes naturally. I read every parenting book, I posted a lot of questions here.

I'm going back to work, but in a whole different field than what I was doing before, but related to volunteer work that I did during my stay at home years. I am finding it really, really hard and stressful at times. The hardest part for me is navigating people. I'm trying to figure out who are my allies, and figuring out how to deal with people who are problematic, and people who have ulterior motives, and also just relearning how to work on a team together.

It does make me appreciate my family more, because I know they have my back, and I already know and feel safe with them. But being out in the working world, just feels incredibly unsafe to me right now. Work dynamics are complicated, and there's a lot of history. I am trying to stay out of the drama, but it seems unavoidable. It feels uncomfortable feeling constantly evaluated, judged, and I do feel like there are at least a couple people at work who seem to be very unimpressed by me and have already made their judgments, even before I started the job.

I feel really alone being the only new person. And while there are people I can reach out to, and ask questions, the environment here, is that there is really no one here to help get me oriented and acclimated.

And then there is the new balancing of work and being a parent and household management and social life - it is all so overwhelming all at once. There is no free time at all. And I'm having trouble sleeping. And I feel alone. I'm not sure if this is just a temporary transitional feeling. Or if I'm no longer cut out for working out of the home anymore. And I feel like I am being a bad parent because I just am so tired and exhausted after dealing with work all day and going up what seems like an overwhelming learning curve every day.

I am venting but I also would love to hear some stories - to see if others felt the same, and whether it got better, and what helped you get through it.

I also went to work after being SAHP for many years . I still get anxiety and feel that I’m not as good as others. Im socially spent every day - I have to interact with many people, it’s exhausting sometimes. I miss being at home. I would very much prefer a work from home career where I can just complete my own work without constant mingling with others.

[Anonymous]

I went back 4 years ago after 8 years and it's been both a disaster but amazing learning experience.

I didn't read all the comments, but my recommendation is to have a coach or other support network in place. I relied on my DH and that was a major mistake as it just ended up giving him words for the insecurities and anxieties he's been carrying that he dumped right back on me. (Which was the emotional dynamic he'd enjoyed and I'd been able to accommodate during my SAH years).

Took awhile (plus a pandemic, an ADHD diagnosis, therapy, and coaching) to sort things out and I feel more confident about earning again.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

If you've always struggled with interpersonal relationships and new situations, could you be neurodivergent in some way?