Going back to work after being a SAHP for many years

[Anonymous]

I know this is probably not the appropriate forum, but I'm not sure where else to post. I've been a SAHP for many years now and I'm returning to work. I think I've always struggled a bit with interpersonal relationships and navigating new territory. Honestly, parenting was such a huge learning curve for me, and I managed to do okay, even though I don't think it comes naturally. I read every parenting book, I posted a lot of questions here.

I'm going back to work, but in a whole different field than what I was doing before, but related to volunteer work that I did during my stay at home years. I am finding it really, really hard and stressful at times. The hardest part for me is navigating people. I'm trying to figure out who are my allies, and figuring out how to deal with people who are problematic, and people who have ulterior motives, and also just relearning how to work on a team together.

It does make me appreciate my family more, because I know they have my back, and I already know and feel safe with them. But being out in the working world, just feels incredibly unsafe to me right now. Work dynamics are complicated, and there's a lot of history. I am trying to stay out of the drama, but it seems unavoidable. It feels uncomfortable feeling constantly evaluated, judged, and I do feel like there are at least a couple people at work who seem to be very unimpressed by me and have already made their judgments, even before I started the job.

I feel really alone being the only new person. And while there are people I can reach out to, and ask questions, the environment here, is that there is really no one here to help get me oriented and acclimated.

And then there is the new balancing of work and being a parent and household management and social life - it is all so overwhelming all at once. There is no free time at all. And I'm having trouble sleeping. And I feel alone. I'm not sure if this is just a temporary transitional feeling. Or if I'm no longer cut out for working out of the home anymore. And I feel like I am being a bad parent because I just am so tired and exhausted after dealing with work all day and going up what seems like an overwhelming learning curve every day.

I am venting but I also would love to hear some stories - to see if others felt the same, and whether it got better, and what helped you get through it.

[Anonymous]

Cliff notes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cliff notes?

Share your stories of going back to work after being a SAHP for a long gap.

[Anonymous]

I just returned to work a few months ago after being a SAHM for many years, and it's definitely a transition. My husband has taken on a lot of tasks that I previously handled, and that's been a big help. I don't find my job too stressful, and the people I work with are mostly nice. I made a friend or two, and otherwise, just put my head down and get to work. You can only do your best, and it will definitely take time to learn the ropes and feel really comfortable. Really, you and I have been managing the kids and home for a number of years getting ZERO appreciation, and at least now we get a paycheck! It's a win! Just be your genuine self and ask questions and get to know people, and eventually you will find your place. Try taking a warm bath at night to relax, or maybe a walk outside, to help you sleep. You will figure it out, it will get better!

[Anonymous]

Do you have anxiety?

From your post, I can't tell if you work with a bunch of vipers, or if your anxiety is in overdrive.

[Anonymous]

I went back to work after years of being a SAHM. It’s hard. I really love working but it’s hard. I’ve never had anxiety and have always had a lot of self confidence but it was an adjustment feeling like I fit in (it’s always “working” vs “SAHM” so it was an identity change for sure). I did adjust quickly though and though I don’t get the same fulfillment from work that I used to, and probably never will, it’s been overall positive. But I can’t say I’ll stay working forever. Cut yourself some slack and give it time. It was really helpful mentally knowing that I didn’t *have to* work. If something made me upset for long enough I was like…I can quit and it’s fine! But I’d give it two weeks and it turned around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know this is probably not the appropriate forum, but I'm not sure where else to post. I've been a SAHP for many years now and I'm returning to work. I think I've always struggled a bit with interpersonal relationships and navigating new territory. Honestly, parenting was such a huge learning curve for me, and I managed to do okay, even though I don't think it comes naturally. I read every parenting book, I posted a lot of questions here.

I'm going back to work, but in a whole different field than what I was doing before, but related to volunteer work that I did during my stay at home years. I am finding it really, really hard and stressful at times. The hardest part for me is navigating people. I'm trying to figure out who are my allies, and figuring out how to deal with people who are problematic, and people who have ulterior motives, and also just relearning how to work on a team together.

It does make me appreciate my family more, because I know they have my back, and I already know and feel safe with them. But being out in the working world, just feels incredibly unsafe to me right now. Work dynamics are complicated, and there's a lot of history. I am trying to stay out of the drama, but it seems unavoidable. It feels uncomfortable feeling constantly evaluated, judged, and I do feel like there are at least a couple people at work who seem to be very unimpressed by me and have already made their judgments, even before I started the job.

I feel really alone being the only new person. And while there are people I can reach out to, and ask questions, the environment here, is that there is really no one here to help get me oriented and acclimated.

And then there is the new balancing of work and being a parent and household management and social life - it is all so overwhelming all at once. There is no free time at all. And I'm having trouble sleeping. And I feel alone. I'm not sure if this is just a temporary transitional feeling. Or if I'm no longer cut out for working out of the home anymore. And I feel like I am being a bad parent because I just am so tired and exhausted after dealing with work all day and going up what seems like an overwhelming learning curve every day.

I am venting but I also would love to hear some stories - to see if others felt the same, and whether it got better, and what helped you get through it.

As someone who was just laid off from my first corporate job where all these dynamics are much more underhanded, I can tell you now to start looking for your next job. Seriously, start looking now because it is easier to find another job while you are still employed.

I should have been looking 6 months ago when things started to feel wrong. Do not doubt your instincts, start talking to recruiters.

I am also a former SAHP. It was particularly hard for me because the return to work coincided with the dissolution of my marriage and my kids were still in early elementary grades. The time demands of being an employee and primary parent were hard and in the first year I almost gave up. But the time demands will reduce as the kids get older. My 2nd job actually paid more and let me work less so I could still parent. 3rd job was Middle school years, kids didn't need me much so I could commit full time. Each job was an income spike. You will have increasingly more time to develop your professional life. Work turned out to be a source of sanity and structure. In retrospect, I am so grateful for it.

The transitional weirdness you are feeling now will not go away. Not so long from now you will feel the transition of them leaving for college. I was just looking at my calendar book from when my youngest started K - oh the sheer amount of expected parent participation in class visits, field trips, birthday events, school holiday events, parent teacher conferences....sometimes it was multiple per day because I had two kids. Today my oldest is a senior in a SHSAT high school and I've only attended 1 parent teacher conference in 4 years. I'm also paying for an 18th birthday event I'm not invited to.

[Anonymous]

Sending you a big hug OP. you've got this! I'm a SAHP and expect to return to work in 1-2 years. I can see myself feeling similar to a lot of what you wrote. One thing that always surprises me is how much I feel like my professional life prepared me for SAHP. My "team" now is parents of my kids friends and teammates. Sometimes those teammates just want to work on their own project/kid/life and to be left alone. Sometimes those teammates want to collaborate. Sometimes we just support each other and exchange stories and tips on how our individual projects are going. All teachers and medical providers are teammates as well. We overlap in some of our work, and have separate areas of focus and expertise. Maybe looking at your colleagues in a similar way will help? GL!

[Anonymous]

Sounds like a normal job OP. Try to remind yourself that it's not just you this is happening to. Everybody gets that vibe, at least in the beginning - if not indefinitely. Be guarded, but probably not as bad as it feels.

[Anonymous]

Transitions, of all kinds, are hard. Figure out who your people are, and be the person you want to have around you, so others like you, and just put one foot in front of another.

[Anonymous]

If your company is big on “DEI” I would really question whether they actually care about it, given your experience. DEI shouldn’t just be a college-educated minority who went to Stanford and Yale, is single and has worked his whole life. This should actually be what it’s intended to protect and I’d encourage you to reach out to other moms, coworkers, and begin conversations about how others in your company handle the challenges. If you’re truly not supported, this is potentially an HR case depending on your company’s policies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your company is big on “DEI” I would really question whether they actually care about it, given your experience. DEI shouldn’t just be a college-educated minority who went to Stanford and Yale, is single and has worked his whole life. This should actually be what it’s intended to protect and I’d encourage you to reach out to other moms, coworkers, and begin conversations about how others in your company handle the challenges. If you’re truly not supported, this is potentially an HR case depending on your company’s policies.

+1. One of my most impressive colleagues took a gap to raise kids.

[Anonymous]

I would look for another job. What you’re describing sounds like a horrible place to work. I went back to work after several years at home and my experience was nothing like yours, it was difficult to learn to juggle kids and a job and the home (DH was very busy with his business at the time). But I had a supportive boss and pretty good coworkers.
It gets easier as the kids get older but if the problem is the people you’re working with I wouldn’t stay there.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am back at work after a long time SAH. It has been mostly positive and I haven't been in your exact situation but one thing that helped me with the transition and the day to day stress is that, while my income is very beneficial to my family, its not a big deal if I were to need to quit a job or if god forbid I got fired. It would not put us into hardship. So, I work my hours efficiently and try to make the best decisions I can while I'm at work, but I really try not to get in the weeds or stress outside of work. I know that I'm a good employee and I'm not going to twist myself into a pretzel trying to prove it. If something doesn't work out, its fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sending you a big hug OP. you've got this! I'm a SAHP and expect to return to work in 1-2 years. I can see myself feeling similar to a lot of what you wrote. One thing that always surprises me is how much I feel like my professional life prepared me for SAHP. My "team" now is parents of my kids friends and teammates. Sometimes those teammates just want to work on their own project/kid/life and to be left alone. Sometimes those teammates want to collaborate. Sometimes we just support each other and exchange stories and tips on how our individual projects are going. All teachers and medical providers are teammates as well. We overlap in some of our work, and have separate areas of focus and expertise. Maybe looking at your colleagues in a similar way will help? GL!

A difference is that if your kids' pediatrician isn't working you can switch. You can't ignore or switch your co-workers or your manager. This is a fine way for OP to look at things but office politics and dynamics can feel inescapable.