Are you envious of your sibling if they are much more wealthy than you?

[Anonymous]

We are the sister in OP's situation. Regarding my family, my siblings probably know there is more money, but not the magnitude of it. We also live well below our means and that probably also masks the difference.

DH's sister is more aware, probably because they grew up in much more affluent circumstances than the life she lives now. They are comfortable by nearly all measures but it is not $20K/week vacations' comfortable. She occasionally has issues about it and will make comments in front of us where she affirms their circumstances and denigrates ours. DH ignores it in the moment, but has vented to me a few times about how she is unwilling to take into accounts the trade offs of her/BiL's decisions. She also expected her parents to underwrite a grander lifestyle, which did not happen. Yes, they probably do provide money to them, but they, for example, passed on paying K-12 private school tuition for the grandchildren. Think this is the start of SiL realizing that they would need to adjust their expectations, that their parents were not going to pay for private school, provide downpayment/buy a home, etc as some of the parents of their friends were doing. Both of their kids are nearly finished with college and that should help them set aside more money for retirement.

It's been fairly manageable, but might have been different if we were the buy the latest model cars, dress in couture, etc folks.

[Anonymous]

I'm far richer than any of my seven siblings and probably make more than all of them combined. The ones who completely flaked or flamed out are definitely jealous, but it's on them because they never worked as hard as I did and were never focused. The ones who did just fine -- solid jobs, nice spouses, etc., but making no where near what I make -- don't care in the slightest.

Jealousy is a reflection of your own perceived shortcomings, not your rich relative's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re not jealous, you’re envious of your sister’s lifestyle and money. (Jealousy is the feeling of being threatened by the relationship someone you care about has with another person.) And your sister is not “more wealthy.” She’s wealthier. Focus on building your vocabulary. That will help distract you from these feelings of inadequacy and envy.

That’s not the definition of jealousy.

Actually it is.

https://languagetool.org/insights/post/word-choice-envy-jealousy/amp/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jealousy can be strange. We are government workers with steady, consistent lifestyle. We did not take extravagant vacations, and our kids went to public school. We raised our kids in Virginia, which my siblings considered lower class.
I lived a lifestyle I was comfortable with. I come a large family that values money and status. I was always looked down on, and it was thought that I was jealous of my siblings.
Fast forward. We are now older, and our kids are grown. We have a solid marriage, great kids, grandkids, that we adore, and a pension and fabulous medical benefits.
My siblings who were considered more successful, are now tanking along with their money.
It’s really ironic how things work out Count your blessings. You never know what’s going on in someone else’s world.

Why are they tanking?

They are tanking because they thought privilege, and Knowing the right people would get them through they are bad business choices. It didn’t work out that way. Because of years of not working on their relationships with their spouse and their children. They have lived their life in a world, where they had to conform to succeed, and they don’t even know who they are.

[Anonymous]

Everyone here is responding with some self-soothing rationale wherein the respective disparate fortunes are somehow offset by disparate hardships or denigration of choices made to get there. I know that works as a defense mechanism but it’s kind of immature. Reality is life is not fair, some people get more, many of them did not work as hard for it, and some people have richer and better lives than others. I guess you can point to how you have different values or whatever if that makes you feel better.

[Anonymous]

OP if all you are talking about is a $150K difference between you and your sibling neither of you is especially poor or wealthy.

I could make $150K more than I do by taking a different job but it still wouldn’t make me especially wealthy as I think of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Envy is the thief of joy. This is a YOU problem OP. Work on yourself.

X100000

This. Grow up.

[Anonymous]

The opposite. My sibling is destitute and I’m worried they’re going to steal from me. Started feeling that way when I was still in college.

[Anonymous]

No, not jealous.
My brother and SIL make 4x our income. We are both Feds, they are successful business owners. They are very nice, never brag about anything and take care of both my parents and SIL’s parents financially.

[Anonymous]

No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone here is responding with some self-soothing rationale wherein the respective disparate fortunes are somehow offset by disparate hardships or denigration of choices made to get there. I know that works as a defense mechanism but it’s kind of immature. Reality is life is not fair, some people get more, many of them did not work as hard for it, and some people have richer and better lives than others. I guess you can point to how you have different values or whatever if that makes you feel better.

Thank you for acknowledging this.
-not OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone here is responding with some self-soothing rationale wherein the respective disparate fortunes are somehow offset by disparate hardships or denigration of choices made to get there. I know that works as a defense mechanism but it’s kind of immature. Reality is life is not fair, some people get more, many of them did not work as hard for it, and some people have richer and better lives than others. I guess you can point to how you have different values or whatever if that makes you feel better.

I posted about my sister being wealthier. My point wasn’t to rationalize being lazy. I work hard, and I’m happy. We just made different choices. I wish I had her family’s income, but I definitely don’t wish I had her life, her job, her 5 kids, or her location. I have trouble separating those things out if I compare our income/lifestyles. It’s easy for me not to feel envious because I’m content, and she’s definitely not. I think I definitely got lucky in the genetics lottery when it comes to mental health. We’re best friends, family, and we love each other. That’s the most important thing and what we focus on, not income levels or negative feelings.

[Anonymous]

I’d love the financial security and ability to offer my kids more opportunities. My sibling married young to someone that received good financial counseling, a small nest egg from family, and have wealthy in-laws that are emotionally supportive.

I have a good marriage but it all came later in life and my husband and I each were very late bloomers and carry a lot of financial weight for his parents.

I don’t begrudge any of it. But I’d love their comfort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are average, middle class. My sister and her husband probably have $150,000 more than us a year.

(This isn’t a post asking how we can have more money/saving.)

To many, we live an envious and great life. We are happy. We do, however, have to “save for a new couch”, clothes are from old navy, and we drive to vacations and stay with family, or use hotel points for a Fairfield.

My sister works long hours and always has, so I’m not jealous of that.

Sometimes, though, I get jealous of their big vacations ($20,000+ for a week), weekly manicures, Botox, and house furnishings.

I’m curious to hear from others in my boat. I’m not curious to hear from people like my sister, haha.

OP, if you are truly middle class let's assume an HHI of $125k (which is probably high, but still). That means, if your numbers are right, she makes ~$275k. THat isn't enough for the wealthy lifestyle you see. If she's really living like that, she's probably not saving very much at all.

[Anonymous]

My BIL made $20M last year. More this year.

We make $1M. Also a lot, but we aren’t building generational wealth.

I’m happy for my BIL and his family. His success doesn’t take anything away from me.