Bad advice / things you wish you’d known

[Anonymous]

Some kids are bad sleepers no matter what you do. You can do everything "right" and sleep train perfectly and they still won't sleep. It isn't you, meet them where they are.

[Anonymous]

I wish I had known:
- always follow your instinct
- if you are on the fence about getting extra help post baby just get it or at least have the info lined up so if you are in a bind and having difficult recovery you can go straight to it.
- if you have any concerns about mental health and are not seeing a therapist just get in touch with someone, even once, before birth. If things get hard you have someone you can call and don’t have to trudge through setting it up. Yes, a lot of people are blindsided by PPD/PPA but some of us have a history or just know ourselves…
- if you are in a one bedroom and think needing an extra bedroom isn’t necessary, get the extra bedroom!
- if you don’t really trust your obgyn or feel heard just go ahead and switch. Put in the grunt work to find someone you connect with
- prioritize your peace of mind and boundaries post partum so you can recover and bond as a family. If people are pushing for updates and visiting just be frank and kind “I’m sorry we are not ready for visitors and we will let you know when we are ready. We know you are eager to meet the baby.”

[Anonymous]

Stand up to your parents/inlaws whomever well before you give birth. It was horrible delivering premature twins and having my inlaws immediately attack me for every single decision dh and I made. We screwed around and tried to be nice for far too long. If I could do it again, I would have laid down the law before I gave birth. I thought these people would be our support. They never helped, the never did once nice thing for us or our children but they did constantly try to start drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wish I had known that it’d be almost impossible to have an equal partnership in a heterosexual relationship once kids enter the picture because there is so much ingrained sexism that men are raised with and you don’t always realize it until kids show up.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish I had known that it’d be almost impossible to have an equal partnership in a heterosexual relationship once kids enter the picture because there is so much ingrained sexism that men are raised with and you don’t always realize it until kids show up.

This.

+1

[Anonymous]

I had zero breast milk.'Breast is best', they kept saying. The baby cried, I cried. Then he was too week to cry. He was starving to death. He got sick and DH told me because I didn't breastfeed.
At two week check-up when the kid was all yellow and wrinkled, the doctor told me to go buy formula. Why did it take so long?! He is a happy healthy teenager now, but I almost lost him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish I had known that it’d be almost impossible to have an equal partnership in a heterosexual relationship once kids enter the picture because there is so much ingrained sexism that men are raised with and you don’t always realize it until kids show up.

This.

+1

Yes! This is when the work actually begins of having tough conversations and figuring things out so that we can raise kids that witness a healthier dynamic.

I also think, at least in my case, this was a contributing factor to why my relationship with my mil began to get rockier. She lives close and this was when I really connected the dots of how when she did literally every single thing for her kids and husband (except wipe their butts) with no acknowledgment or thanks it was actually such a disservice to dynamics all around. At least present day expectations.

[Anonymous]

I wish I brought chapstick to the hospital. It's very dry in there.
I also wish I brought hair ties.

Made sure to have those for the 2nd birth.

One thing I've learned from both my kids - each baby can be very different. I assumed my 2nd child would be like my first, easy going, eats everything, not fussy about bottles, etc....
Well, all the formula I bought went to waste. #2 refused any sort of artificial nipple in his mouth. World class whiner in elementary school. Go getter in high school.
You can prepare as best you can for the next child but that kid may upend all your efforts at domestic efficiency.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish I had known that it’d be almost impossible to have an equal partnership in a heterosexual relationship once kids enter the picture because there is so much ingrained sexism that men are raised with and you don’t always realize it until kids show up.

This.

+1

Yes! This is when the work actually begins of having tough conversations and figuring things out so that we can raise kids that witness a healthier dynamic.

I also think, at least in my case, this was a contributing factor to why my relationship with my mil began to get rockier. She lives close and this was when I really connected the dots of how when she did literally every single thing for her kids and husband (except wipe their butts) with no acknowledgment or thanks it was actually such a disservice to dynamics all around. At least present day expectations.

Good luck to you with that. At some point, it just gets too exhausting to argue with your spouse about every tiny thing they expect you as the mom to
do - the class Valentine’s that need to be bought and filled out, the school pictures purchased, the playdates arranged, Halloween costumes, the birthday invitations responded to/presents purchased and wrapped, the medical appointments made, the clothing and shoes purchased, camps figured out, after school
Activities, etc.

My problem with this generation of men is most of them were raised in the 80s and many had moms who didn’t work or worked part time or didn’t return to the workforce until they were school age and their fathers did hardly anything so they are just used to women doing it all. That is their model. They cannot forget how they were raised and it becomes a blueprint for them, And so it does not matter how much more they think they are doing - because trust me, they think they do a lot and yes, to some extent, they do more than their dads in terms of cleaning, watching kids, household chores, and cooking, but the bulk of it still falls to moms. But don’t tell a millennial dad this because they think they do way more than their dad ever did. And sure, that’s great, but it’s still not equal or fair. Not until my husband is doing Christmas cards and arranging photo shoots and ordering and wrapping all the Christmas presents and baking cookies with my kids while I work on the household projects I want to do wil it ever be equal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish I had known that it’d be almost impossible to have an equal partnership in a heterosexual relationship once kids enter the picture because there is so much ingrained sexism that men are raised with and you don’t always realize it until kids show up.

This.

+1

Yes! This is when the work actually begins of having tough conversations and figuring things out so that we can raise kids that witness a healthier dynamic.

I also think, at least in my case, this was a contributing factor to why my relationship with my mil began to get rockier. She lives close and this was when I really connected the dots of how when she did literally every single thing for her kids and husband (except wipe their butts) with no acknowledgment or thanks it was actually such a disservice to dynamics all around. At least present day expectations.

Good luck to you with that. At some point, it just gets too exhausting to argue with your spouse about every tiny thing they expect you as the mom to
do - the class Valentine’s that need to be bought and filled out, the school pictures purchased, the playdates arranged, Halloween costumes, the birthday invitations responded to/presents purchased and wrapped, the medical appointments made, the clothing and shoes purchased, camps figured out, after school
Activities, etc.

My problem with this generation of men is most of them were raised in the 80s and many had moms who didn’t work or worked part time or didn’t return to the workforce until they were school age and their fathers did hardly anything so they are just used to women doing it all. That is their model. They cannot forget how they were raised and it becomes a blueprint for them, And so it does not matter how much more they think they are doing - because trust me, they think they do a lot and yes, to some extent, they do more than their dads in terms of cleaning, watching kids, household chores, and cooking, but the bulk of it still falls to moms. But don’t tell a millennial dad this because they think they do way more than their dad ever did. And sure, that’s great, but it’s still not equal or fair. Not until my husband is doing Christmas cards and arranging photo shoots and ordering and wrapping all the Christmas presents and baking cookies with my kids while I work on the household projects I want to do wil it ever be equal.

All of this is accurate, but there’s another side of it too. We millennial mothers were also raised in the eighties and many of us by the absolute first women to do certain jobs, and so it has been raised into us that we must be absolutely the very best at everything we do and that “good enough” isn’t good enough. So it’s why my daughters hair gets a weeks worth of matched ironed outfits laid out every Sunday night and why there’s homemade sugar cookie dough resting in the fridge right now so we can make valentine cookies for her class party. My husband is well above average as millennial dads go but him taking on more still wouldn’t release the pressure on mothers for things to be perfect. I worry about how to keep from passing that trait on to my daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That an epidural makes it hard to feel how to push. I pushed for three freakin hours and had hemorrhoids the size of small cluster of grapes for MONTHS! They still had to vacuum DD out. Had natural the next time, no problems getting him out in minutes. I wish I had scheduled C-sections, for both. Lots of damage down there, and still am reminded 25+ years later.

I, too, wish I had ignored the uninformed recommendations of OBs and midwives and had a scheduled c-section. The damage done to the pelvic floor during a not-insignificant percentage of first-time vaginal births is complex, severe, and not really repairable with current medical practice. I wish I had done research and considered my own situation rather than going with the default vaginal birth. I wish I had known what a urogynecologist was prior to becoming pregnant.

[Anonymous]

There are a LOT of people that prey on the fears of expectant women. Honestly, people need to stop giving "good meaning" advice that really is just a guilt trip or nasty feeder for perfectionism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That an epidural makes it hard to feel how to push. I pushed for three freakin hours and had hemorrhoids the size of small cluster of grapes for MONTHS! They still had to vacuum DD out. Had natural the next time, no problems getting him out in minutes. I wish I had scheduled C-sections, for both. Lots of damage down there, and still am reminded 25+ years later.

There’s also a big difference in the ease of pushing between the first and subsequent births. I had an epidural both times, the first took over an hour and the second one took 5 minutes.

[Anonymous]

I wish people were more honest about pelvic floor damage from birth. I don’t remember them mentioning it in any pre-birth classes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish I had known that it’d be almost impossible to have an equal partnership in a heterosexual relationship once kids enter the picture because there is so much ingrained sexism that men are raised with and you don’t always realize it until kids show up.

This.

+1

Yes! This is when the work actually begins of having tough conversations and figuring things out so that we can raise kids that witness a healthier dynamic.

I also think, at least in my case, this was a contributing factor to why my relationship with my mil began to get rockier. She lives close and this was when I really connected the dots of how when she did literally every single thing for her kids and husband (except wipe their butts) with no acknowledgment or thanks it was actually such a disservice to dynamics all around. At least present day expectations.

Good luck to you with that. At some point, it just gets too exhausting to argue with your spouse about every tiny thing they expect you as the mom to
do - the class Valentine’s that need to be bought and filled out, the school pictures purchased, the playdates arranged, Halloween costumes, the birthday invitations responded to/presents purchased and wrapped, the medical appointments made, the clothing and shoes purchased, camps figured out, after school
Activities, etc.

My problem with this generation of men is most of them were raised in the 80s and many had moms who didn’t work or worked part time or didn’t return to the workforce until they were school age and their fathers did hardly anything so they are just used to women doing it all. That is their model. They cannot forget how they were raised and it becomes a blueprint for them, And so it does not matter how much more they think they are doing - because trust me, they think they do a lot and yes, to some extent, they do more than their dads in terms of cleaning, watching kids, household chores, and cooking, but the bulk of it still falls to moms. But don’t tell a millennial dad this because they think they do way more than their dad ever did. And sure, that’s great, but it’s still not equal or fair. Not until my husband is doing Christmas cards and arranging photo shoots and ordering and wrapping all the Christmas presents and baking cookies with my kids while I work on the household projects I want to do wil it ever be equal.

100% agree. It’s hard to communicate that yes, you are doing more than your dad did, and no, it still does not make things equal.