Bad advice / things you wish you’d known

[Anonymous]

My younger daughter is about to have a birthday and I was walking down memory lane. I was thinking about my DD’s births. With my first, there are so many things I wish I’d realized or known. First, everyone made SUCH a big deal about skin to skin in the first hours. I lost a lot of blood and kept passing out and didn’t want to hold her. It felt like my husband was pressuring me and reminding me to do skin to skin (he says he asked me each hour in those first hours if I wanted to hold her, but I was really out of it). A nurse finally said, “it might be instinct protecting the baby - if she holds her and passes out, she could drop her.” But then, when I was ready to hold her 3-4 hrs after she was born (DH had done skin to skin) I felt like I’d already messed up or missed the chance to bond or something. I just felt so sad. Well, last night that child - who is now a tween - jumped into my lap when I got back from being out and said “I missed you!” And told me she was tired and would really like some snuggle time. She’s a really good kid and we have a great bond and I wish I hadn’t put such weight on the importance of those first hours and skin to skin.

Similarly, I wish I’d been more open to some formula / bottles sooner. I had great supply but kept worrying that would stop. With my second I mostly nursed, but used some formula as needed after about 3 months, and it was so much easier to take a walk or nap or play with my older daughter if I needed and to nurse most the time. We ended up having a longer nursing relationship because it wasn’t an all or nothing approach and I could handle that better. A lactation consultant told me I’d destroy her gut and I was introducing problems when the doctor suggested (to help with weight gain) that I start letting her have bits of avocado at 4.5 months. I’m glad I just trusted my own gut, let her have the avocado (which she loved, and still loves to eat) and found a balance that worked for us and our family.

[Anonymous]

Hugs. Thank you for all of this. I'm sorry for the difficulty at birth.

[Anonymous]

That an epidural makes it hard to feel how to push. I pushed for three freakin hours and had hemorrhoids the size of small cluster of grapes for MONTHS! They still had to vacuum DD out. Had natural the next time, no problems getting him out in minutes. I wish I had scheduled C-sections, for both. Lots of damage down there, and still am reminded 25+ years later.

[Anonymous]

I wish I hadn’t continued to breastfeed despite it definitely not being the right choice for me. My breasts hurt, I was constantly touched out, I felt resentful, and I hated it. I made myself bf for a year with my first and was miserable. I was much happier weaning with my second at 6 months and will do the same with my third (due in March!).

There’s not nearly enough support or information on the absolute necessity on resting hard for at least a full month after birth. I take all the time I need and set strong boundaries about not having visitors for the first six weeks. I will not be pressured and I do not care if anyone judges me for it.

You don’t need a good 75% of baby crap that is marketed. You just don’t.

[Anonymous]

^I will add: I feel fortunate to have had easy non-medicated births, but I feel like those promoting job-medicated births get very preachy about their supposed innate “superiority” and do not acknowledge the validity of all birthing experiences

The crunchy mom contingent can be intolerably judgmental.

[Anonymous]

Wish I had gone for the emergency C section and not the forceps that the OB recommended (which wrecked my pelvic floor).

Wish I had formula fed from day one and forced my husband to do night feedings instead of night nursing for years.

Wished I had weaned my kids at one year instead of letting the nursing go on forever because of pressure from my husband when the kids cried or demanded nursing to just feed them because he could not be bothered to deal with them.

Wished I never tried for natural birth and just had scheduled C sections.

Wish I had married someone else who was open to counseling and therapy and wasn’t so secretly sexist when it comes to parenting issues because all the weaknesses in my marriage have been worsened with kids and it turns out that my progressive partner who I thought was a feminist and would be a good person to raise kids with actually us an authoritarian dad with unrealistic expectations of kids, anger issues, and he constantly expects me to the the primary parent.

I wish I had known that it’d be almost impossible to have an equal partnership in a heterosexual relationship once kids enter the picture because there is so much ingrained sexism that men are raised with and you don’t always realize it until kids show up.

[Anonymous]

I wish I'd paid more attention to the physical aspect of all this for moms, particularly around recovery.

I really dismissed the "18 months between pregnancies is best" because that means your kids have to be 2.25 years apart MINIMUM and I was starting at 35 and wanted 3 kids. I'm not saying that I should have waited - but I should have taken some recognition of the fact that I was doing two very, very physically taxing things (pregnancies) significantly closer together than recommended, and changed my approach. Rest in my second pregnancy wasn't something to do when it seemed feasible, but rather something to prioritize, even if it meant my husband doing more with our toddler and more around the house. Same with rest after birth, and sleep.

And once it became clear after delivery #2 that I was not doing okay mentally, I wish I had realized just how interconnected the mental and physical are, and that at the end of the day, my body and myself needed immediate attention. When a mom is diagnosed with PPD, the immediate tasks are 1) therapy 2) consider medication. And I did that, though ended up not actually using medication for a variety of reasons, under the care of my therapist. In reality, as soon as a new mom has a potential case of PPD, the #1 priority should be rest. Everyone is so quick to advise you to go to therapy, which cost me almost $15k over the next year, but a night nanny is a crazy luxury. No. You've got PPD? Congrats, that's an emergency. Get that emergency fund out. Hire a night nanny. Wean to formula IF it helps you get more rest. Extend your childcare hours. Hire a cleaning person and order takeout. Sleep. Once you are getting way more rest, start adding in exercise.

Yeah, the therapy helped me get through my PPD. But what helped me heal from my PPD? Rest and exercise.

I wish I'd focused more on the latter than the former.

[Anonymous]

Breastfeeding is only "free" if a mother's time and energy are worth nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Breastfeeding is only "free" if a mother's time and energy are worth nothing.

Wow, op here and this is such a great point I hadn’t thought about!

To the pp with hemorrhoids / issues after delivery, I’m sorry! Interestingly, I had the exact opposite experience. My first they didn’t think she was coming, had errors with their systems and couldn’t medicate me on time. As it was, my husband was running around begging them for someone to come deliver our baby, and the OB arrived about 10 mins before her birth. My second, I had an epidural that wore off about an hour before I delivered. I asked the ob if she’d recommend another dose or not, and she said that she thought I’d benefit more from the rest than from being able to feel. They woke me up an hour later, went to check me, and discovered I was ready to deliver physically, but my baby was still pretty high. They said “unless you can’t resist the urge to push, let’s wait.” After a few minutes they said “let’s do a practice push” and I imagined myself curling around a beach ball (something we discussed at prenatal yoga). She was almost delivered with that push, and was with the next one!

I just thought of another thing that helped the second time - I didn’t have any paid maternity leave either time. The first one I worked to 6 pm one day and went into labor that night. (She was born a few weeks early.) The second I stopped working at 38 weeks except for some small projects here and there. Having those 5 days off before she was born was really nice, though I realize it’s hard to plan and can be hard to afford.

[Anonymous]

TBH to ask any question here. I’d have been better off not knowing about this site. I asked a question and was called nuts and unhinged within a page. It was a question about baby clothes. Very new mom but also innocuous. Total mean girl pile on.

Some GOOD advice though…trust yourself, you’re doing great with your baby even when you feeling completely lost. It’s ok to not take advice or explain anything at all to anyone at all about you parenting choices. You don’t have to receive, respond to advice. You don’t have to defend a thing. Silence is a power move.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wish I had gone for the emergency C section and not the forceps that the OB recommended (which wrecked my pelvic floor).

Wish I had formula fed from day one and forced my husband to do night feedings instead of night nursing for years.

Wished I had weaned my kids at one year instead of letting the nursing go on forever because of pressure from my husband when the kids cried or demanded nursing to just feed them because he could not be bothered to deal with them.

Wished I never tried for natural birth and just had scheduled C sections.

Wish I had married someone else who was open to counseling and therapy and wasn’t so secretly sexist when it comes to parenting issues because all the weaknesses in my marriage have been worsened with kids and it turns out that my progressive partner who I thought was a feminist and would be a good person to raise kids with actually us an authoritarian dad with unrealistic expectations of kids, anger issues, and he constantly expects me to the the primary parent.

I wish I had known that it’d be almost impossible to have an equal partnership in a heterosexual relationship once kids enter the picture because there is so much ingrained sexism that men are raised with and you don’t always realize it until kids show up.

I could have said the same things except for the forceps, C sections & natural births part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wish I hadn’t continued to breastfeed despite it definitely not being the right choice for me. My breasts hurt, I was constantly touched out, I felt resentful, and I hated it. I made myself bf for a year with my first and was miserable. I was much happier weaning with my second at 6 months and will do the same with my third (due in March!).

There’s not nearly enough support or information on the absolute necessity on resting hard for at least a full month after birth. I take all the time I need and set strong boundaries about not having visitors for the first six weeks. I will not be pressured and I do not care if anyone judges me for it.

You don’t need a good 75% of baby crap that is marketed. You just don’t.

This one. I let myself be pushed into doing so much that first month after I had my DD, I felt obligated because of stuff going on in my family, and I wish both I and others (especially my DH) had been told more explicitly that I needed to rest. I had PPD and sometimes I think it was honestly brought on by pushing myself so hard right way, and trying to please all these other people and not just staying home and resting. It's crazy to me how hard I worked to make other people happy at that time when I should have just been focusing on me. No one was focused on me, not even me. It was crazy.

[Anonymous]

The fact that having a newborn for the first time is really hard, and made harder by the fact that you’ve just gone through a major medical event. Steepest learning curve of your life while in physical and mental recovery.
That the “breastfeeding relationship” is way more resilient and flexible than the la leche folks would have you believe. Like above posters, nursing actually worked better for me with kid 2 when I dialed down the intensity and gave him formula day 1. I could rest and be a better mom, and he had energy to figure out nursing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Breastfeeding is only "free" if a mother's time and energy are worth nothing.

+1

This.

Also, thankfully I didn't listen to this advice, but worst advice I ever heard was avoid introducing pacis and bottles due to "nipple confusion." The very stressful risk of bottle rejection is MUCH more likely to be a problem than nipple confusion

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wish I'd paid more attention to the physical aspect of all this for moms, particularly around recovery.

I really dismissed the "18 months between pregnancies is best" because that means your kids have to be 2.25 years apart MINIMUM and I was starting at 35 and wanted 3 kids. I'm not saying that I should have waited - but I should have taken some recognition of the fact that I was doing two very, very physically taxing things (pregnancies) significantly closer together than recommended, and changed my approach. Rest in my second pregnancy wasn't something to do when it seemed feasible, but rather something to prioritize, even if it meant my husband doing more with our toddler and more around the house. Same with rest after birth, and sleep.

And once it became clear after delivery #2 that I was not doing okay mentally, I wish I had realized just how interconnected the mental and physical are, and that at the end of the day, my body and myself needed immediate attention. When a mom is diagnosed with PPD, the immediate tasks are 1) therapy 2) consider medication. And I did that, though ended up not actually using medication for a variety of reasons, under the care of my therapist. In reality, as soon as a new mom has a potential case of PPD, the #1 priority should be rest. Everyone is so quick to advise you to go to therapy, which cost me almost $15k over the next year, but a night nanny is a crazy luxury. No. You've got PPD? Congrats, that's an emergency. Get that emergency fund out. Hire a night nanny. Wean to formula IF it helps you get more rest. Extend your childcare hours. Hire a cleaning person and order takeout. Sleep. Once you are getting way more rest, start adding in exercise.

Yeah, the therapy helped me get through my PPD. But what helped me heal from my PPD? Rest and exercise.

I wish I'd focused more on the latter than the former.

Wow I had PPD for almost 10 years after my second was born and only reading this now do I understand what role it played that my kids were born 18 months apart. Thanks for posting. That period of my life is still a black hole to me.