Teen friend self-mutilating - books to help my teen understand and support

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

So you are putting inappropriate expectations and demands on your child.

You missed the part where the OP’s son wants to be compassionate and understanding of what his friend is going through.. Nothing inappropriate about that.

He wants to understand and be supportive. She is a dear friend and such a sweetheart.

Being compassionate and understanding what his friend is going through should not require a book. That’s basic friendship: friend is clearly suffering, being non-judgmental and listening is all OPs son needs to do. He should do what kind teens do when faced with struggling friends: make them laugh, send them funny memes, check in, go out to coffee together, etc.

But OP wants more. She wants her son to learn more about cutting, to apparently read a book about cutting (which are geared to parents, teachers, and other adults, not to peers) and to educate with material that is not intended for peers. That’s moving dangerously close to putting her son in a highly inappropriate role. She is encouraging him to take on a burden that is not his, rather than encouraging him to focus on what teens do best.

It is unrealistic and frankly possibly harmful to her son to expect him to educate himself on things like the highly complex and often unknown clinical reasons that kids self-harm. This is not something he actually can understand — it has stumped many parents and clinicians alike. There is no book or YouTube that is going to grant him understanding that changes the actionable support that he can give his friend. And there is a real risk that her son puts himself in an inappropriate position of either “therapy-izing” a close friendship or struggling significantly himself when he is unable to stop or help the friend.

OP should be gently steering her son away from “educating” himself with clinical material that he can’t truly absorb anyhow and instead work with him to be a teenager with a suffering friend.

[Anonymous]

I would cut that friendship off very quickly. As someone who had friends attempt suicide or cut, it's never going to be a healthy friendship. You don't want your kid
to spend their time trying to save that person or feel responsible should something happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd tell my child it's indicative of severe childhood trauma, for example sexual abuse, and that child needs professional help, and just kindness from her friends. The best way your child can support her is kindness. There's no logic to cutting oneself. Why buy a book teaching about it??? I wouldn't even give it any validation. It's destructive the behavior. I'd also be concerned what your child is being exposed to at that house. What's going on over there?

While some people who have experienced severe trauma will self harm, it is used by people whose life stresses exceed their coping skills. The APA says gay and bisexual youth are at increased risk for self harm, as well as children who have experienced bullying. Rather than judging the family of a child who is suffering, you might benefit from learning more about why people resort to this behavior: https://www.apa.org/monitor/2015/07-08/who-self-injures

Thank you, PP. I found the previous comment awful. Nothing is going on in my house but trying to love my children and help them grow into adults. I happen to have one who has been dealing with perfectionism, anxiety and then depression and fell into a very negative coping mechanism. Drinking and drugs are also negative coping mechanisms. They are all hard and scary. There is no trauma, no abuse or neglect, everything appears wonderful from the outside (which is part of the problem) and my teen just doesn't know what to do with their constantly running mind. The answer has been therapy and eventually a medication, and spending time enjoying friends and family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd tell my child it's indicative of severe childhood trauma, for example sexual abuse, and that child needs professional help, and just kindness from her friends. The best way your child can support her is kindness. There's no logic to cutting oneself. Why buy a book teaching about it??? I wouldn't even give it any validation. It's destructive the behavior. I'd also be concerned what your child is being exposed to at that house. What's going on over there?

It is mental illness upon the part of the cutter. Any incidences need to be immediately reported to the parents. I'd get your son several counseling issues in which he can talk his concerns over with a professional therapist.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm 13:11 responder.

When I was in my 20's I had a friend who was a cutter. Only myself and another woman stayed friends with the cutter. Everyone else in her friend circle dropped her. My friend was hospitalized a number of times during this period due to the cutting/mental health issues.

I'd discuss with your son that this is a mental health issue. I'd heavily discuss healthy boundaries with your son.

There is medication out there that helps with the mental illness of cutting.

Your son needs to have very, very strong healthy boundaries in his interaction with his friend.

[Anonymous]

This is an excellent document from Cornell on supporting a friend but maintaining clear boundaries: http://www.selfinjury.bctr.cornell.edu/perch/resources/how-can-i-help-a-friend-english.pdf

[Anonymous]

This sounds traumatic for your child to be dealing with.

Could they benefit from talking with a therapist about it.?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would cut that friendship off very quickly. As someone who had friends attempt suicide or cut, it's never going to be a healthy friendship. You don't want your kid
to spend their time trying to save that person or feel responsible should something happen.

What in the world???

You think that a kid with a negative coping mechanism for depression and anxiety deserves to have friendships cut off??? That's terrible. My child has plenty of healthy friendships, even a bf/gf. Those friendships are important and meaningful, isolation would be devastating. I acknowledge some teens doing this will push boundaries, threaten self-harm, but that is a separate issue. For my child, it is really all about internal feelings.

Yes it is scary, yes it is sad, yes it makes no sense to those of us who could not imagine cutting ourselves. These kids do not want to do this, they certainly do not want to be judged or isolated for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would cut that friendship off very quickly. As someone who had friends attempt suicide or cut, it's never going to be a healthy friendship. You don't want your kid
to spend their time trying to save that person or feel responsible should something happen.

What in the world???

You think that a kid with a negative coping mechanism for depression and anxiety deserves to have friendships cut off??? That's terrible. My child has plenty of healthy friendships, even a bf/gf. Those friendships are important and meaningful, isolation would be devastating. I acknowledge some teens doing this will push boundaries, threaten self-harm, but that is a separate issue. For my child, it is really all about internal feelings.

Yes it is scary, yes it is sad, yes it makes no sense to those of us who could not imagine cutting ourselves. These kids do not want to do this, they certainly do not want to be judged or isolated for it.

+ 100

And cutting is not related to suicide attempts. It is separate. Mine started cutting when her eating disorder treatment had to ramp up, because regular outpatient treatment wasn’t doing the job. There was no sexual assault, etc, FFS.

Far too many people, including some of the responders, feel like reading a few opinion pieces gave them a PhD in adolescent psychology.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would cut that friendship off very quickly. As someone who had friends attempt suicide or cut, it's never going to be a healthy friendship. You don't want your kid
to spend their time trying to save that person or feel responsible should something happen.

What in the world???

You think that a kid with a negative coping mechanism for depression and anxiety deserves to have friendships cut off??? That's terrible. My child has plenty of healthy friendships, even a bf/gf. Those friendships are important and meaningful, isolation would be devastating. I acknowledge some teens doing this will push boundaries, threaten self-harm, but that is a separate issue. For my child, it is really all about internal feelings.

Yes it is scary, yes it is sad, yes it makes no sense to those of us who could not imagine cutting ourselves. These kids do not want to do this, they certainly do not want to be judged or isolated for it.

Cutting off isn’t appropriate. But what OP is asking her son to do is also at least borderline inappropriate. He needs to be a kid hanging with a friend going through a tough time, not a therapist.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

Like any posting on DCUM, you put the replies through a sieve and keep what you think is helpful.

To the poster that put up the YouTube links - thank you. That is the kind of thing I was looking for. Incredibly helpful. Thank you!

Without divulging too much, for those who raised the impact on my own child, I have sent off a backgrounder to my son’s therapist so they can discuss it this week. I am very mindful of how this impacts him and how it weaves into his own mental health. Given his own situation he has an incredible sense of the importance of mental health. He’s a smart whip and didn’t just fall off the turnip truck.

I would never push them apart. We don’t drop friends when they have challenges. If we did, none of us would have friends. She has been tried and true to him and a net positive in his life. This is all new information to me (as of yesterday) and I am trying to educate also myself, open my eyes, and listen. These are two kids that need some information, support and guidance.

He’s not a therapist and neither am I. I know that. But we can educate ourselves on challenges to be supportive. Empathy matters.

[Anonymous]

He wants to “understand and be supportive.” Learning a little about self harm and some things that are helpful to say/not say doesn’t cross into trying to therapist another child. You’re projecting out of concern for the OPs son which is kind, but seems unnecessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd tell my child it's indicative of severe childhood trauma, for example sexual abuse, and that child needs professional help, and just kindness from her friends. The best way your child can support her is kindness. There's no logic to cutting oneself. Why buy a book teaching about it??? I wouldn't even give it any validation. It's destructive the behavior. I'd also be concerned what your child is being exposed to at that house. What's going on over there?

While some people who have experienced severe trauma will self harm, it is used by people whose life stresses exceed their coping skills. The APA says gay and bisexual youth are at increased risk for self harm, as well as children who have experienced bullying. Rather than judging the family of a child who is suffering, you might benefit from learning more about why people resort to this behavior: https://www.apa.org/monitor/2015/07-08/who-self-injures

You might benefit from better people skills.

I stand by my statement. If a child is slicing themselves, probably something real bad happened to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd tell my child it's indicative of severe childhood trauma, for example sexual abuse, and that child needs professional help, and just kindness from her friends. The best way your child can support her is kindness. There's no logic to cutting oneself. Why buy a book teaching about it??? I wouldn't even give it any validation. It's destructive the behavior. I'd also be concerned what your child is being exposed to at that house. What's going on over there?

While some people who have experienced severe trauma will self harm, it is used by people whose life stresses exceed their coping skills. The APA says gay and bisexual youth are at increased risk for self harm, as well as children who have experienced bullying. Rather than judging the family of a child who is suffering, you might benefit from learning more about why people resort to this behavior: https://www.apa.org/monitor/2015/07-08/who-self-injures

You might benefit from better people skills.

I stand by my statement. If a child is slicing themselves, probably something real bad happened to them.

I cut myself after my grandmother died. I was grieving in a house that didn’t allow negative emotions. It’s destructive behavior but that doesn’t mean there was abuse or trauma exactly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd tell my child it's indicative of severe childhood trauma, for example sexual abuse, and that child needs professional help, and just kindness from her friends. The best way your child can support her is kindness. There's no logic to cutting oneself. Why buy a book teaching about it??? I wouldn't even give it any validation. It's destructive the behavior. I'd also be concerned what your child is being exposed to at that house. What's going on over there?

While some people who have experienced severe trauma will self harm, it is used by people whose life stresses exceed their coping skills. The APA says gay and bisexual youth are at increased risk for self harm, as well as children who have experienced bullying. Rather than judging the family of a child who is suffering, you might benefit from learning more about why people resort to this behavior: https://www.apa.org/monitor/2015/07-08/who-self-injures

You might benefit from better people skills.

I stand by my statement. If a child is slicing themselves, probably something real bad happened to them.

Why would you write this? The poster you are responding to is incorrect - it’s about a person’s coping skills being insufficient to handle their distress.