Teen friend self-mutilating - books to help my teen understand and support

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd tell my child it's indicative of severe childhood trauma, for example sexual abuse, and that child needs professional help, and just kindness from her friends. The best way your child can support her is kindness. There's no logic to cutting oneself. Why buy a book teaching about it??? I wouldn't even give it any validation. It's destructive the behavior. I'd also be concerned what your child is being exposed to at that house. What's going on over there?

While some people who have experienced severe trauma will self harm, it is used by people whose life stresses exceed their coping skills. The APA says gay and bisexual youth are at increased risk for self harm, as well as children who have experienced bullying. Rather than judging the family of a child who is suffering, you might benefit from learning more about why people resort to this behavior: https://www.apa.org/monitor/2015/07-08/who-self-injures

You might benefit from better people skills.

I stand by my statement. If a child is slicing themselves, probably something real bad happened to them.

Why would you write this? The poster you are responding to is incorrect - it’s about a person’s coping skills being insufficient to handle their distress.

The poster above is CORRECT!! Apologies for the typo.

[Anonymous]

As someone who had a family member who cut, and as the mom of teens, I would be very careful to warn my child that this is not something he can solve or take on. Being a sympathetic ear is one thing, getting caught up in it, or feeling any type of responsibility is another.

Sorry OP if you don’t like the responses you’re getting, but it’s been good advice.

[Anonymous]

OP here responding to above. OTHERS implied my teen could solve it. I never said that. I said compassion and support. Help her by being a good friend.

He knows she needs professional help. Like I said - he’s not an idiot. But equally so he doesn’t want to say the “wrong” thing or something that makes it worse.

What I found surprising was the responses that implied telling my teen to stay away. Or the implication she has some childhood trauma like abuse which others agreed was not always the case.. It’s not that and I know what the stresser is.

That he told me means HE is asking for my support and helping him process. The positive in all this is that he communicated and reached out. We are talking and he has his own professional to help him.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think some of the pp’s reactions may be around having your DC invest hours reading a book about cutting. I agree, the videos one pp posted are probably best, you can watch together & have a conversation about it. But a kid spending hours reading a book on the subject might be too much of a deep dive/more of an investment in the subject than is healthy.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Which is why I asked about YouTube and those were 6-10 minutes. And the factsheet link was 3 pages. Both super helpful and what I was looking for. Even if I said “something to educate” that would not have changed some of the reactions (or assumptions made).

[Anonymous]

OP: Your son sounds pretty darn smart if he's asking for information from a parent. Amazing.

When I was in grad school, two of my friends, one male, one female, were cutting to deal with stress and some relationship issues. I asked them to explain it; that didn't help.

I still don't totally understand it so I guess i have a deeper appreciation for your child's curiosity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Like any posting on DCUM, you put the replies through a sieve and keep what you think is helpful.

To the poster that put up the YouTube links - thank you. That is the kind of thing I was looking for. Incredibly helpful. Thank you!

Without divulging too much, for those who raised the impact on my own child, I have sent off a backgrounder to my son’s therapist so they can discuss it this week. I am very mindful of how this impacts him and how it weaves into his own mental health. Given his own situation he has an incredible sense of the importance of mental health. He’s a smart whip and didn’t just fall off the turnip truck.

I would never push them apart. We don’t drop friends when they have challenges. If we did, none of us would have friends. She has been tried and true to him and a net positive in his life. This is all new information to me (as of yesterday) and I am trying to educate also myself, open my eyes, and listen. These are two kids that need some information, support and guidance.

He’s not a therapist and neither am I. I know that. But we can educate ourselves on challenges to be supportive. Empathy matters.

You are good people. I hope my child has friendships and support like this. Thank you for asking this question, I found the Cornell article to be very helpful and it seems they may have more articles as well. I think especially about my child's really close relationships, particularly romantic ones, and how these kids may have questions we need help answering. I can see myself sharing this information if needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have them watch Ginny and Georgia - lot of issues and self harming and listening to the girl in therapy trying to learn and handle her self harming.

It shouldn't be understood or glorified in any way. Their friend deserves empathy and being there for them no matter what. To just be a good friend. That's all.

I agree with Ginny and Georgia

Be supportive OP. All of these uptight mommies seem like they would make their kid drop this friend and that makes me sad. Everyone is going through something and yes this is a lot. Just being there. Still talking to them and not dropping them is more than 80% of the kids will do. Thank you for tracing your kid to be a true friend.