having weird anxiety about drop off/pick up

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't have any good friends but I stand there alone and put a pleasant look on my face. I get a few waves and hellos. What you want to avoid is burying yourself in your phone with RBF because then you'll be the unfriendly mom. OF COURSE it's unfair that you have to do this but it's important for your kids' social lives.

Disagree that it's important for your kids' social lives, because (1) they will actually do better with their social lives on their own at school than you think -- just let them make friends and then reach out to those parents for playdate when it happens. It's not that hard. My kid is even on the shy side and this works for us. And (2) plenty of other moms are also standing there scrolling their phones with RBF, so no one is sitting there thinking "there's that ONE unfriendly mom." Lots of people feel this way and plenty of us just opt out of the chit chat and pick our kids up and go, and I've found there are no real consequences for this. Again, when my kid has made friends at school, I've reached out to their parents to get together outside of school, and people are always receptive and friendly. I've never had someone reject us because they saw me looking tired and standoffish during pickup. Not once.

Just nope out of the pressure of pick up socializing. Everyone is at the end of their day, they are tired, the kids are tired, let people just do what they need to do to get everyone home and fed. Save your socializing face for actual social events, like kid birthday parties or organized play dates. Then you can show up rested and ready to make small talk. But school pick-up? Just let it be.

[Anonymous]

No. It was always fine with me.

Work on your self esteem. Everything is easier when you're your own best friend.

Do it now, lest you pass this self-loathing on to your kids.

[Anonymous]

So if women know each other and are chatting, they are a "clique"? Or are they just...friends?

If I see people I know, I talk to them. If I see other people, I say good morning or smile. I'm approachable. If I don't know anyone, I'll make a little small talk.

It's not that big a deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok, well I realize I am going to sound completely insane. My kid is in first grade and the past few months Ive been really dreading going to school pick up and drop off where the parents typically congregate outside the classroom until the kids are brought in and out. The way the moms stand in clusters feels so exclusive and I dread having nobody to chat with or being snubbed by cold or unfriendly people. A few of the other moms have mentioned that they don't like it either and they either send their husbands or go in at the last minute to be incognito. I don't know why it's bothering me so much, like is it resurrecting my elementary school experience, or does anyone else ever feel this way?

I am right there with you. I absolutely dreaded pick up when I parked and had to walk to the door. But now I just use the kiss n ride car line, so I can just be on my phone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So if women know each other and are chatting, they are a "clique"? Or are they just...friends?

If I see people I know, I talk to them. If I see other people, I say good morning or smile. I'm approachable. If I don't know anyone, I'll make a little small talk.

It's not that big a deal.

Yep lots of the little groups are just friends. But at our school there is at least one mom who likes to talk sh*t about other moms and her kids classmates. Hopefully that’s the exception not the rule but let’s not pretend all moms are great just because they are moms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So if women know each other and are chatting, they are a "clique"? Or are they just...friends?

If I see people I know, I talk to them. If I see other people, I say good morning or smile. I'm approachable. If I don't know anyone, I'll make a little small talk.

It's not that big a deal.

Yep lots of the little groups are just friends. But at our school there is at least one mom who likes to talk sh*t about other moms and her kids classmates. Hopefully that’s the exception not the rule but let’s not pretend all moms are great just because they are moms.

Fair. But also don’t assume that all clusters of moms are mean girl cliques - it’s misogynistic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So if women know each other and are chatting, they are a "clique"? Or are they just...friends?

If I see people I know, I talk to them. If I see other people, I say good morning or smile. I'm approachable. If I don't know anyone, I'll make a little small talk.

It's not that big a deal.

Yep lots of the little groups are just friends. But at our school there is at least one mom who likes to talk sh*t about other moms and her kids classmates. Hopefully that’s the exception not the rule but let’s not pretend all moms are great just because they are moms.

I’m not! I’m just making the point that a group of women talking does not a clique make.

[Anonymous]

I get this anxiety as well. Part of it has to do with us using aftercare so the few times I pick up at dismissal, I feel like an outsider. But mostly its anxiety and lack of self confidence....I know my kid is going to be in this school for a long time (Catholic) so I am fearful of leaving a bad impression but also dealing with the self imposed pressure of connecting with other families.

I am going to take a wild guess that the dads don't have this problem.....

[Anonymous]

I'm really happy I worked up the courage to talk to one mom who was sitting alone one day this fall. It turned out we had a lot in common and now I'm always happy when we see each other even if it's only for a couple minutes. I'm still working remotely so sometimes she's my only real life conversation apart from my family. And when I'm chatting with her it's easier then to notice other people who might need someone to talk to, smile and wave and sometimes they'll walk over.

Little by little I hope to get to know more people.

[Anonymous]

Handling life. Maybe consider it an ordinary, necessary skill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok, well I realize I am going to sound completely insane. My kid is in first grade and the past few months Ive been really dreading going to school pick up and drop off where the parents typically congregate outside the classroom until the kids are brought in and out. The way the moms stand in clusters feels so exclusive and I dread having nobody to chat with or being snubbed by cold or unfriendly people. A few of the other moms have mentioned that they don't like it either and they either send their husbands or go in at the last minute to be incognito. I don't know why it's bothering me so much, like is it resurrecting my elementary school experience, or does anyone else ever feel this way?

I am also a shy person and to strike a conversation every time I pick up my kid? Exhausting. I rather do kiss and ride for this reason

[Anonymous]

You don’t sound insane. I feel the same way, I googled about it because I feel so anxious every day when I drop off and pick up my child. I hate feeling this way. I suffer from a lot of social anxiety. I don’t really talk to the other moms and I usually wait until the last minute to walk up to the school. I’m glad I found your post it made me feel less alone.

[Anonymous]

Another person who feels like you, here! Hate pickup, hate small talk, hate forced socializing. But, I just force myself every day. It’s the only socializing I get since I am a remote worker so it does me good to speak to other adult humans now and then!

[Anonymous]

I get it, OP. I don’t often do the pickup since we have a babysitter usually do it. But when I do, I also get that awkward/ excluded feeling sometimes especially since I don’t do pickup enough to have established a group to walk with like some of the other parents who do it everyday.
But when I think that way I remind myself how silly it is to think that way as a mid-40 year old. But it does make me reflect back on the realities of social pressures during middle and high school and be more sympathetic for my kids experiences in the next few years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get this anxiety as well. Part of it has to do with us using aftercare so the few times I pick up at dismissal, I feel like an outsider. But mostly its anxiety and lack of self confidence....I know my kid is going to be in this school for a long time (Catholic) so I am fearful of leaving a bad impression but also dealing with the self imposed pressure of connecting with other families.

I am going to take a wild guess that the dads don't have this problem.....

Dads have this problem, they just don't talk about it. We're new to the area and all the other families have known each other since Kindergarten. We've heard them talking about dinner plans, golf plans, drinking plans, etc., and my husband definitely feels a little left out in those situations