having weird anxiety about drop off/pick up

[Anonymous]

Ok, well I realize I am going to sound completely insane. My kid is in first grade and the past few months Ive been really dreading going to school pick up and drop off where the parents typically congregate outside the classroom until the kids are brought in and out. The way the moms stand in clusters feels so exclusive and I dread having nobody to chat with or being snubbed by cold or unfriendly people. A few of the other moms have mentioned that they don't like it either and they either send their husbands or go in at the last minute to be incognito. I don't know why it's bothering me so much, like is it resurrecting my elementary school experience, or does anyone else ever feel this way?

[Anonymous]

I don't feel this way, even though I am kinda anxious generally. BUT, we are congregated outside the building, not the classroom, for all grades, so who is talking to who from each class, it's not obvious.

I just don't have time for thinking about that, and I believe that the other women don't have time for that either. I see that some moms have friendships, and I have some too, if only beginning or superficial. I sometimes have someone I am happy to see or need to speak to. Otherwise, dropoff/pickup is understood (by me, in my community) to be done with attention to the kids, and some polite small talk. I'd like to be more friendly, and make more friends, but I am busy and I believe these other moms are even busier.

I live in DC and the other moms have important jobs, like corporate lawyer, business owner, chief of staff in Congress, head of etc. My job is not like that, but if I don't have time, nobody has time. And besides that, it's the dads there half the time, and their jobs are like that too.

This could be different depending on area.

[Anonymous]

I get where you're coming from though we don't do parent pickup. I sort of share PP's perspective that "I don't have time to think about that, and neither do the other women." I am sure there are friendships and even maybe cliqueiness, but I don't need to get involved in drama, and if friendships will happen, they'll happen in time.

I have social anxiety and the bus stop stresses me out a little bit, but more from a small talk perspective. I send my DH when he's available.

[Anonymous]

Just send your nanny.

[Anonymous]

I used to get anxiety at preschool drop off/pick up. Less about the other parents (maybe a little that though because I did feel pressure to fit in and make friends) but also because I was unused to the parent-teacher relationship and always felt awkward talking to the teacher.

But in K I suddenly realized “oh, I can just do this quickly and not worry about making friends or impressing anyone.” Like it just took me that long to realize that it just doesn’t matter if I have close friends at my kid’s school or that any of those people think I’m cool. Now I have ZERO anxiety. If I think I might have to wait, I bring a book or listen to a podcast while looking at Instagram. I appreciate the extra me time. I don’t resent or fear or worry about the other parents one way or another. It’s great.

[Anonymous]

I don’t care about that, but I prefer to do carpool so I don’t have to look presentable . That’s all I care about… putting decent clothes on, make up, etc.

[Anonymous]

Ha. My kids are 12 and 15, and I totally remember this feeling. I hated hated hated pick up and making awkward conversation with moms. Make one friend & it’ll get better

[Anonymous]

I think this is hard because the clique-y mom thing is real. There’s at least one mom I know who is bored and reliving her popular girl days to some extent. I am a pretty anxious person in general and I have to just remind myself over and over I’m a grown up now and I know enough to be kind to everyone and not worry about this. I will give any one a big smile and say hi and I recognize a few people for a polite and surface greeting. But my kids are generally heading for a meltdown and need to be rushed home for snacks and decompression time and aren’t up for me to keep them waiting or immediate play time at the playground anyway. Oh well. Next time you are standing alone you can just wait calmly and feel your own peacefulness (or fake it til you make it) or download a non your kindle app on your phone. I love reading in those extra moments.

[Anonymous]

God forbid people would find friends among the other parents and--gosh--be happy to see them regularly.

[Anonymous]

This is why my kids take the bus.

[Anonymous]

Think of your friend-friends. Those are the people you should be spending your time and energy ruminating about. Connect with THEM. Lean on THEM. See how THEY are doing.

These are just some parents in your life. Say hello, say good morning, keep it moving. What’s the big deal? You say good morning and go about your day. I highly doubt that if you said good morning to five people, that all five would totally ignore you. A nod and a smile, a “good morning,” a “wow it was cold today” is all you need for socialization at this time and place. Keep it moving.

[Anonymous]

Stay in your car until the last second? Or, if walking, time it out.

[Anonymous]

Yes! What I've found over the years is that a lot of people feel like this and the groups that appear to be cliques are often just people who happen to know each other from older siblings or soccer or pta or whatever.

Sure you can just put in earbuds and ignore everyone or get through it as fast as possible, but I've found that getting up the courage to say hi has broadened my social circle and made those 5-30 minutes on average I spend each day after school a little more pleasant.

One thing that helped me meet more people was looking at the week's weather and picking them nicest day and then messaging the class/grade list saying "hi, in Henry's mom. We're going to stay after school on Thursday for playground play until 5pm. Would enjoy chatting with other caregivers if you're around. I'll be on the blue picnic table with some veggie straws to share." I also worked with them room parent to organize a Saturday playdate, which was great to get to know other parents who have different schedules. I didn't know any drop off parents before that since I work an early shift.

I don't think any of these parents will be my BFF, but it's nice to feel more like it's a community of people I know some names and more faces of.

[Anonymous]

I didn’t have anxiety about but there were times when I didn’t feel like talking. I would stay in the car until the last minute or make a phone call. When you have to talk, think of a few standard questions/topics, in advance, to bring up. Make at least one friend and/or join a PTA committee. You have a lot more pick ups ahead of you so if you don’t want to be seen as stand offish, you need to deal with it.

[Anonymous]

I don't have any good friends but I stand there alone and put a pleasant look on my face. I get a few waves and hellos. What you want to avoid is burying yourself in your phone with RBF because then you'll be the unfriendly mom. OF COURSE it's unfair that you have to do this but it's important for your kids' social lives.