Spouse on phone constantly when caring for 1 and 3 year old

[Anonymous]

Can you clarify the situation/concern? If it's split attention, I think that it's not that big a deal (I am often knitting or doing chores while I supervise my 1yo and 3yo playing in our home that is intentionally made largely safe for them) provided it's in a safe environment and he can/is paying close enough attention to avert serious injury. Kids really don't need constant engagement. I admit, I don't love the idea of earbuds; I think the kids should be able to hear whatever he's hearing and he should be able to hear them clearly. If it's screentime, I personally would consider it a bigger deal since I think little kids do better without it/with parents modelling not being addicted to their own screens but I also have a lot of sympathy for your DH because I spend a lot more time than I think it healthy on my phone.

[Anonymous]

The earbuds are the real issue here

[Anonymous]

If the kids are happy and playing then the issue is not that he isn't engaging them but that may not be able to hear if.something happens/they need him. If he is ignoring them while they try to play with him then that is horrible. I still remember when DD was little DH would be on the phone while I was trying to make dinner and she would be screaming for attention...DH learned.quickly that this would not.fly with me.

[Anonymous]

I don’t see why the earbuds are an issue if they’re all in the same room.

I’m a SAHM, and I find I have a dramatically different view of this than many working moms on DCUM.

1) hanging out with little kids becomes excruciating, sometimes quickly. A podcast or the radio in your ear can really help.
2) playing with an engaged adult is good for them, like milk is good for them. Like milk, too much is too much. I spend a lot of my time engineering safe independent play environments and then intentionally disconnecting and letting my kid explore. Do we also do activities together, classes, etc? Yes! Days are long. Balance is important. My kid needs to play race cars with me but he also needs time to fall off a stump 10 times and poke puddles with sticks and pick at a sticker on the floor.
3) your husband isn’t a babysitter or an employee, he’s their dad. You’re not responsible for his relationship with them. If you think he’s running it into the ground by not being engaged, that’s his problem. They’re fine. It’s not hurting them for him to play on his phone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you clarify the situation/concern? If it's split attention, I think that it's not that big a deal (I am often knitting or doing chores while I supervise my 1yo and 3yo playing in our home that is intentionally made largely safe for them) provided it's in a safe environment and he can/is paying close enough attention to avert serious injury. Kids really don't need constant engagement. I admit, I don't love the idea of earbuds; I think the kids should be able to hear whatever he's hearing and he should be able to hear them clearly. If it's screentime, I personally would consider it a bigger deal since I think little kids do better without it/with parents modelling not being addicted to their own screens but I also have a lot of sympathy for your DH because I spend a lot more time than I think it healthy on my phone.

Omg I also knit with my toddler! It’s a good option. The right level of distraction while still aware.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t see why the earbuds are an issue if they’re all in the same room.

I’m a SAHM, and I find I have a dramatically different view of this than many working moms on DCUM.

1) hanging out with little kids becomes excruciating, sometimes quickly. A podcast or the radio in your ear can really help.
2) playing with an engaged adult is good for them, like milk is good for them. Like milk, too much is too much. I spend a lot of my time engineering safe independent play environments and then intentionally disconnecting and letting my kid explore. Do we also do activities together, classes, etc? Yes! Days are long. Balance is important. My kid needs to play race cars with me but he also needs time to fall off a stump 10 times and poke puddles with sticks and pick at a sticker on the floor.
3) your husband isn’t a babysitter or an employee, he’s their dad. You’re not responsible for his relationship with them. If you think he’s running it into the ground by not being engaged, that’s his problem. They’re fine. It’s not hurting them for him to play on his phone.

+1. And, going from full time work to full time childcare is a HUGE transition. I’d mention your concerns so he (assuming this is a dad we are talking about?) is aware, but not attack or criticize him. My husband doesn’t watch TV around the kids, but he does listen to a book on tape while watching them. He’s not the type to play “with” them; more “adjacent” to them if that makes sense. Like he will do yard work while the kids play in the yard. He’s present to break up fights or keep them safe, but he’s not going to climb trees with them.

[Anonymous]

ETA: it’s a different story if the kids want him to play with them and he’s refusing in favor of his phone. That’s not cool!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t see why the earbuds are an issue if they’re all in the same room.

I’m a SAHM, and I find I have a dramatically different view of this than many working moms on DCUM.

1) hanging out with little kids becomes excruciating, sometimes quickly. A podcast or the radio in your ear can really help.
2) playing with an engaged adult is good for them, like milk is good for them. Like milk, too much is too much. I spend a lot of my time engineering safe independent play environments and then intentionally disconnecting and letting my kid explore. Do we also do activities together, classes, etc? Yes! Days are long. Balance is important. My kid needs to play race cars with me but he also needs time to fall off a stump 10 times and poke puddles with sticks and pick at a sticker on the floor.
3) your husband isn’t a babysitter or an employee, he’s their dad. You’re not responsible for his relationship with them. If you think he’s running it into the ground by not being engaged, that’s his problem. They’re fine. It’s not hurting them for him to play on his phone.

+1. And, going from full time work to full time childcare is a HUGE transition. I’d mention your concerns so he (assuming this is a dad we are talking about?) is aware, but not attack or criticize him. My husband doesn’t watch TV around the kids, but he does listen to a book on tape while watching them. He’s not the type to play “with” them; more “adjacent” to them if that makes sense. Like he will do yard work while the kids play in the yard. He’s present to break up fights or keep them safe, but he’s not going to climb trees with them.

Good, but even better would be for him to engage himself in some sort of physical activity while listening to his book on tape. Examples would be repairing something, quiet cleaning, polishing shoes or anything else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:ETA: it’s a different story if the kids want him to play with them and he’s refusing in favor of his phone. That’s not cool!!!

I’m the SAHM again and it’s perfectly acceptable to me to decline to play. I do it all the time. It’s usually because I’m busy with household stuff (food, laundry, cleaning) but it’s also often for my phone! I do a lot of things on my phone that are important for my family. All the scheduling, school emails, blah blah. I also like to play word games. There’s nothing about me telling my kid no sometimes in favor of word games that will traumatize her or make her doubt my love. That’s a trap and a guilt trip. Each day we have specific activities and some amount of what I call shoulder time, which basically means playing in the house with toys. I say no to play a lot during that time. It’s fine! You guys put so much pressure on yourselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t see why the earbuds are an issue if they’re all in the same room.

I’m a SAHM, and I find I have a dramatically different view of this than many working moms on DCUM.

1) hanging out with little kids becomes excruciating, sometimes quickly. A podcast or the radio in your ear can really help.
2) playing with an engaged adult is good for them, like milk is good for them. Like milk, too much is too much. I spend a lot of my time engineering safe independent play environments and then intentionally disconnecting and letting my kid explore. Do we also do activities together, classes, etc? Yes! Days are long. Balance is important. My kid needs to play race cars with me but he also needs time to fall off a stump 10 times and poke puddles with sticks and pick at a sticker on the floor.
3) your husband isn’t a babysitter or an employee, he’s their dad. You’re not responsible for his relationship with them. If you think he’s running it into the ground by not being engaged, that’s his problem. They’re fine. It’s not hurting them for him to play on his phone.

+1. And, going from full time work to full time childcare is a HUGE transition. I’d mention your concerns so he (assuming this is a dad we are talking about?) is aware, but not attack or criticize him. My husband doesn’t watch TV around the kids, but he does listen to a book on tape while watching them. He’s not the type to play “with” them; more “adjacent” to them if that makes sense. Like he will do yard work while the kids play in the yard. He’s present to break up fights or keep them safe, but he’s not going to climb trees with them.

Good, but even better would be for him to engage himself in some sort of physical activity while listening to his book on tape. Examples would be repairing something, quiet cleaning, polishing shoes or anything else.

I mean this is really just you torturing yourself. Seriously. It’s okay!!!! Your kids are not going to be lazy phone addicts with attachment disorders because dad sat down while he listened to his book on tape and ignored them while they played. They’ll be lazy phone addicts because of society and they might have anxiety because of you, but tbh that probably won’t be your fault either.

Yes I’m a mom! Female!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is basically every man everywhere

I'm a woman. It's not a gender thing. I don't like the baby/toddler stage and sometimes it helps to tune out a bit.

I do try to be conscious of it though and not constantly be on my airpods/scrolling something.

Encourage him to actually go somewhere like the playground, etc. That will cut down on it.

No, it doesn't. I saw many fathers at parks do the same thing.. on their phone. One kid was outside the park, near the street next to their car, wanting to go home, while the dad was in the park on a bench talking on his phone. He was clueless that his kid left the park. I could tell the kid was unhappy. Since the kid was near the street, I walked him to his dad, who didn't even acknowledge me or his kid. Didn't stop talking on the phone or look up. zilch.

I felt so sorry for the kid. I was with my DH and our kids.

I also see this in restaurants - dad on his phone. Kids just sitting there.

I'll say it again: most men should not have kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ETA: it’s a different story if the kids want him to play with them and he’s refusing in favor of his phone. That’s not cool!!!

I’m the SAHM again and it’s perfectly acceptable to me to decline to play. I do it all the time. It’s usually because I’m busy with household stuff (food, laundry, cleaning) but it’s also often for my phone! I do a lot of things on my phone that are important for my family. All the scheduling, school emails, blah blah. I also like to play word games. There’s nothing about me telling my kid no sometimes in favor of word games that will traumatize her or make her doubt my love. That’s a trap and a guilt trip. Each day we have specific activities and some amount of what I call shoulder time, which basically means playing in the house with toys. I say no to play a lot during that time. It’s fine! You guys put so much pressure on yourselves.

Are you disengaged from your kids *every single time* you are with them? Because that's what OP is saying she sees when her DH supposedly is spending time with their kids.

He could at least read books to their kids, yes even 1 yr old. We read to our 1 yr old every night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t see why the earbuds are an issue if they’re all in the same room.

I’m a SAHM, and I find I have a dramatically different view of this than many working moms on DCUM.

1) hanging out with little kids becomes excruciating, sometimes quickly. A podcast or the radio in your ear can really help.
2) playing with an engaged adult is good for them, like milk is good for them. Like milk, too much is too much. I spend a lot of my time engineering safe independent play environments and then intentionally disconnecting and letting my kid explore. Do we also do activities together, classes, etc? Yes! Days are long. Balance is important. My kid needs to play race cars with me but he also needs time to fall off a stump 10 times and poke puddles with sticks and pick at a sticker on the floor.
3) your husband isn’t a babysitter or an employee, he’s their dad. You’re not responsible for his relationship with them. If you think he’s running it into the ground by not being engaged, that’s his problem. They’re fine. It’s not hurting them for him to play on his phone.

+1. And, going from full time work to full time childcare is a HUGE transition. I’d mention your concerns so he (assuming this is a dad we are talking about?) is aware, but not attack or criticize him. My husband doesn’t watch TV around the kids, but he does listen to a book on tape while watching them. He’s not the type to play “with” them; more “adjacent” to them if that makes sense. Like he will do yard work while the kids play in the yard. He’s present to break up fights or keep them safe, but he’s not going to climb trees with them.

Good, but even better would be for him to engage himself in some sort of physical activity while listening to his book on tape. Examples would be repairing something, quiet cleaning, polishing shoes or anything else.

I mean this is really just you torturing yourself. Seriously. It’s okay!!!! Your kids are not going to be lazy phone addicts with attachment disorders because dad sat down while he listened to his book on tape and ignored them while they played. They’ll be lazy phone addicts because of society and they might have anxiety because of you, but tbh that probably won’t be your fault either.

Yes I’m a mom! Female!

You may speak for yourself. Most people are not “tortured” by engaging in some activity while listening to a book on tape.

BTW, young children learn best by example. If you do it right, they can’t help it. If you want them to be in the habit of picking up after themselves, you need to do it - consistently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t see why the earbuds are an issue if they’re all in the same room.

I’m a SAHM, and I find I have a dramatically different view of this than many working moms on DCUM.

1) hanging out with little kids becomes excruciating, sometimes quickly. A podcast or the radio in your ear can really help.
2) playing with an engaged adult is good for them, like milk is good for them. Like milk, too much is too much. I spend a lot of my time engineering safe independent play environments and then intentionally disconnecting and letting my kid explore. Do we also do activities together, classes, etc? Yes! Days are long. Balance is important. My kid needs to play race cars with me but he also needs time to fall off a stump 10 times and poke puddles with sticks and pick at a sticker on the floor.
3) your husband isn’t a babysitter or an employee, he’s their dad. You’re not responsible for his relationship with them. If you think he’s running it into the ground by not being engaged, that’s his problem. They’re fine. It’s not hurting them for him to play on his phone.

Eh, I used to be a SAHM until very recently, and I disagree with some of this. Yes, hanging out with kids that age can be exhausting and tedious at the same time. And I agree you don’t need to engage them every second. But if he’s on his phone all the time (like looking at the screen or scrolling, not just listening to a podcast in one ear) instead of supervising, I think it’s reasonable to be concerned. Kids that age are so unpredictable because they’re mobile but kind of a danger to themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t see why the earbuds are an issue if they’re all in the same room.

I’m a SAHM, and I find I have a dramatically different view of this than many working moms on DCUM.

1) hanging out with little kids becomes excruciating, sometimes quickly. A podcast or the radio in your ear can really help.
2) playing with an engaged adult is good for them, like milk is good for them. Like milk, too much is too much. I spend a lot of my time engineering safe independent play environments and then intentionally disconnecting and letting my kid explore. Do we also do activities together, classes, etc? Yes! Days are long. Balance is important. My kid needs to play race cars with me but he also needs time to fall off a stump 10 times and poke puddles with sticks and pick at a sticker on the floor.
3) your husband isn’t a babysitter or an employee, he’s their dad. You’re not responsible for his relationship with them. If you think he’s running it into the ground by not being engaged, that’s his problem. They’re fine. It’s not hurting them for him to play on his phone.

Eh, I used to be a SAHM until very recently, and I disagree with some of this. Yes, hanging out with kids that age can be exhausting and tedious at the same time. And I agree you don’t need to engage them every second. But if he’s on his phone all the time (like looking at the screen or scrolling, not just listening to a podcast in one ear) instead of supervising, I think it’s reasonable to be concerned. Kids that age are so unpredictable because they’re mobile but kind of a danger to themselves.

We don’t know how much he’s on the phone with them, we just know she keeps “catching” him. The times they overlap are probably the downtimes.