Spouse on phone constantly when caring for 1 and 3 year old

[Anonymous]

Honestly hoping for your feedback about whether this is common? Or if folks view it as a problem or no big deal.

After a stint that necessitated my doing 100% of the childcare (spouse had necessary weeks-long travel), my spouse has been taking care of our 1 and 3 year old most of the time the past few days. Virtually every time I come into the room, there is a phone in my spouse's hand and usually headphones in spouse’s ears while some Netflix junk plays. So yeah, in the same room with the kids while watching TV, basically, and not engaging them. I’m sure that the phone usage/show watching is happening a majority of the time.

Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

This is basically every man everywhere

[Anonymous]

Horrible example to set for the children. Just horrible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is basically every man everywhere

I'm a woman. It's not a gender thing. I don't like the baby/toddler stage and sometimes it helps to tune out a bit.

I do try to be conscious of it though and not constantly be on my airpods/scrolling something.

Encourage him to actually go somewhere like the playground, etc. That will cut down on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is basically every man everywhere

Yup

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is basically every man everywhere

Yup

Yep again. Drives me crazy, if you ask them they’d say of course they don’t want their kids raised this way, but the standard doesn’t apply to them

[Anonymous]

Are their needs being met? Does he engage with them sometimes? If the answer to both is yes, then I think it is ok

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is basically every man everywhere

Yup

Yep again. Drives me crazy, if you ask them they’d say of course they don’t want their kids raised this way, but the standard doesn’t apply to them

Yes. Same situation here. We both work full-time. When I can pry DH away from his computer games to spend time with the kids while I run errands or get housework done, he lays in the floor and watches shows and videos on his phone.
He's addicted, he admits as much.

[Anonymous]

Well, caring for little kids is really hard. If you are exhausted, sometimes it's too much. If he's normally engaged and just checked out recently, I'd let it pass. If he's normally like this but typically doesn't spend much time with his kids at all, I'd talk with him about other things he could do so his kids can have memories of their dad other than him being a lump in the background.

If he's a regular, primary caregiver, it's a problem for the kids. They need more interaction and activity than TV. I'd get more directive about setting up a schedule and helping him think of things to do with them. Paradoxically, having chores might help. Even though it takes 5,000 times longer, you can involve the kids in those and talk to them while you are doing them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is basically every man everywhere

Yup

Yep again. Drives me crazy, if you ask them they’d say of course they don’t want their kids raised this way, but the standard doesn’t apply to them

Yes. Same situation here. We both work full-time. When I can pry DH away from his computer games to spend time with the kids while I run errands or get housework done, he lays in the floor and watches shows and videos on his phone.
He's addicted, he admits as much.

change the wifi password

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is basically every man everywhere

Yup

Yep again. Drives me crazy, if you ask them they’d say of course they don’t want their kids raised this way, but the standard doesn’t apply to them

Yes. Same situation here. We both work full-time. When I can pry DH away from his computer games to spend time with the kids while I run errands or get housework done, he lays in the floor and watches shows and videos on his phone.
He's addicted, he admits as much.

change the wifi password

I would in a heartbeat, but he is still on a hybrid work schedule, so he needs wifi access for work, as well!

[Anonymous]

Can youvsuggest treatment for phone addiction? He needs to be present for the kids.

[Anonymous]

This is very common. Most of my friends have this same complaint and so do I. I think it’s a big enough deal to raise/try to address, but with the perspective that it’s not the end of the world. Only you know your husband and the best way to approach it, but I would avoid snapping in the moment (trust me I’ve wanted to throw my husbands phone out the window) and have a conversation later without kids around about how important it is to give kids undivided attention and interaction without devices. So not laying blame or even criticizing him, just raising it as a topic of discussion. There are a bunch of articles on this so you could say something like “I saw an interesting article today…” You get the idea.

At the end of the day these ages are simultaneously exhausting yet so repetitive it can be hard to stay engaged. It gets better as they approach 4 and definitely by 5 when they can share in hobbies. That’s when a lot of dads start to shine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly hoping for your feedback about whether this is common? Or if folks view it as a problem or no big deal.

After a stint that necessitated my doing 100% of the childcare (spouse had necessary weeks-long travel), my spouse has been taking care of our 1 and 3 year old most of the time the past few days. Virtually every time I come into the room, there is a phone in my spouse's hand and usually headphones in spouse’s ears while some Netflix junk plays. So yeah, in the same room with the kids while watching TV, basically, and not engaging them. I’m sure that the phone usage/show watching is happening a majority of the time.

Thoughts?

I think it’s common and also would not find it acceptable if my husband did this. Sometimes he listens to a podcast with an earbud in one ear while supervising at the playground or whatever. But what I find concerning is the possibility that he’d be looking at his phone and missing something dangerous (kid jumping off high surface or putting something in their mouth of whatever).

[Anonymous]

Not common in our household. No tv/screens played for kids until age 6 and then only when sick or on vacation (exception made before 6 for facetiming relatives). Occasionally on the phone with someone but not extended conversations (outside of work hours). More likely to somewhat ignore the kids while cooking and they're playing in the next room where we can see.