Stupid Question — custody of the Christmas tree

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Split the ornaments

Are you sure he wants them?

I think he wants to hurt me by keeping them. I have no idea if he intends to put them up, or cares about having them.

[Anonymous]

Do you know that your husband wants the ornaments? As another PP said, some people are not into that type of sentimental stuff, even if made by a child that died.

Either way, i think your idea was a good compromise. Your kids can't see them at their dad's right? Curious, does he have substance abuse problems that developed after your child died? Or is this an abuse situation.

[Anonymous]

I’m not divorced but have lost a child. I think for me the thing I wouldn’t want to do is allow the ugliness to sully the feelings I have around the mementos. I treasure unwrapping what to me/us are forever ties to our beloved child each Christmas. If they instead become defined by a fight - I would probably let them go.
Sorry OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you know that your husband wants the ornaments? As another PP said, some people are not into that type of sentimental stuff, even if made by a child that died.

Either way, i think your idea was a good compromise. Your kids can't see them at their dad's right? Curious, does he have substance abuse problems that developed after your child died? Or is this an abuse situation.

No, the kids can't see them, including the ones they made and with their names, at their Dad's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you know that your husband wants the ornaments? As another PP said, some people are not into that type of sentimental stuff, even if made by a child that died.

Either way, i think your idea was a good compromise. Your kids can't see them at their dad's right? Curious, does he have substance abuse problems that developed after your child died? Or is this an abuse situation.

No, the kids can't see them, including the ones they made and with their names, at their Dad's.

I’m confused?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you know that your husband wants the ornaments? As another PP said, some people are not into that type of sentimental stuff, even if made by a child that died.

Either way, i think your idea was a good compromise. Your kids can't see them at their dad's right? Curious, does he have substance abuse problems that developed after your child died? Or is this an abuse situation.

No, the kids can't see them, including the ones they made and with their names, at their Dad's.

I’m confused?

The kids only see their Dad at their grandparents' because of the way the protection order is written. So, if he puts up the tree at his house, or leaves it in a box in the basement of his house, the kids won't see it.

[Anonymous]

Is there a general "box exchange" that could be arranged between houses, and the Xmas decorations are just one of them? Perhaps it will avoid drama if not too much weight/focus is put on the tree decorations.
Also agree with PP that based on timing, maybe don't push the decorations this year.
I'm sorry, btw. This all sounds hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there a general "box exchange" that could be arranged between houses, and the Xmas decorations are just one of them? Perhaps it will avoid drama if not too much weight/focus is put on the tree decorations.
Also agree with PP that based on timing, maybe don't push the decorations this year.
I'm sorry, btw. This all sounds hard.

I have no idea what a "box exchange" is so I can't answer.

-- OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there a general "box exchange" that could be arranged between houses, and the Xmas decorations are just one of them? Perhaps it will avoid drama if not too much weight/focus is put on the tree decorations.
Also agree with PP that based on timing, maybe don't push the decorations this year.
I'm sorry, btw. This all sounds hard.

I have no idea what a "box exchange" is so I can't answer.

-- OP

X fills up box or boxes of ornaments in the basement and gives it to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there a general "box exchange" that could be arranged between houses, and the Xmas decorations are just one of them? Perhaps it will avoid drama if not too much weight/focus is put on the tree decorations.
Also agree with PP that based on timing, maybe don't push the decorations this year.
I'm sorry, btw. This all sounds hard.

I have no idea what a "box exchange" is so I can't answer.

-- OP

I'm quoted PP and sorry for being confusing. I meant that in dividing the two households, there could be multiple boxes of things--NOT just Xmas things--that need to be redistributed between the households. Was suggesting that the Xmas ornaments just become part of larger redistribution.

[Anonymous]

You’ll need to split the ornaments, and take photos of the ones he keeps - you might be able to find a way to “remake” the ones he keeps by working with an Etsy seller if you have good enough images.

Then he can put his ornaments where he wants, and you decorate your own tree.

[Anonymous]

I agree the ornaments should just be divided, but perhaps wait until less raw with the separation after the holidays or later in an overall property division. I’m also assuming that the goal is that at some point circumstances change such that there does not need to be a protection order in place and the kids would then visit him at his own place. When your kids are older and as adults, I think it may be important for them to see that both parents have retained their childhood ornaments, including treasured ones made by their beloved sibling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I mean this with every kindness, but it sounds like you are navigating an incredibly complex and emotional situation and for this year, I'd let it go. Make a plan to divide up the ornaments in the new year.

+1 it sounds like the kids and grandparents and you are dealing with a lot. The logistics of the grandparents getting the tree might be tough. I know you are trying to keep things normal for your kids but just keep it easy and calm this year while everyone adapts.

[Anonymous]

Just a quick note to say how sorry I am for how hard all of this must be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Split the ornaments

Are you sure he wants them?

I think he wants to hurt me by keeping them. I have no idea if he intends to put them up, or cares about having them.

Np. You said in the OP that they are incredibly precious to both of you so he probably cares? I would not ask specifically about splitting the ornaments or he will guaranteed take you up on the opportunity for a fight on something near and dear to you.

I would keep it general, i.e. you want a few of the seasonal items. Are you allowed on that property or would police escort you? What is the plan for the other possessions?