Stupid Question — custody of the Christmas tree

[Anonymous]

This is our first Christmas post separation. We haven’t separated all of the possessions and property yet and our tree and decorations are in the basement at the house we own where the kids and I no longer live.

We lost one of our children a few years ago, so some of the things on the tree, ornaments he made or related to him, are incredibly precious to both of us.

The kids will visit him at his parent’s house on Christmas Day so I was thinking that perhaps we could compromise and they could decorate it there? I am still friendly with his parents so I know they’d let me come visit.

Does that seem reasonable? Have other people found a good compromise?

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry, OP. If it were me, I'd figure out a way to split the ornaments so I had half, particularly of the ones precious to me.

[Anonymous]

No, that's not reasonable if that's not what your ex wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, that's not reasonable if that's not what your ex wants.

Let’s assume I want it at my house, where the kids live, and he wants it at his house where the kids aren’t allowed to visit. What would you think would be a reasonable compromise?

[Anonymous]

OP, I mean this with every kindness, but it sounds like you are navigating an incredibly complex and emotional situation and for this year, I'd let it go. Make a plan to divide up the ornaments in the new year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry, OP. If it were me, I'd figure out a way to split the ornaments so I had half, particularly of the ones precious to me.

This, and I’m sorry about your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, that's not reasonable if that's not what your ex wants.

Let’s assume I want it at my house, where the kids live, and he wants it at his house where the kids aren’t allowed to visit. What would you think would be a reasonable compromise?

The bold is a wrinkle that its probably going to keep most people from having direct experience with your exact issue. But the likely compromise is the same, you split the precious ornaments from your child that passed between the two of you. The other kids' ornaments should probably be wherever they are going to be for the season, in this case at your house. If they did spend time living with dad, the compromise would then be to split all the ornaments into two sets.

[Anonymous]

Assuming there is a court order that the kids can’t visit him without supervision or the goose is dangerous. I think a compromise is at his parents house where you can all go even at different times. When you take the tree down though you should divvy up the ornaments as fairly as you can.

[Anonymous]

House, not goose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, that's not reasonable if that's not what your ex wants.

Let’s assume I want it at my house, where the kids live, and he wants it at his house where the kids aren’t allowed to visit. What would you think would be a reasonable compromise?

That would depend on how precious those particular ornaments are to your surviving children. How well do they remember the sibling they lost? Do they know he made these ornaments? Depending on your surviving children’s memories, these ornaments may be more precious to you and your spouse than they are to the kids. I think you and spouse should work out an equitable solution. Spouse can decide whether to keep his ornaments at his home or bring them to his parents’s house.

I’m sorry for your loss and the new terrain you must navigate with your separation. I hope you and your family have a very Merry Christmas and that 2023 brings you peace and happiness.

[Anonymous]

Share the ornaments. If you don’t feel comfortable dividing them. Maybe they can rotate alternate years?

I bought a brand new tree when I separated from my ex-H. He loved the old tree and asked for it in the divorce despite being Jewish!

[Anonymous]

Split up the ornaments. You XH may not actually want any of them, nit because he’s a heartless monster but because he may not be as sentimental as you. After my divorce I kept everything from our relationship like the pictures and kid baby items. My XH didn’t want anything and I wanted to keep them for the kids if they want them one day.

Everything in a divorce is negotiable.

[Anonymous]

Are you planning to visit his parents when your ex and kids are there to decorate the tree together? Your original post was a little unclear. If so, I think it’s overstepping. Just divide the ornaments and have your own tree at home. To make it fair you and your ex could each pick one at a time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you planning to visit his parents when your ex and kids are there to decorate the tree together? Your original post was a little unclear. If so, I think it’s overstepping. Just divide the ornaments and have your own tree at home. To make it fair you and your ex could each pick one at a time.

No, there's a protection order so I can't be there when he is. It also means we can't divide up the ornaments in person. I drop and pick up the kids at his parents, and leave before he arrives, and return after he leaves. i know his parents would let me see the tree.

[Anonymous]

Split the ornaments

Are you sure he wants them?