My sister seems to be avoiding her 3 young kids and it bothers me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister has a 1,3, and 6 year old. She has leaned hard into her career since becoming a mom and never sees her children in the mornings during the week because she gets up early to go to the gym to work out and start her work day ahead of her colleagues. Their dad takes the kids to before care where they get breakfast. The kids are all in before care and after care. She usually sees them at night when she does pick up and dinner, but at least 1-2 times a week she goes out and dad or a babysitter watches the kids. Sometimes it is work events, more often it is girl’s dinners or date nights. On these days (about 1-2 times a week) she literally does not see her kids at all for the entire day, and the next day does not see them until the evening when she is picking them up from aftercare. She and her husband also regularly trade weekends away, and she minimizes her kids illnesses and injuries, sending them to daycare with Tylenol if they have a fever, etc. It bothers me, especially because she will make disparaging comments about me because I have leaned back in my career and prioritized my schedule to give my kids as much time at home with us as possible. And I find it hard to prioritize time for myself to work out or have time with friends. Sometimes she will say something mean to her kids or my kids when they get hurt or are crying, like “you’re just trying to get attention.” On social media she constantly posts all the things that she does with the kids, even though she’s hardly ever around and doesn’t act very lovingly toward them. It bothers me a lot that she’s like this, but I don’t feel like it’s my place to say anything. What would you do in this situation?

bolded is the problem. You are resentful. Make time for yourself and watch your resentment disappear.

And I say this as someone who also "leaned out" to be a really present mom and never had any time for myself. Now I'm leaning into work and spending more time doing what I want and our whole family unit is actually better off! I do love the time I spent with the kids when they were young and built a strong relationship with them, but being a mom martyr is not good for the kids, and its definitely not good for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, don’t let her get under your skin. You sound like a good mom but her values are clearly different (regularly away weekends with girls friends etc)

I’m ok with that part of it (different values) but she’s super judgemental about my choices to prioritize my family and makes random comments to me about it, which make me feel like I have to defend my choices. For the record, I don’t do that to her.

Which is it? Are you bothered by her choices or that she's judging you for yours? Honestly, it sounds like you are both judging each other.

[Anonymous]

I’m your sister. I am at the gym by 5 and shower there and at my desk by 7. I work hard throughout the day and I am home by 6:30 4 nights a week but have to go to board dinners or other things the other nights.

My DH doesn’t make much money so I put this pressure on myself to ensure we are financially stable. Also, I don’t enjoy the mundane moments with my kids if I’m being honest. Many people place their identity in their kids, I (maybe misplaced) put mine in my work.

Should I have not been a mom? Is that what you want your sister to say? Do you want me to feel bad about my decision? What’s your end game other than putting down other women who do life differently than you?

Feel free to put me down too, but there are more moms like your sister than you may think.

[Anonymous]

This is an anonymous forum where people say things they can't say in real life. If she wants to get this off her chest I don't see why she has to get attacked by the DCUM brigade.

That said I think there is a bit of a double standard here. My mother has two sons-in-law. One of them makes great money so wife doesn't work, and goes weeks without seeing his kids, leaves early and gets home late, lots of business trips. Every six weeks or so he takes them out for an amusement park day complete with plenty of Facebook photos. The other son-in-law makes ok money, does dinner and bedtime with the kids most nights while mom is at work, homework help, family outings on weekends. Guess which son-in-law walks on water and is the best dad ever to my mom.

[Anonymous]

Does her six year old also only eat hot dogs?

Keep at it, OP, I want to see what you come up with for your next "I'm a judgmental single aunt who knows jack shit about childcare" thread.

[Anonymous]

Confront your sister with your deep, deep concerns at Christmas dinner with the extended family. It will go over really well. Then get back to us with an update.

[Anonymous]

OP- You're getting dragged here a lot, but I hear you.
This was me with my former best friend. Except, she adopted a child and then proceeded to outsource all care for the child.
It bothered me a lot to hear her complain about new motherhood and the drain on her time and what an inconvenience everything was now.
I was not jealous of her. Simply put, it revealed a difference in values.
Not all relationships are meant to last forever, and at this stage, I no longer felt our values were compatible.
I hope you are able to be a steady and enjoyable Aunt to the kids.

[Anonymous]

Do nothing OP. The kids will eventually figure it out and go do their own things in life earlier and not stick around. It's what I did in a similar situation.

This was just standard parenting for me in the 70s and 80s, except we stayed at home by ourselves while our parents worked, since there was no aftercare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mind your own business and stop trying to one up your sister. We get it. You’re the best mom.

This. You might be surprised how it all turns out in the end. I leaned in hard during the early years (which my kids do not remember) and now have the wealth and flexibility to be very involved in the teenage years as a result. My teenagers are well adjusted and excelling in school/sports. I got a lot of harpy comments like yours, and I’m glad I ignored them.

LOL. You only have teenagers. You don’t actually know how they are going to turn out yet. Pride goes before the fall.

[Anonymous]

OP, i think the real issue is that your sister is judging you and being snide about it. You are judging her, but not to her face. Eventually, either one or both of you will have a comeuppance and see the folly of your ways and reconcile(not likely), you will lose self control and let it all out one day(possible), or you will fester in silence(pretty likely). The mature thing would be to tell your sister in a calm moment that her criticisms hurt your feelings without mentioning your own problems with her parenting.

FWIW, parenting at a distance is the norm in many other countries. A lot of times the mother is sahm and still doesn’t see the kids often. I lived in parts of Asia where hired help was so cheap and common that parents slept in every morning and let the help wake up, feed, dress the kids and send them to school. For your sister’s kids, it’s normal for them not to see her often. Maybe this will affect their relationship later, but maybe not.

[Anonymous]

You and your sister are both Bs and need to MYOB. She's the in-your-face B and you are the passive-aggressive holier-than-thou type.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mind your own business and stop trying to one up your sister. We get it. You’re the best mom.

This. You might be surprised how it all turns out in the end. I leaned in hard during the early years (which my kids do not remember) and now have the wealth and flexibility to be very involved in the teenage years as a result. My teenagers are well adjusted and excelling in school/sports. I got a lot of harpy comments like yours, and I’m glad I ignored them.

My husband did this. Worked like a dog in younger years and is now very present and the kids don't remember at all when he wasn't around.

Let's be real some people never check back in either and just keep working.

Point is they're all valid decisions. OP, maybe your sister and her husband agreed this was the plan much like many, many women agree to stay home and have a husband who makes all the money for the family.

[Anonymous]

Maybe your sister is right and you’re too much of a martyr. Why don’t you really consider that instead of getting mad and offended about it.

[Anonymous]

Would you feel this way if this were a male sibling? Would you be upset that he goes out once or twice a week in the evenings? And that his spouse does the daycare drop offs while your male sibling does pick up and dinner?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would you feel this way if this were a male sibling? Would you be upset that he goes out once or twice a week in the evenings? And that his spouse does the daycare drop offs while your male sibling does pick up and dinner?

Not OP, but if my DH pulled that crap, I’d be pissed. I went through ivf, difficult pregnancies, etc, and if he wanted to occasionally pop in to parent (and left me or daycare to do basically everything else), that is completely unacceptable.