My sister seems to be avoiding her 3 young kids and it bothers me
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
| My sister has a 1,3, and 6 year old. She has leaned hard into her career since becoming a mom and never sees her children in the mornings during the week because she gets up early to go to the gym to work out and start her work day ahead of her colleagues. Their dad takes the kids to before care where they get breakfast. The kids are all in before care and after care. She usually sees them at night when she does pick up and dinner, but at least 1-2 times a week she goes out and dad or a babysitter watches the kids. Sometimes it is work events, more often it is girl’s dinners or date nights. On these days (about 1-2 times a week) she literally does not see her kids at all for the entire day, and the next day does not see them until the evening when she is picking them up from aftercare. She and her husband also regularly trade weekends away, and she minimizes her kids illnesses and injuries, sending them to daycare with Tylenol if they have a fever, etc. It bothers me, especially because she will make disparaging comments about me because I have leaned back in my career and prioritized my schedule to give my kids as much time at home with us as possible. And I find it hard to prioritize time for myself to work out or have time with friends. Sometimes she will say something mean to her kids or my kids when they get hurt or are crying, like “you’re just trying to get attention.” On social media she constantly posts all the things that she does with the kids, even though she’s hardly ever around and doesn’t act very lovingly toward them. It bothers me a lot that she’s like this, but I don’t feel like it’s my place to say anything. What would you do in this situation? |
Anonymous
| MYOB and use paragraphs |
Anonymous
| Mind your own business and stop trying to one up your sister. We get it. You’re the best mom. |
Anonymous
|
Oh, I'd post a long and extremely passive aggressive screed about it on DCUM.
Wait, no. That's what I'd do if I was a bored troll and wanted to start a fight about working moms on here. Gosh, I don't know what I'd do in your situation OP. Sounds tough. |
Anonymous
+1 million. |
Anonymous
|
Nothing.
You and your sister have very different approaches to parenting. Neither is the only right way. The biggest offense from your post that your sister has committed is sending a kid who has a fever to daycare. The rest, prioritizing her exercises and trade time off with her H, lean in on her work, etc, those are all subjective and entirely within the normal range of parenting. Would you feel so strongly if it's a man who does these things? It seems that you're judging her hard because she's a woman. |
Anonymous
| I also wouldn’t say anything, sounds like she would be defensive and closed off. If you ever do mention something, be careful not to blame or accuse her of ignoring them. It will go nowhere. Poor kiddos. Just be a good aunt, that’s all you can do. I do feel sorry for young children who get lost in the shuffle. |
Anonymous
| Also, don’t let her get under your skin. You sound like a good mom but her values are clearly different (regularly away weekends with girls friends etc) |
Anonymous
|
If you actually care about the kids, then you should feel free to have them over yourself for dinner or watch them on weekends. You're just concern trolling.
I'm not your sister, but my mom is always making disparaging comments about how my kids eat breakfast at school and preschool. I don't get it- who cares about where kids eat breakfast?? Preschool serves a wonderful, hot breakfast. Is eating breakfast together some sort of bonding time? Because I don't remember it that way when I was a kid. I remember getting cereal and being rushed. My kids are eating scrambled eggs, fruit and milk with their friends. Oh and I pay for it because school is pricey, so why not use it? I get to work at the crack of dawn so that I can get home early and Dh does all the mornings with the kids. |
Anonymous
|
I'm going to be nice to you OP.
I don't have a sister like this but knew someone like this. One of my friend's married a woman like this. Everything you described. 3 kids. She had a huge career and did not see them much and outsourced a lot of care. Lots of social media posts featuring the kids. Even the gym rat lifestyle. This woman was in shape. I had to ask myself why I was so bothered. It's a massive double standard. Men are out there doing this all day ever day and do you come to DCUM to comment? I'm guessing you do not think twice. It's normal enough to have the thoughts and judge but just don't. J The woman I'm talking about her kids are much older now and she does not have close relationships with the kids and the oldest child, they actively do not get along at all. They are all closer to their dad. This is neither good nor bad. It just is. Again, do we judge men who make these choices? Not really. This woman has been highly successful in her career. Yay for her. |
Anonymous
I’m ok with that part of it (different values) but she’s super judgemental about my choices to prioritize my family and makes random comments to me about it, which make me feel like I have to defend my choices. For the record, I don’t do that to her. |
Anonymous
| You're a great mom OP! So pathetic. You don't care about your sister's kids, just posting this to feel better about yourself. Or you're just a troll. |
Anonymous
|
Are you able to be present for her kids? That's the only reason to get involved at all. And even then, you don't say anything, you just pitch in or have cousin days or whatever. Basically act like she has cancer.
Otherwise, you can judge but you can't say anything. It's sad for her/them but the kids are not being neglected. As for her rude comments to you, you can either tell her bluntly her she's being a B, fade out, it really lean into it and be a showoff about how much fun you have with your kids because you don't (have to?) work all the time. That last is too much effort for me but sometimes petty is satisfying. |
Anonymous
This. You might be surprised how it all turns out in the end. I leaned in hard during the early years (which my kids do not remember) and now have the wealth and flexibility to be very involved in the teenage years as a result. My teenagers are well adjusted and excelling in school/sports. I got a lot of harpy comments like yours, and I’m glad I ignored them. |
Anonymous
Some parents do better with different ages. My husband was good with babies, impatient with toddlers, and excellent with teens. Toddlers and elementary school ages are my favorite, so it worked out for us. |