Want to estrange myself from my mom

[Anonymous]

“Never see her in a location that isn't neutral. Never provide her a ride. You must always be able to get up and leave and drive yourself away.”

Good point. You know, it took me until age 50 to realize this. I was in such denial that my family of origin was reasonably normal that I spent three decades returning for holidays with the hope that I wouldn’t be attacked at some point when I least expected. I’ve cut her off - it was the only way to stop it. Good luck

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you all for your thoughtful responses. I’m sorry that you have had similar experiences. I am especially sorry to the PP who suffered physical and verbal abuse at the hands of family. I can’t imagine what you’ve been through but I hope you are in a good place now.

I’m still not sure how I’m going to handle this. One big issue is that my mom has verbalized suicidal thoughts before (never had a serious attempt but has some stuff to hurt herself). So, while she isn’t actively expressing such thoughts, and is under the care of a psychiatrist, I am worried that if I cut her off, she may hurt herself. So I stay.

I have posted before, but wanted to say if you haven't already, speak with your therapist about how to proceed whenever she talks about suicide. Does she have a therapist or just a psychiatrist?

Basically you want to keep stepping back and exploring boundaries until you find your comfort zone. In dream land, you set some boundaries she accepts them and you can live happily ever after. In reality, she will push against them and use all sorts of tactics and you work with your therapist regarding how to cope and proceed. Right now I am at low contact. She raged a lot with boundaries which just made me step back more. I no longer tolerate insults, guilt trips and tantrums and I wonder how I put up with it for so long.

[Anonymous]

Also, she may try to punish you when you set boundaries by giving you the silence treatment or declaring you dead. Happened to us for a while and i was such a blessing. There was no guilt because it was her decision. We were trying to have s relationship. I could finally breathe and sleep better. Also, your therapist usually doesn't want you to cut off from a parent, but if the parent cuts you off, it's a lot easier for them to digest especially if all you did was impose reasonable boundaries. Of course, when mom "punished me" by stopping contact I no longer needed therapy because all that junk in my head emptied out.

The kicker comes when they decide to allow you back into their lives when you never asked them too. If you declare me dead, I prefer to stay that way to you. I had to make it clear the boundaries that made you reject me remain if you want to be in touch again.

[Anonymous]

OP again. She’s calling me again (after big blow up last week where she yelled for 2 hours, threatened to hurt herself, called me derogatory names) and is posting pics of her with my kids on social media and family group chats. Like nothing happened. I’m not answering or responding.
Not surprising that since last week, while I am super upset and conflicted, she has been to two large social events, all dressed up and the life of the party (acquaintances who saw her there texted me). No one has any idea what she is really like and everyone thinks she’s the most amazing mom, wife, grandmother.
I’m speaking to my therapist again after several months later this week….

[Anonymous]

Hi OP. My mom is a terrible person also, with no friends because she is a terrible person. She has also alienated the little family we do have because of being a terrible person.

I haven't "estranged" myself from her. But I only do what is necessary to keep her alive. Sorry if it sounds harsh. We live 30 mins from her, but I rarely see her. I make sure her rent is paid every month, she has enough groceries to feed herself, etc. But I didn't spend Thanksgiving with her, won't be spending Christmas with her, etc. It's her own fault she has no one to spend the holidays with. Do I feel guilty? Sometimes, yes.

If she complains about not seeing me, I just tell her how busy I am with work, the kids, etc. I don't answer the phone when she calls unless it is multiple calls in succession. Which is never an emergency, just her being crazy, so I tell her I'm in the middle of something and let her go back to leaving long enough messages on my VM that they cut off because they are over 4 mins.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. She’s calling me again (after big blow up last week where she yelled for 2 hours, threatened to hurt herself, called me derogatory names) and is posting pics of her with my kids on social media and family group chats. Like nothing happened. I’m not answering or responding.
Not surprising that since last week, while I am super upset and conflicted, she has been to two large social events, all dressed up and the life of the party (acquaintances who saw her there texted me). No one has any idea what she is really like and everyone thinks she’s the most amazing mom, wife, grandmother.
I’m speaking to my therapist again after several months later this week….

Does it ever make you angry that she is able to live an apparently carefree life while you are stuck dealing with the detritus of interacting with her?

Can you ever imagine doing this to your own child?

You have to find a part of you that is self-protective. Sending vibes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. She’s calling me again (after big blow up last week where she yelled for 2 hours, threatened to hurt herself, called me derogatory names) and is posting pics of her with my kids on social media and family group chats. Like nothing happened. I’m not answering or responding.
Not surprising that since last week, while I am super upset and conflicted, she has been to two large social events, all dressed up and the life of the party (acquaintances who saw her there texted me). No one has any idea what she is really like and everyone thinks she’s the most amazing mom, wife, grandmother.
I’m speaking to my therapist again after several months later this week….

OP your mom sounds so much like my mom here. Savvy people can smell these types from a mile away. I have acquaintances who I assume are just like my mom. I see the red flags. i don't get too close. So some people may have an idea of what she is really like, especially if they have a mom just like her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. She’s calling me again (after big blow up last week where she yelled for 2 hours, threatened to hurt herself, called me derogatory names) and is posting pics of her with my kids on social media and family group chats. Like nothing happened. I’m not answering or responding.
Not surprising that since last week, while I am super upset and conflicted, she has been to two large social events, all dressed up and the life of the party (acquaintances who saw her there texted me). No one has any idea what she is really like and everyone thinks she’s the most amazing mom, wife, grandmother.
I’m speaking to my therapist again after several months later this week….

Does it ever make you angry that she is able to live an apparently carefree life while you are stuck dealing with the detritus of interacting with her?

Can you ever imagine doing this to your own child?

You have to find a part of you that is self-protective. Sending vibes.

Not OP, but I just posted because I have a mom like this. If OPs mom is anything like mine she may be the belle of the ball at times, but she also struggles with feelings of emptiness and major rage and if she is like my mom she cannot experience gratitude. I remind myself of this because I don't feel empty. I have a lot of meaning in my life. I am grateful for so many things and little things bring me joy. I do not bubble over with rage the way she does. I remind myself my mother may look charming to the outside world, but she struggles constantly with her demons and I would not want that life. I cannot imagine making anyone feel the way she tries to make me feel, but we are wired so differently.

Also, as OPs mom loses her filter more and cannot put on the facade those friendships may fade. My mother was incapable of forming true friendship even when she seemed to be surrounded by friends. Now many of her "friends" are moving away from her because they are seeing the side I have seen my whole life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. She’s calling me again (after big blow up last week where she yelled for 2 hours, threatened to hurt herself, called me derogatory names) and is posting pics of her with my kids on social media and family group chats. Like nothing happened. I’m not answering or responding.
Not surprising that since last week, while I am super upset and conflicted, she has been to two large social events, all dressed up and the life of the party (acquaintances who saw her there texted me). No one has any idea what she is really like and everyone thinks she’s the most amazing mom, wife, grandmother.
I’m speaking to my therapist again after several months later this week….

Does it ever make you angry that she is able to live an apparently carefree life while you are stuck dealing with the detritus of interacting with her?

Can you ever imagine doing this to your own child?

You have to find a part of you that is self-protective. Sending vibes.

Not OP, but I just posted because I have a mom like this. If OPs mom is anything like mine she may be the belle of the ball at times, but she also struggles with feelings of emptiness and major rage and if she is like my mom she cannot experience gratitude. I remind myself of this because I don't feel empty. I have a lot of meaning in my life. I am grateful for so many things and little things bring me joy. I do not bubble over with rage the way she does. I remind myself my mother may look charming to the outside world, but she struggles constantly with her demons and I would not want that life. I cannot imagine making anyone feel the way she tries to make me feel, but we are wired so differently.

Also, as OPs mom loses her filter more and cannot put on the facade those friendships may fade. My mother was incapable of forming true friendship even when she seemed to be surrounded by friends. Now many of her "friends" are moving away from her because they are seeing the side I have seen my whole life.

Wow. OP here again. This is my mom. She puts on a show for everyone, but has feelings of emptiness and rage. And this is what keeps me going back. I feel so, so sad for her and it hurts that someone I love feels this much emptiness and grief. But she has no gratitude for anything, or insight into her selfishness. It’s always about her. I think because she sees I do have a life outside her—loving husband, healthy children, thriving career—why can’t I fill her bucket and make our relationship successful? This makes her even more resentful bc she doesn’t understand why I don’t worship the ground she walks on.

I do take solace in the fact that’s she has so many friends (and it takes some pressure off me to worry about her being lonely) but you are right, anyone who gets too close leaves after they figure out what she is really like. I don’t think any of her friends really know her.

For everyone who is asking why I let her hurt me and jerk me around so much—I guess because even though she is extremely flawed, she is my mom. I know I have enabled this behavior. Which is why I’m now creating boundaries and space. I’m just terrified about how she is going to respond.