In laws and Christmas

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel your pain except it's my parents. Their love language is gifts, and they show up at Christmas with easily a dozen gifts for our DS. I've tried a million different ways to ask them to dial it back, to instead of giving physical gifts give experiences or even money into the college fund. I've asked if I can give them ideas or get a heads up on what they're buying. Nope. They want the joy of watching DS's face when he opens presents that they picked out.

Some years DH and I are infuriated. Some years we try to let it go. In theory we should dial back and give less because DS also gets a gift from each set of aunt or uncles, godparents, but it irritates me that then it's my parents who get the joy of buying gifts for my child for Christmas and DH and I then lose out on that fun.

No guidance just solidarity. I know it's a first world problem, and one that many wish they had, but it is hard and annoying.

We pick specific gifts each xmas and set those aside early on and let my in laws know that we are getting those gifts.

For instance, my DD's big gift is a dollhouse. DS's is a game player. These are bigger gifts even than we usually do. My MIL was definitely disappointed she didn't get to get my daughter a dollhouse, but I was particular that I wanted it to come from us and I just communicated that.

We put other gifts that the kids desire on their wish list. That we at least control what it is so it's not too big (live in a rowhouse so storage space is an issue). If I want a particular gift to come from us, I don't put it on the wish list and just say so.

I don't worry about the grandparents giving stuff that is physically small, it gives the family the joy of the kids opening it, then it's easy enough to throw in toy baskets. It's big/bulky stuff that makes me stressed because I have to find space for it. I just communicate about that.

I also do an annual cleanout and get rid of outgrown toys to make room for the new and keep things manageable.

10 toys from grandparents is definitely a lot though. I'd make a case about space and storage.

[Anonymous]

I had the same issue. Tried forever to stop the flow of gifts but my ILs would not listen. What I ended up doing was taking the piles of gifts and putting 90% of them in the attic, unopened. then I donated them to our church giving tree the next Christmas. In Laws never noticed the gifts were not in the house, because they didn't care about the gift, it was the volume. Interestingly, my kids barely noticed either. They(kids and parents) were so overwhelmed by the volume they didn't remember the details, so I just moved them out before anyone noticed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had the same issue. Tried forever to stop the flow of gifts but my ILs would not listen. What I ended up doing was taking the piles of gifts and putting 90% of them in the attic, unopened. then I donated them to our church giving tree the next Christmas. In Laws never noticed the gifts were not in the house, because they didn't care about the gift, it was the volume. Interestingly, my kids barely noticed either. They(kids and parents) were so overwhelmed by the volume they didn't remember the details, so I just moved them out before anyone noticed.

This seems like it would only work in ideal situations. My kids aren't going to not notice a pile of unopened gifts by the tree if everyone is together for the holiday. And giving trees often ask for specific gifts, random wrapped gifts may not cut it. Are grandparents mailing all these wrapped gifts? My MIL mails me gifts but then demands I mail them and she'll send each kid like one $15 item so I can't exactly not wrap it and then give the kids nothing. I guess its good if it works for you but, I can't see how this works for many.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had the same issue. Tried forever to stop the flow of gifts but my ILs would not listen. What I ended up doing was taking the piles of gifts and putting 90% of them in the attic, unopened. then I donated them to our church giving tree the next Christmas. In Laws never noticed the gifts were not in the house, because they didn't care about the gift, it was the volume. Interestingly, my kids barely noticed either. They(kids and parents) were so overwhelmed by the volume they didn't remember the details, so I just moved them out before anyone noticed.

This seems like it would only work in ideal situations. My kids aren't going to not notice a pile of unopened gifts by the tree if everyone is together for the holiday. And giving trees often ask for specific gifts, random wrapped gifts may not cut it. Are grandparents mailing all these wrapped gifts? My MIL mails me gifts but then demands I mail them and she'll send each kid like one $15 item so I can't exactly not wrap it and then give the kids nothing. I guess its good if it works for you but, I can't see how this works for many.

This is the PP. I let my kids unwrap them (ILs are there to see it) and then they just kind of.... disappear. Once or twice a kid will ask about something specific, and I will bring that down, or if it's something they truly seem to love and will use, I of course leave that for them. The rest just go to Church; not once have I been told I didn't bring the "right" gifts to donate. They will find a better home than mine.

[Anonymous]

OP, I get it. I am right there with you. And I am sorry to say you are unlikely to win this battle.

The funny thing is, my ILs buy so much cr@p that my kids get overwhelmed and can't even really appreciate any of it. Their favorite gift invariably comes from my SIL who is on a limited budget and buys them one thoughtfully chosen but very modest gift apiece. So MIL has never had the experience she so clearly craves, of buying the memorable IT gift they talk about for years. 99/100 that gift has been from SIL.

As others have said, paste a smile on your face (Baileys in the coffee helps) let them open the avalanche of gifts and then quietly give them away later. It is wasteful and a major PIA for you, but that is where this is going.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had the same issue. Tried forever to stop the flow of gifts but my ILs would not listen. What I ended up doing was taking the piles of gifts and putting 90% of them in the attic, unopened. then I donated them to our church giving tree the next Christmas. In Laws never noticed the gifts were not in the house, because they didn't care about the gift, it was the volume. Interestingly, my kids barely noticed either. They(kids and parents) were so overwhelmed by the volume they didn't remember the details, so I just moved them out before anyone noticed.

This seems like it would only work in ideal situations. My kids aren't going to not notice a pile of unopened gifts by the tree if everyone is together for the holiday. And giving trees often ask for specific gifts, random wrapped gifts may not cut it. Are grandparents mailing all these wrapped gifts? My MIL mails me gifts but then demands I mail them and she'll send each kid like one $15 item so I can't exactly not wrap it and then give the kids nothing. I guess its good if it works for you but, I can't see how this works for many.

This is the PP. I let my kids unwrap them (ILs are there to see it) and then they just kind of.... disappear. Once or twice a kid will ask about something specific, and I will bring that down, or if it's something they truly seem to love and will use, I of course leave that for them. The rest just go to Church; not once have I been told I didn't bring the "right" gifts to donate. They will find a better home than mine.

Ok, that makes a little more sense. My kids have much better memories about this than I do and will remember exactly who gave what or who got what long after I've forgotten. Wish/angel trees usually say something for a boy or girl around a specific age or specific wants so I was imagining mystery wrapped packages that may not be what was requested. If I participate in one of those I try to get what's asked for rather than any old thing from my house so that those kids get something they actually want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had the same issue. Tried forever to stop the flow of gifts but my ILs would not listen. What I ended up doing was taking the piles of gifts and putting 90% of them in the attic, unopened. then I donated them to our church giving tree the next Christmas. In Laws never noticed the gifts were not in the house, because they didn't care about the gift, it was the volume. Interestingly, my kids barely noticed either. They(kids and parents) were so overwhelmed by the volume they didn't remember the details, so I just moved them out before anyone noticed.

This seems like it would only work in ideal situations. My kids aren't going to not notice a pile of unopened gifts by the tree if everyone is together for the holiday. And giving trees often ask for specific gifts, random wrapped gifts may not cut it. Are grandparents mailing all these wrapped gifts? My MIL mails me gifts but then demands I mail them and she'll send each kid like one $15 item so I can't exactly not wrap it and then give the kids nothing. I guess its good if it works for you but, I can't see how this works for many.

You let them unwrap the gifts and keep the ones they are genuinely excited about. I think you are not envisioning what is happening here. At least in my case, my MIL is bringing so much stuff they cannot possible remember it all. Think 5 barbies instead of one. Plus 20 outfits/accessories to go with them. And that is just one category. There will also be books (at least 5), outfits for her (3), pool toys, sports equipment, board games, and a Christmas stocking of crap from the dollar store. Multiplied by 3 kids. We can barely walk across our living room. If that is what OP is dealing with, it is very easy to tuck away half or more to give away. I keep the stuff they like, hide the rest for about a month, and then if they haven't asked for something by name it gets sent to the church.

Also giving trees like you are thinking of are long since done by Christmas. That's not where these go. Shelters need cloths and toys all year round. They don't ask for specific stuff. I have also donated toys to preschools, occupational therapists offices and even my kids dentist. Out it goes!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had the same issue. Tried forever to stop the flow of gifts but my ILs would not listen. What I ended up doing was taking the piles of gifts and putting 90% of them in the attic, unopened. then I donated them to our church giving tree the next Christmas. In Laws never noticed the gifts were not in the house, because they didn't care about the gift, it was the volume. Interestingly, my kids barely noticed either. They(kids and parents) were so overwhelmed by the volume they didn't remember the details, so I just moved them out before anyone noticed.

This seems like it would only work in ideal situations. My kids aren't going to not notice a pile of unopened gifts by the tree if everyone is together for the holiday. And giving trees often ask for specific gifts, random wrapped gifts may not cut it. Are grandparents mailing all these wrapped gifts? My MIL mails me gifts but then demands I mail them and she'll send each kid like one $15 item so I can't exactly not wrap it and then give the kids nothing. I guess its good if it works for you but, I can't see how this works for many.

You let them unwrap the gifts and keep the ones they are genuinely excited about. I think you are not envisioning what is happening here. At least in my case, my MIL is bringing so much stuff they cannot possible remember it all. Think 5 barbies instead of one. Plus 20 outfits/accessories to go with them. And that is just one category. There will also be books (at least 5), outfits for her (3), pool toys, sports equipment, board games, and a Christmas stocking of crap from the dollar store. Multiplied by 3 kids. We can barely walk across our living room. If that is what OP is dealing with, it is very easy to tuck away half or more to give away. I keep the stuff they like, hide the rest for about a month, and then if they haven't asked for something by name it gets sent to the church.

Also giving trees like you are thinking of are long since done by Christmas. That's not where these go. Shelters need cloths and toys all year round. They don't ask for specific stuff. I have also donated toys to preschools, occupational therapists offices and even my kids dentist. Out it goes!

PP explained that the kids actually unwrapped the gifts which was not clear originally, it just said unopened and she removed them and it wasn't clear if they just got delivered and never seen or if everyone was together for unwrapping but she somehow squirreled 90% away before anyone noticed. My kids will tear through a ton of gifts but they don't miss the unwrapped ones even if there are 100 of them. PP also mentioned her specific church gift donation. The way it was originally laid out didn't make sense, but I think her follow up clarified. I'm familiar with the idea of general item donation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel your pain except it's my parents. Their love language is gifts, and they show up at Christmas with easily a dozen gifts for our DS. I've tried a million different ways to ask them to dial it back, to instead of giving physical gifts give experiences or even money into the college fund. I've asked if I can give them ideas or get a heads up on what they're buying. Nope. They want the joy of watching DS's face when he opens presents that they picked out.

Some years DH and I are infuriated. Some years we try to let it go. In theory we should dial back and give less because DS also gets a gift from each set of aunt or uncles, godparents, but it irritates me that then it's my parents who get the joy of buying gifts for my child for Christmas and DH and I then lose out on that fun.

No guidance just solidarity. I know it's a first world problem, and one that many wish they had, but it is hard and annoying.

Right. So it's all about them, not your son.

[Anonymous]

My parents (really just my mom) are the same. I've asked for one big gift, OR a couple small gifts plus money for the savings account, but no, she has to give them a PILE of cheap junk every year. If I suggest something big she gasps about the expense but she easily spends that much on the pile of junk.

[Anonymous]

My kids get:
~4 gifts from grandparents (a mix of small/medium things and handmedowns from my childhood for the most part)
1 gift from each of my siblings (2)
2 gifts from me (toy and book)
~4 gifts from other friends or relatives

We usually try to open one present per kid each of the 12 days of Christmas; usually they have enough to cover all 12 days, but if not I let them open one of mine or the family presents.

[Anonymous]

My DH and I fought about this for years. My MIL showered the kids with so many damn Christmas gifts year after year that I felt there was no point in kids having anything from Santa. My MIL is truly addicted to shopping and spending money. The in-laws would literally pull up with a truckload of toys - so much crap and year after year I would donate 90 percent of the stuff. To make matters worse, MIL would forget what she got them and would consistently repeat toys each year. DH and I we’re financially supporting in- laws and we told her every year please not to do this snd she refused - she was essentially spending our money for boatloads of crap for the kids. Kids quickly became overwhelmed and disinterested and I gave up any hope of ever getting the kids anything meaningful from Santa. Kids are grown now but I still remember the anger I felt every year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel your pain except it's my parents. Their love language is gifts, and they show up at Christmas with easily a dozen gifts for our DS. I've tried a million different ways to ask them to dial it back, to instead of giving physical gifts give experiences or even money into the college fund. I've asked if I can give them ideas or get a heads up on what they're buying. Nope. They want the joy of watching DS's face when he opens presents that they picked out.

Some years DH and I are infuriated. Some years we try to let it go. In theory we should dial back and give less because DS also gets a gift from each set of aunt or uncles, godparents, but it irritates me that then it's my parents who get the joy of buying gifts for my child for Christmas and DH and I then lose out on that fun.

No guidance just solidarity. I know it's a first world problem, and one that many wish they had, but it is hard and annoying.

Right. So it's all about them, not your son.

They want to make the kid happy with presents and it is all about them? What are you are you smoking.

[Anonymous]

Every family does it differently. The problem is you and your spouse aren’t on the same page. I don’t have a set number of presents we get our kids for Christmas, but I like a pretty big day. The grandparents basically send no gifts, so it’s just us. I actually think it’s nice that your in-laws want to get your kids gifts! Why not suggest a gift that they can give each kid, maybe something you won’t have to pick up off the floor? Maybe grandparents could pay for a class or fun activity for the kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How many gifts is reasonable for your child to receive for Christmas? How many gifts should come from Grandparents? My DH wants to keep coming up with gift ideas to send to his mom, while I think Christmas should be for fewer gifts and then more throughout the year, and should really be about being with family. It feels like they are buying stuff just to buy it, and it's more about how much money is spent and the quantity of the gifts. DH and I have been fighting about it a lot since I'm the one who picks the gifts off the floor in a few weeks and puts them in a bin to collect dust. I think it's also ridiculous DH cares more about giving his mother a lengthy list than listening to his wife's wishes over an important holiday. Thoughts?

I think this has nothing to do with in laws or with Christmas.

It's about you and your husband finding ways to compromise. Relationships 101.