Mom is furious....for no "real" reason

[Anonymous]

I do that all the time and I’m 40.

[Anonymous]

Getting angry about mistakes is a big sign of dementia.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do that all the time and I’m 40.

You do what all the time? Angrily accuse people of moving your stuff and lying about you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sounds dementia related, I’m sorry to say OP.

My thoughts exactly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't need a snappy comeback. Get her an appointment with her doctor to talk about this issue and see if she's ok.

This. Along with the overwhelming chorus here, drop the *being irked* scenario - which is not going to help - and get some medical advice.

I disagree with the stop being irked. Having been at this for years, you have a right to feel frustrated and at a loss. Feel irked. It's normal! It's tough. I would read these forums and think you get the magic neurologist fairy to help and voila-things are better. They aren't. It can be a massive ordeal getting the loved on to the doctor and getting the doctor to take it seriously if the person can still hold it together and pass the screen. Even when you have a diagnosis, it's hard to get the person to comply with mood meds and things decline, there are no good meds for cognitive. I have dealt with so many outbursts and accusations. I hate it! I hate hearing it's the disease where in some cases it really is just a worsening of behavior that was already there and even when it isn't that and instead it's a major change in personality, it sucks and you miss the person you knew. There are so many videos with tips from experts online and it was so helpful and comforting for a while and frankly after enough years those videos just annoy me. Who wants to be treated this way?

Keep us posted OP.

So much of this is true. You get treated like garbage and are expected to be this perfect, selfless angel who will put up with anything and be completely focused on the parent, no matter what other responsibilities you have. One day they act like a perfect lamb, the next a monster. And the main caregiver who loves them most and is kindest to them is always the easiest target. And people on the outside don’t get it and sometimes imply that you could be doing more/better, or should just shell out $100,000 worth of care per year. Easy peasy.

And yeah, they accuse you of moving their stuff, throwing away their stuff, taking over their lives, lying to them, etc. But then sometimes they’re perfectly lovely and pleasant and you have a great day. Totally random the way the brain works.

[Anonymous]

Mention that she keeps bringing up long-past situations with a level of anger that is completely unnecessary. Ask if there is something deeper that she’s dwelling on that’s making her revisit and make dramas out of minor issues. Ask her point blank what she expects you to do.

[Anonymous]

I agree with others that this a huge red flag for dementia, especially if dementia is in the family.

The angry outbursts and accusations are part of dementia itself but it's also common for people realizing they may be in the early stages to react this way a sort of denial.

If she hasn't already she will project onto you and others any mistakes she makes or concerns she has. Example she didn't forget grandkids recital you never told her. Details you clearly remember happening will change and you will be the one remembering the story or the tradition wrong.

She'll become more inappropriate as the illness caused her to lose inhibitions.

A snappy comeback won't work. You need to start working out care and support for yourself and for her.

As for your mom you address it as you are always on her side and that's why you have these concerns and would like for her to talk to her doctor.

Lots of online resources on how to conduct the conversation.

[Anonymous]

I just want to say that you shouldn’t quickly assume that the dementia is unfixable. Here are some things that I’ve seen in elderlly that cause dementia symptoms but are totally curable:

— vitamin deficiency (I think especially b12), many elderly have trouble absorbing vitamins
— medication overages — a relative was losing weight and ended up with too high a prescription of her thyroid medication which makes one super paranoid
— loss of sleep — another relative got put on medication that caused insomnia and started acting really crazy with low level sleep psychosis
— vascular constriction — another relative’s symptoms improved drastically after having the vascular arteries cleared off clogging
There’s also a brain condition where spinal fluid collects and causes dementia — it often charaxteristically causes a shuffling gait.

Doctors are very quick to write off symptoms in the elderly as Alzheimer’s or dementia but there are many other causes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sounds dementia related, I’m sorry to say OP.

I agree with this.

I also don't really know what OP is looking for. A way to respond to her mom if she says she's being "targeted" again?

This is OP. I'm looking for a way to help my mom (primarily). Or for ways to respond.

I think you should post a similar message under either Health & Medicine or the Midlife/Aging forum. People who've had experience with dementia won't realize a thread in Family relationships may need their experience.

I'd ask what are the resources or where to get resources to help figure out what this behavior is.

My father, in his 80s, has some sort of short-term memory loss that very rarely progresses to full blown dementia. Thank goodness. I never say "Don't you remember? We talked about this yesterday." I always answer the question (sometimes on consecutive days) and move to the next topic. That's not the situation you're describing, as he isn't bringing up some sort of argument.

Good luck. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Don't expect a rational thought process from an irrational person

[Anonymous]

If it is dementia related you are not supposed to engage--it will get you nowhere. Instead you say "Let's talk about something else" and you change the subject. SOmeone with a decline will react to that and follow your train of thought. I had to learn this technique and it avoided a lot of battles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dementia. You do not respond. You start looking for dementia-specific care because if she's in the angry phase, it's progressive quickly. Now some UTIs do give the same symptoms, but will she go to the doctor to get it checked out?

+1 This is the answer, but start with UTI. UTI infection in the elderly can present as dementia.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dementia. You do not respond. You start looking for dementia-specific care because if she's in the angry phase, it's progressive quickly. Now some UTIs do give the same symptoms, but will she go to the doctor to get it checked out?

+1 This is the answer, but start with UTI. UTI infection in the elderly can present as dementia.

I was just about to post this. It comes up every single time and it is amazing what UTIs can do and in one case it was a UTI, but yeah, always good to check.

Also what sucks is when you detach completely and stop seeing the person for a while the accusations don't always stop. It's like how am I stealing from you/sabotaging you when I don't even see you? And there is always some relative or friend who believes them because they still seem rational.

[Anonymous]

Here's an article about UTIs causing delirium and an experimental treatment: https://www.cedars-sinai.org/newsroom/unlocking-the-cause-of-uti-induced-delirium/. Wow this is a real thing.

[Anonymous]

Omg- poor woman. She is apparently fixated on this, real or not. make her feel better with a little white lie.
Just say sorry mom, it’s ok, DH said it was likely a kid who left the burner on, or someone else.
Be gentle with her, but keep watching for other signs of cognitive decline. This may have just been an isolated incident