Mom is furious....for no "real" reason
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Anonymous
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I could use advice, because I'm at a loss.
Last year, my mom was over cooking and left the gas on the stove (no flame). My husband walked downstairs, said he smelled gas, i turned off burner, opened windows, etc. We didn't balme my mom. I said I've done it, maybe I turned it on by mistake, I didn't smell anything either, maybe because of allergies. My husband was very non-blaming as well. The next day, I get a call from mom yelling that she hates my husband because he sabatogged her, the gas was never on, I didn't back her up. I thought we had moved on (after awhile), but when I invited her to Thanksgiving, its the same thing. She hates my husband, he moves her stuff, he tries to set her up, he's lying about the gas, I'm not supporting her. She said she can't stop thinking about this...and again, it's been a year. She doesn't believe me when I tell her what I think happened. She can't move past it. There's also a lot of talk about how I don't believe her because she's old. I'm worried she's depressed (made worse by covid isolation) or is starting to get some dementia. A lot of her accusations involve what a good memory she has, so she would never leave the gas on or misplace her stuff, and that i just discount her because of her age. (She also accused my husband of moving her stuff, when I think she just forgot to check.) I'm not really sure what to do to help her, if anyone has advice. (I'm also pretty irked by this whole thing, so i could use a change in perception.) |
Anonymous
| This sounds dementia related, I’m sorry to say OP. |
Anonymous
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I'd worry that this is an early sign of cognitive decline.
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Anonymous
| It's either early dementia or intense anxiety about developing dementia and/or losing her independence. |
Anonymous
| Unfortunately this sounds like the kind of behavior my grandmother developed early in Alzheimer's. She targeted it at my sweet, honest and caring aunt who was very hurt- my grandmother accused her of taking things. A good workup to look for underlying causes of memory issues (thyroid, vitamin deficiencies, depression, etc.) would be the next step, but you may have some trouble getting past her defensiveness. If you can have a heart to heart to ask her what's behind her fears and ask if you can go with her to her doctor, that would be helpful. |
Anonymous
I agree with this. I also don't really know what OP is looking for. A way to respond to her mom if she says she's being "targeted" again? |
Anonymous
This is OP. I'm looking for a way to help my mom (primarily). Or for ways to respond. |
Anonymous
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Dementia. You do not respond. You start looking for dementia-specific care because if she's in the angry phase, it's progressive quickly. Now some UTIs do give the same symptoms, but will she go to the doctor to get it checked out?
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Anonymous
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I agree that it could well be cognitive decline/dementia. It often manifests this way. Though I hope that isn't the case.
In terms of what to do, I would stop arguing for one thing - don't try to persuade her that what she believes isn't true. Just kind of lean in or redirect. "I'm so sorry Mom that must feel awful. How about if we take a walk, I've been wanting to see that new house that was just built." You can even say things like "everyone feels awful about that situation Mom, I'm so sorry it's still upsetting you. What can we do to put it behind us? What would help you this week?" etc... Just listen and be sympathetic and then redirect and maybe she will be a bit calmer if not feeling opposition. And, call her doctor and get her in for an evaluation. Tell the doctor what you're seeing and tell him you'd like a cognitive assessment. |
Anonymous
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I know it will be hard OP but please don't get "irked," get help. Unfortunately, I agree with the others and this is likely the onset of dementia or other cognitive decline. Please get her evaluated and some help because it will continue to deteriorate and get way worse. It sounds strikingly similar to how my grandfather, during his initial onset, talked about/to my dad and uncles. He eventually became convinced they were conspiring against him and trying to make him "seem crazy." When that seemed to run its course, they were trying to kill him and "messing" with his medication. Even with all that they didn't want to move him to memory care or a nursing facility because they couldn't picture him not living in the house they grew up in. Don't do that. In the end I was left begging them to get him help because the police would repeatedly find him wandering and confused. My dad/uncles thought they were helping but all they were doing was robbing him of dignity in his final years. He and they suffered until he eventually very specifically threatened the life of my dad in front of a police officer. My grandfather going to a specialized facility was the best thing that happened for him and them in his final months. Please consider this when you're thinking about the situation with your mom. She can't help it now and needs you to be practical and deliberate to get her the care she needs.
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Anonymous
| You don't need a snappy comeback. Get her an appointment with her doctor to talk about this issue and see if she's ok. |
Anonymous
Other posters are right, it sounds like a cognitive issue. You can't reason with her, all you can do is acknowledge and redirect It's hard and frustrating and ishe'll likely keep coming back to it. And all you do again is acknowledge and redirect. It's a frustrating circle but is what it is. |
Anonymous
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I agree with everyone except the person who said is will progress quickly. Might, might not. My mom has been in the hostile and slightly paranoid stage for a loooooong time. If that is the case you can try to set boundaries. You first try to set limits with her and help her move on, but it may just turn into protecting yourself and figuring out how much time with her you can handle and in what settings. Sometimes you can find ways to redirect, sometimes you can't.
I would let her doctor know your concerns. Meds can often help with the anger, if she is willing to take them. It's an awful road for some of us. I am the target of my mother's wrath and verbal boundaries only sometimes work. I have needed to step back more and more and make sure professionals are aware of concerns. We also have a geriatric social worker who assessed level of independence and need on a regular basis, but she tends to turn it on/showboat for her. I hope your road is different than mine. I can't believe I ever had a peaceful and easy relationship with my mother. |
Anonymous
This. Along with the overwhelming chorus here, drop the *being irked* scenario - which is not going to help - and get some medical advice. |
Anonymous
I disagree with the stop being irked. Having been at this for years, you have a right to feel frustrated and at a loss. Feel irked. It's normal! It's tough. I would read these forums and think you get the magic neurologist fairy to help and voila-things are better. They aren't. It can be a massive ordeal getting the loved on to the doctor and getting the doctor to take it seriously if the person can still hold it together and pass the screen. Even when you have a diagnosis, it's hard to get the person to comply with mood meds and things decline, there are no good meds for cognitive. I have dealt with so many outbursts and accusations. I hate it! I hate hearing it's the disease where in some cases it really is just a worsening of behavior that was already there and even when it isn't that and instead it's a major change in personality, it sucks and you miss the person you knew. There are so many videos with tips from experts online and it was so helpful and comforting for a while and frankly after enough years those videos just annoy me. Who wants to be treated this way? Keep us posted OP. |