Close friend thinks her DD walks on water and... reality is different...

[Anonymous]

I would encourage your daughter to pull away and if the other mom asks about it, tell her the truth, in as nice of a way as possible. There’s really no nice way to start a conversation about how her daughter is a bully, but if she ever brings up social struggles or whatever, I would bring up what you have personally witnessed.

I would 100% want to know if one of my kids was acting like this and I would hope that I would take it well and not let it impact my friendship with whoever told me. But in reality I know it’s a dicey situation…

[Anonymous]

OP, agree with others that probably not much value in you "warning" your friend about her daughter. Very unlikely to lead to a positive outcome.
What you absolutely SHOULD do, however, is honor your child's choice to pull away from this girl. You should be glad your kid doesn't want to associate with a person that treats other people that way.
You say that you have concerns because "any pulling away will be noticeable." Well, then so be it, but it you should still completely back your daughter up on that. Yes, that will mean disruptions. Maybe no more carpools or changes to social engagements. That's fine. It's perfectly natural for kids' friendships to evolve or dissipate as they age, even if there isn't bad behavior on the part of one kid. You don't have to make a big deal about it with your friend, just that they are drifting into other interests. When this kind of thing happens, the adult friendship either continues, but now with adult-only outings, or... it doesn't. But you don't make it your kid's responsibility to preserve your friendships.

[Anonymous]

All kids should be seen as special by their parents.

That doesn't mean that parents should be blind to their faults, but I think that disabusing a parent of the notion that their kid is special doesn't have any value.

It doesn't mean that you have to agree when your friend talks about how special their kid is, but you don't have to take it upon yourself to set her right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your first and only mistake was making friends with your kid's friends. Why do people in the DMV do this? Make your own friends outside of your kids. Save plenty of heartaches down the line.

Can I get an AMEN!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your first and only mistake was making friends with your kid's friends. Why do people in the DMV do this? Make your own friends outside of your kids. Save plenty of heartaches down the line.

Can I get an AMEN!!!

No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:long story short stay out of it, MYOB.

If you personally see something you could say something but only if you think it is something that is unsafe like drinking and driving.

Your daughter is not a reliable narrator. I don't care what other people/parents say.

Stop gossiping about other kids even if it is a close friend.

This is her journey don't interfere.

You won't admit this, but you secretly hope her daughter fails for whatever reason, and you are giddy to let her know her daughter is not perfect. You need to do some self-analysis to understand why you feel this way.

Honestly, I think there is probably some truth to this. With that said, your daughter does not have to socialize much with this girl since you and your friend can get together without the kids in tow. If there is a carpool situation or a family party, then you need to make sure that your child is polite and inclusive. That is all.

[Anonymous]

You choose your daughter over the friend as many times as you need to.

You can try to maintain your friendship with the other mom, but leave you daughter out of the equation. She's not able to come when you get together, allow her to do other things if they come over etc.

[Anonymous]

In my years as a middle and high school teacher, I don't recall even one of my 'special' (extraordinarily kind, well liked, etc) students having parents who were boastful about them. Obviously I don't know if they were boasting to their friends but at conferences, conversations etc they were always humble and it was clear why their children were the way they were.

On the other hand, I had children who were really noticeably unkind - and frankly a lot of kids are a little unkind in 7th grade so you have to be pretty bad to stand out- and some of those parents were so conceited and thought their kids hung the moon.

I would seriously reconsider a close friendship with that type of person, I think it reflects very poorly on their character. I most certainly would not force any interaction between my child and the friend's child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You choose your daughter over the friend as many times as you need to.

You can try to maintain your friendship with the other mom, but leave you daughter out of the equation. She's not able to come when you get together, allow her to do other things if they come over etc.

+1

I was never close friends with my DD's friends parents when she was growing up. We'd talk, invite each other to larger gatherings like cookouts and holiday parties but my loyalty is always to my kids and you never know when those friendships may sour leaving you in an awkward situation.

As it happens, I am now very good friends with my DD's best friends mom... we see each other weekly. BUT our kids are in college. Even if our DDs fell out a little, I know we'd still be friends because it is not revolving around the girls.

[Anonymous]

Your friend loves her child unconditionally and is always willing to see the best in her. There is a lesson here for [most] parents of teens.

[Anonymous]

I suspect that OP’s daughter isn’t doing as well socially or academically as the other kid and that OP is jealous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your friend loves her child unconditionally and is always willing to see the best in her. There is a lesson here for [most] parents of teens.

Be blind to your child's bullying?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You choose your daughter over the friend as many times as you need to.

You can try to maintain your friendship with the other mom, but leave you daughter out of the equation. She's not able to come when you get together, allow her to do other things if they come over etc.

+1

I was never close friends with my DD's friends parents when she was growing up. We'd talk, invite each other to larger gatherings like cookouts and holiday parties but my loyalty is always to my kids and you never know when those friendships may sour leaving you in an awkward situation.

As it happens, I am now very good friends with my DD's best friends mom... we see each other weekly. BUT our kids are in college. Even if our DDs fell out a little, I know we'd still be friends because it is not revolving around the girls.

Oh I want to ad, this goes for boyfriends when they get to that age. I have seen way too many moms befriend not only the BF but his entire family and it becomes VERY messy. I am friendly towards my kids significant others but that is all, because until they are officially a member of the family by marriage or baby or whatever their grown up life situation is, that is her relationship not mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would encourage your daughter to pull away and if the other mom asks about it, tell her the truth, in as nice of a way as possible. There’s really no nice way to start a conversation about how her daughter is a bully, but if she ever brings up social struggles or whatever, I would bring up what you have personally witnessed.

I would 100% want to know if one of my kids was acting like this and I would hope that I would take it well and not let it impact my friendship with whoever told me. But in reality I know it’s a dicey situation…

Same here. I would have no problem at all helping my child put some distance, even if it means declining the car pool whenever it's most appropriate (at the end of the activity) and reporting the things YOU have witnessed (not the things your daughter has witnessed). There are ways to say these things factually but without drama and judgement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my years as a middle and high school teacher, I don't recall even one of my 'special' (extraordinarily kind, well liked, etc) students having parents who were boastful about them. Obviously I don't know if they were boasting to their friends but at conferences, conversations etc they were always humble and it was clear why their children were the way they were.

On the other hand, I had children who were really noticeably unkind - and frankly a lot of kids are a little unkind in 7th grade so you have to be pretty bad to stand out- and some of those parents were so conceited and thought their kids hung the moon.

I would seriously reconsider a close friendship with that type of person, I think it reflects very poorly on their character. I most certainly would not force any interaction between my child and the friend's child.

I don't understand this comment. How often were you socializing with the parents of your students? 10 minutes at parent-teacher conferences? Which usually only happen in those years for kids struggling with the class? I have a MSer and a HSer and I've spent very little time with their teachers. I tend to think my experience is fairly standard.