Close friend thinks her DD walks on water and... reality is different...

[Anonymous]

My best friend and I have been close since our DDs were in nursery school.
The girls are now in 7th grade.
I love my friend, but ...
Ugh just need to vent here.
She often boasts about her daughter: How smart she is, how teachers say she's gifted, how she's such a popular, kind friend and a "special" kid. This is her go-to phrase: "She's such a special kid."
My DD is still friends with her, but mainly because of our friendship and our proximity (for instance, carpooling etc).

My DD has told me that this girl is a bully. She is mean to other kids. She is disruptive in class. I have witnessed in first hand when driving places -- this girl badmouths other girls in the car, is impolite, once even called a girl fat in the carpool which I called out on the spot. Meanwhile, I truly believe that my friend thinks her child walks on water. For a while, it was just something I'd ignore.

But last week, my DD came home to tell me that other DD "smashed" a girl into a locker for some kind of grievance. My DD no longer wants to be her friend and is really tired of her Queen Bee stuff. However, any sort of pulling away would be noticeable. I also wonder, ethically, if I should give my friend a wake-up call abut her child...but this is also not my place, right? I don't want to start something. But if the roles were reversed, I would want someone to tell me the truth about my child.

I believe my DD is a reliable narrator because I have witnessed some of this behavior myself. Other parents have also mentioned this child (DH was once a coach on a team and a parent requested that this child not be placed with hers due to teasing, etc).

Anyone BTDT? Do I just stay quiet and let my kid pull away? Also, why do parents boast about their mean kids?!?!

[Anonymous]

Your first and only mistake was making friends with your kid's friends. Why do people in the DMV do this? Make your own friends outside of your kids. Save plenty of heartaches down the line.

[Anonymous]

long story short stay out of it, MYOB.

If you personally see something you could say something but only if you think it is something that is unsafe like drinking and driving.

Your daughter is not a reliable narrator. I don't care what other people/parents say.

Stop gossiping about other kids even if it is a close friend.

This is her journey don't interfere.

You won't admit this, but you secretly hope her daughter fails for whatever reason, and you are giddy to let her know her daughter is not perfect. You need to do some self-analysis to understand why you feel this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your first and only mistake was making friends with your kid's friends. Why do people in the DMV do this? Make your own friends outside of your kids. Save plenty of heartaches down the line.

I genuinely like her. It wasn't like I strategically tried to forge some kind of fake relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your first and only mistake was making friends with your kid's friends. Why do people in the DMV do this? Make your own friends outside of your kids. Save plenty of heartaches down the line.

You sound insane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:long story short stay out of it, MYOB.

If you personally see something you could say something but only if you think it is something that is unsafe like drinking and driving.

Your daughter is not a reliable narrator. I don't care what other people/parents say.

Stop gossiping about other kids even if it is a close friend.

This is her journey don't interfere.

You won't admit this, but you secretly hope her daughter fails for whatever reason, and you are giddy to let her know her daughter is not perfect. You need to do some self-analysis to understand why you feel this way.

I think you may need to do some self-analysis to consider your presumptuous, overly generalized post that assumes poor intent for no apparent reason, TBH.

[Anonymous]

Not your place, just let it go. And this will get worse in high school. I'd continue to play ignorant.

[Anonymous]

The mother won't believe you.

I was neighbors with a woman that literally said her child was perfect. At 7 years old her child bit mine, to the point of drawing blood & full set of teeth marks. Only the two kids, no others around, family members watching. The fathers were with the kids, the biter's aunt was there, neither mother there. The mother did not believe 2 adults, my child, the blood, or the teeth marks. Her child denied it, mother planned to call venue to see if they had cameras to prove her child's innocence. (No one was making a big deal about it.) she only believed it when her child admitted it hours later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:long story short stay out of it, MYOB.

If you personally see something you could say something but only if you think it is something that is unsafe like drinking and driving.

Your daughter is not a reliable narrator. I don't care what other people/parents say.

Stop gossiping about other kids even if it is a close friend.

This is her journey don't interfere.

You won't admit this, but you secretly hope her daughter fails for whatever reason, and you are giddy to let her know her daughter is not perfect. You need to do some self-analysis to understand why you feel this way.

I think you may need to do some self-analysis to consider your presumptuous, overly generalized post that assumes poor intent for no apparent reason, TBH.

The lady doth protest too much.

[Anonymous]

If this kid did in fact smash another into a locker, the school would have done something about it. Otherwise, stay out of it, other than protecting your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The mother won't believe you.

I was neighbors with a woman that literally said her child was perfect. At 7 years old her child bit mine, to the point of drawing blood & full set of teeth marks. Only the two kids, no others around, family members watching. The fathers were with the kids, the biter's aunt was there, neither mother there. The mother did not believe 2 adults, my child, the blood, or the teeth marks. Her child denied it, mother planned to call venue to see if they had cameras to prove her child's innocence. (No one was making a big deal about it.) she only believed it when her child admitted it hours later.

and now that child is in jail and murdered people?

[Anonymous]

I had to end a friendship over something similar. I just couldn’t listen to my friend talk about her perfect daughter anymore when I knew first-hand that she was a terrible bully.

[Anonymous]

Of course you let your daughter pull away! By 7th grade kids should absolutely be making their own friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The mother won't believe you.

I was neighbors with a woman that literally said her child was perfect. At 7 years old her child bit mine, to the point of drawing blood & full set of teeth marks. Only the two kids, no others around, family members watching. The fathers were with the kids, the biter's aunt was there, neither mother there. The mother did not believe 2 adults, my child, the blood, or the teeth marks. Her child denied it, mother planned to call venue to see if they had cameras to prove her child's innocence. (No one was making a big deal about it.) she only believed it when her child admitted it hours later.

Should say, bigger deal was being made about the kid lying. We all knew the biting was out of character and that kids can misbehave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your first and only mistake was making friends with your kid's friends. Why do people in the DMV do this? Make your own friends outside of your kids. Save plenty of heartaches down the line.

This advice is fine for parents of teens who are meeting those parents for the first time, solely through their kids.

For parents of babies, preschoolers, etc., it's absurd. It's also not a DC-area phenomenon.

OP, you'll need to separate your friendship with the mom from your DD's relationship with this girl. How does your DD want to interact with her? If she wants to pull away, let her - do NOT force a friendship because you and her mom are friends.

With respect to your friend, the mom, I wouldn't say anything unless she asks. And if she does, I'd be honest about what I witnessed only, nothing secondhand. It may cost you the friendship, but better that than lying.

I'm going through a softer version of this dynamic with the mom of one of my DD's friends. In this case, the mom finds it easier to bury her head in the sand about who her kid is. Many parents do. It's hard to realize your kid is mean (beyond typical variations in kid behavior) because that forces you to wonder why.