Close friend thinks her DD walks on water and... reality is different...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your friend loves her child unconditionally and is always willing to see the best in her. There is a lesson here for [most] parents of teens.

Be blind to your child's bullying?

Who says the mother is blind? Do you expect the mother to denigrate the daughter in front of OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All kids should be seen as special by their parents.

That doesn't mean that parents should be blind to their faults, but I think that disabusing a parent of the notion that their kid is special doesn't have any value.

It doesn't mean that you have to agree when your friend talks about how special their kid is, but you don't have to take it upon yourself to set her right.

I agree that it is a great gift to a child that the adults in their lives believe they are special. To them they are. But I understand what OP is saying.

I have a friend who has 3 kids. From when one of them was a toddler my friend would always - always - say how special she is. Not as much with her other kids. But with the one the mother almost could not mention that child without commenting how special she is. Over and over for years. It is not the worst thing in the world but it gets old pretty quick. In my mind I played a form of a drinking game as a way to diffuse my frustration. This friend would bring up her one child, predictably comment on how special Larla was and in my mind I'd say "drink"!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your friend loves her child unconditionally and is always willing to see the best in her. There is a lesson here for [most] parents of teens.

Be blind to your child's bullying?

I actually feel like the lesson is kind of the opposite. People on this board are so quick to trash others' kids as "bullies" and "bad" when they are imperfect. She is a middle schooler, she gossips and makes mistakes, that doesn't mean she isn't special or kind or all the things her mother sees in her, as well.

God forbid the rest of us get judged as good or people based on how we acted a few times in 7th grade

[Anonymous]

Your DD does not need to stay friends with the other girl. If your friend asks what’s up, just say that the girls are drifting apart as is common at this age. If you want to stay friends with the other mom, don’t report to her what your DD says. If she acts up in front of you during carpool, you could gently report that in a text under the guise of asking if the girl is ok “because she said X in the car,” which I know aren’t your values. Then leave it alone.

[Anonymous]

Private school OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your friend loves her child unconditionally and is always willing to see the best in her. There is a lesson here for [most] parents of teens.

Be blind to your child's bullying?

I actually feel like the lesson is kind of the opposite. People on this board are so quick to trash others' kids as "bullies" and "bad" when they are imperfect. She is a middle schooler, she gossips and makes mistakes, that doesn't mean she isn't special or kind or all the things her mother sees in her, as well.

God forbid the rest of us get judged as good or people based on how we acted a few times in 7th grade

So true. Boys and girls make serious mistakes in middle school. Throw 4 elementary schools together and have them go thru puberty. It is completely overwhelming. Hormones, anxiety, bodies changing, braces, acne, everyone cares what everyone else thinks of them.

Yes, some have more meanness than others, but I am always quick to tell my kids the ones that are reacting are the ones with the most internal issues. Better to ignore

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your friend loves her child unconditionally and is always willing to see the best in her. There is a lesson here for [most] parents of teens.

Be blind to your child's bullying?

I actually feel like the lesson is kind of the opposite. People on this board are so quick to trash others' kids as "bullies" and "bad" when they are imperfect. She is a middle schooler, she gossips and makes mistakes, that doesn't mean she isn't special or kind or all the things her mother sees in her, as well.

God forbid the rest of us get judged as good or people based on how we acted a few times in 7th grade

I agree with the bolded, however, I also never slammed someone into a locker - or anything remotely close - as a 7th grader. Gossiping, meh, calling another kid in the carpool "fat," not okay.

The bigger issue is that the OP's DD doesn't want to be friends with this girl anymore; OP should support her in that, however uncomfortable it is with the girl's mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my years as a middle and high school teacher, I don't recall even one of my 'special' (extraordinarily kind, well liked, etc) students having parents who were boastful about them. Obviously I don't know if they were boasting to their friends but at conferences, conversations etc they were always humble and it was clear why their children were the way they were.

On the other hand, I had children who were really noticeably unkind - and frankly a lot of kids are a little unkind in 7th grade so you have to be pretty bad to stand out- and some of those parents were so conceited and thought their kids hung the moon.

I would seriously reconsider a close friendship with that type of person, I think it reflects very poorly on their character. I most certainly would not force any interaction between my child and the friend's child.

I don't understand this comment. How often were you socializing with the parents of your students? 10 minutes at parent-teacher conferences? Which usually only happen in those years for kids struggling with the class? I have a MSer and a HSer and I've spent very little time with their teachers. I tend to think my experience is fairly standard.

Yes, if your children do not fall into the special or troublemaker categories it is likely you won't have reason to speak with their teachers very much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your first and only mistake was making friends with your kid's friends. Why do people in the DMV do this? Make your own friends outside of your kids. Save plenty of heartaches down the line.

I genuinely like her. It wasn't like I strategically tried to forge some kind of fake relationship.

It doesn't matter. Make friends outside of your kid's circle of friends.

[Anonymous]

You be supportive of your own DD. You let her drift away from your friend's DD. You stop carpooling. If your friend asks why, explain that the girls have grown apart and have different tastes. If she pushes, you can say that your DD no longer likes the way her DD behaves. She won't believe you, but that's not your problem. Your problem is to support your own child and allow her to distance herself from a bully and queen bee who is mean and physically violent towards other peers. Stand up for yourself and your child. Avoid the topic unless your friend pushes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your friend loves her child unconditionally and is always willing to see the best in her. There is a lesson here for [most] parents of teens.

Be blind to your child's bullying?

I actually feel like the lesson is kind of the opposite. People on this board are so quick to trash others' kids as "bullies" and "bad" when they are imperfect. She is a middle schooler, she gossips and makes mistakes, that doesn't mean she isn't special or kind or all the things her mother sees in her, as well.

God forbid the rest of us get judged as good or people based on how we acted a few times in 7th grade

I agree with the bolded, however, I also never slammed someone into a locker - or anything remotely close - as a 7th grader. Gossiping, meh, calling another kid in the carpool "fat," not okay.

The bigger issue is that the OP's DD doesn't want to be friends with this girl anymore; OP should support her in that, however uncomfortable it is with the girl's mother.

Yes, absolutely. Re-reading the OP, it is crazy that she asks if she should "let" her daughter pull away. It should be 100% her daughter's decision and if that means awkwardness with the mom, so be it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:long story short stay out of it, MYOB.

If you personally see something you could say something but only if you think it is something that is unsafe like drinking and driving.

Your daughter is not a reliable narrator. I don't care what other people/parents say.

Stop gossiping about other kids even if it is a close friend.

This is her journey don't interfere.

You won't admit this, but you secretly hope her daughter fails for whatever reason, and you are giddy to let her know her daughter is not perfect. You need to do some self-analysis to understand why you feel this way.

I think you may need to do some self-analysis to consider your presumptuous, overly generalized post that assumes poor intent for no apparent reason, TBH.

Well why else would you want to tell your friend that her daughter isn't all that? EVERY mom thinks their kid is special and wonderful. What purpose would it serve to tell this woman that you think her kid sucks? Other than to take her down a peg?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your friend loves her child unconditionally and is always willing to see the best in her. There is a lesson here for [most] parents of teens.

Be blind to your child's bullying?

I actually feel like the lesson is kind of the opposite. People on this board are so quick to trash others' kids as "bullies" and "bad" when they are imperfect. She is a middle schooler, she gossips and makes mistakes, that doesn't mean she isn't special or kind or all the things her mother sees in her, as well.

God forbid the rest of us get judged as good or people based on how we acted a few times in 7th grade

I agree with the bolded, however, I also never slammed someone into a locker - or anything remotely close - as a 7th grader. Gossiping, meh, calling another kid in the carpool "fat," not okay.

The bigger issue is that the OP's DD doesn't want to be friends with this girl anymore; OP should support her in that, however uncomfortable it is with the girl's mother.

I agree it's not ok but those are the years when kids are learning how to act. She may be trying to be funny and not understanding where the line is. I also think "slammed into a locker" could easily be an exaggeration. I'm not saying she's great or anything, but she's 13, and it's not like she's torturing puppies.

That said, it's great that OP's kid wants to distance herself and OP should definitely support it. But telling the mom that her kid is actually not special or smart or kind is NOT the way to do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your friend loves her child unconditionally and is always willing to see the best in her. There is a lesson here for [most] parents of teens.

Be blind to your child's bullying?

I actually feel like the lesson is kind of the opposite. People on this board are so quick to trash others' kids as "bullies" and "bad" when they are imperfect. She is a middle schooler, she gossips and makes mistakes, that doesn't mean she isn't special or kind or all the things her mother sees in her, as well.

God forbid the rest of us get judged as good or people based on how we acted a few times in 7th grade

I agree with the bolded, however, I also never slammed someone into a locker - or anything remotely close - as a 7th grader. Gossiping, meh, calling another kid in the carpool "fat," not okay.

The bigger issue is that the OP's DD doesn't want to be friends with this girl anymore; OP should support her in that, however uncomfortable it is with the girl's mother.

I agree it's not ok but those are the years when kids are learning how to act. She may be trying to be funny and not understanding where the line is. I also think "slammed into a locker" could easily be an exaggeration. I'm not saying she's great or anything, but she's 13, and it's not like she's torturing puppies.

That said, it's great that OP's kid wants to distance herself and OP should definitely support it. But telling the mom that her kid is actually not special or smart or kind is NOT the way to do this.

DP, I find OP to be an odd and unreliable narrator. According to her, she and her DH have witnessed all this meanness first hand --- and did nothing to put more space between their DD and this child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your friend loves her child unconditionally and is always willing to see the best in her. There is a lesson here for [most] parents of teens.

Be blind to your child's bullying?

I actually feel like the lesson is kind of the opposite. People on this board are so quick to trash others' kids as "bullies" and "bad" when they are imperfect. She is a middle schooler, she gossips and makes mistakes, that doesn't mean she isn't special or kind or all the things her mother sees in her, as well.

God forbid the rest of us get judged as good or people based on how we acted a few times in 7th grade

I agree with the bolded, however, I also never slammed someone into a locker - or anything remotely close - as a 7th grader. Gossiping, meh, calling another kid in the carpool "fat," not okay.

The bigger issue is that the OP's DD doesn't want to be friends with this girl anymore; OP should support her in that, however uncomfortable it is with the girl's mother.

I agree it's not ok but those are the years when kids are learning how to act. She may be trying to be funny and not understanding where the line is. I also think "slammed into a locker" could easily be an exaggeration. I'm not saying she's great or anything, but she's 13, and it's not like she's torturing puppies.

That said, it's great that OP's kid wants to distance herself and OP should definitely support it. But telling the mom that her kid is actually not special or smart or kind is NOT the way to do this.

Sure. I didn't say the OP should trash the kid. Really, the only thing that matters is supporting her kid.

That said, I do understand a PP's perspective that the OP wants to disabuse her friend of her idealism of her kid. I have to fight the urge to roll my eyes sometimes when a friend goes on about her kid "never has anything bad to say about anybody" - since I've seen her kid do the exact opposite. So, I understand the OP's urge, even if she needs to resist it.