Husband name calling baby

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well if your DH grew up in a worse environment, then your own DC isn't going to be ruined either. Maybe tell your DH how he looks and sounds saying that to a baby -- like an idiot -- instead of focusing on how he's harming a child who is being hugged and has no idea what the words his father says actually mean.

I disagree, and would say obviously her DH experienced some trauma that he hasn’t worked through. The way he’s expressing it is very damaging. What I do agree with is talking to DH and asking him to think of himself as a baby being called an idiot. How does that make him feel?

[Anonymous]

Did he behave like this before the baby? Does he do it other times, or only when interacting with the baby?

[Anonymous]

This is a very bad habit that needs to be broken NOW.

[Anonymous]

I had a similar but less severe issue with my DH. When DD was a baby he did tell at her once or twice and I told him I didn't like it. He wasn't super receptive in the moment but it did not happen again during that time. Now DD is 3 yo and she can be pretty difficult sometimes. DH was getting into the habit of yelling to try to get her to comply and was more frequently losing his temper with her and would start yelling at her over and over.

I recently told him that if he treated me remotely like he treated our daughter, I would not be married to him. I also said the amount of yelling is not normal or okay. He really took that to heart, read about the impact of yelling on children and has changed his approach completely. I was really afraid I would have to find a way to get him away from her, but I feel very hopeful now.

So I agree with PPs that this will likely get worse as your baby gets older. People can change, but what concerns me is that your DH is so resistant to change. It may be stress - stress of the baby getting hurt, stress on your marriage from bringing a baby into your life - but of course, it is not okay. I hope that you are able to find a way to talk to him when you are both calm so that he will really hear you. Listen to your gut - if you really think he can't get better, then I definitely think you are justified in talking to an attorney about your options.

[Anonymous]

Read the book good inside as someone suggested- get DH to read it too or read passages to him. Give him so much praise and leeway in his good moments with baby to ensure he knows that you see how hard he tries and how much he does (it can be nauseating bc as a mom we deal with SO much more but they need extra hand holding). And when time feels right again, sit him down and in the most supportive way, let him know that while you love how amazing/trying etc he is, it increasingly you are concerned as this is not the environment you want baby raised in and now is the time when habits with baby form, so fixing this 1-3+ years from now is not going to work. Now is the time to correct it. And do this all lovingly, set a plan for how to change this together (loving reminders whenever he does it? Mindfulness courses? Meta thinking skill building eg thinking about how we think and rewiring our responses by conscious effort)

I’m a bit sleep deprived so don’t know if the above makes sense but I was basically your husband (and still am but so much better). I continue working on myself with the support of my partner who understands my upbringing, and therefore where this terrible behavior comes from, very well.

[Anonymous]

Sometime when everything is calm, talk to your husband about the fact that toddlers understand what we’re saying before they can talk, and they can understand tone. He’s talking to your baby like he’s thinks he’s talking to a lower life form that can’t understand what he’s saying. There are multiple issues with this.

1) You don’t want your son to internalize dad’s seemingly negative opinion of him and have poor self esteem

2) He’s modeling poor behavior for your son

3) You don’t want your son to talk to other people this way — and if your dh doesn’t knock it off, son will mimic it because that’s what little kids do

4) You don’t want frequent yelling and insults to affect how son feels about dh and impact their relationship negatively

5) Dh’s tactics are very hurtful to you because you do understand exactly what he’s saying about an innocent baby. Ask dh to think about how he’d feel if he slipped on ice and hurt himself and your response was to call him an effing idiot.

6) Now is the time to work on this impulse because your son will soon be bigger, faster, stronger and more cunning than he is now, but he’s still got years ahead of him until he has decent judgment. He will be taking bigger risks and getting himself into more trouble. Your dh needs to develop better coping strategies as a parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did he behave like this before the baby? Does he do it other times, or only when interacting with the baby?

This is very important to know.

[Anonymous]

what tone is he using when he calls the kid an idiot? that's very important.

I sometimes joke with my kids about this when I'll look at the dog and in a very happy, excited voice, say something like "You are really one stupid, dumb dog, aren't you? Yes you are! Yes you are! Who's a dumb dog?"

[Anonymous]

Divorce. He needs therapy and parenting classes. He's traumatized from his own childhood and needs therapy to get over it. It's worrying that he doesn't recognize the trauma from his childhood and doesn't want to do better for his kids. This is emotional abuse and likely will become physical abuse too.

I discipline my kids a lot, but an 8 month old?! They're no where near the stage of disciplining and to call an 8 month old an effing idiot is just cruel.

[Anonymous]

Is this you, OP? Seems like things aren’t getting better.
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1061082.page

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This will get worse. Babies are stressful but are just learning, making mistakes as the explore their world. it breaks my heart what he’s doing to your child. It’s a form of abuse. He needs help NOW. I am fearful for how this will escalate once your child gets a little older and tests boundaries.

+1
Wait until they're toddlers, preschoolers, elem aged, ++....if he's annoyed now, he will surely lose it during the more difficult stages. Kids do have not forward thinking abilities, don't have the reasoning or logic developed yet, body/self control takes years, etc...so it will be a long road ahead if an 8 mo old is pissing him off.

+2. Babies are probably the easiest stage.

[Anonymous]

OP what happens if you have some kind of an emergency and dad has to take care of the baby for days without help?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This will get worse. Babies are stressful but are just learning, making mistakes as the explore their world. it breaks my heart what he’s doing to your child. It’s a form of abuse. He needs help NOW. I am fearful for how this will escalate once your child gets a little older and tests boundaries.

+1
Wait until they're toddlers, preschoolers, elem aged, ++....if he's annoyed now, he will surely lose it during the more difficult stages. Kids do have not forward thinking abilities, don't have the reasoning or logic developed yet, body/self control takes years, etc...so it will be a long road ahead if an 8 mo old is pissing him off.

+2. Babies are probably the easiest stage.

+3 even toddlers can be annoying but I can't imagine this reaction to an infant

[Anonymous]

People are saying divorce, but leaves the baby alone with DH for an entire weekend. If this is stress-induced, that will only make it worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People are saying divorce, but leaves the baby alone with DH for an entire weekend. If this is stress-induced, that will only make it worse.

Men like this don’t WANT custody.