Husband name calling baby

[Anonymous]

Basically just looking for validation that I am not crazy. DH has had issues regulating his emotions since our son was born. There has been many instances that he has been so frustrated with our son that he has had shown 0 composure and has just defaulted to what he knows best which is cursing and name calling. Over the past 8 months there has been at least 10 instances of name calling

Babies are stressful. But, I am finding it nearly impossible to have any empathy for my husband. He has demonstrated such a short fuse and inability to handle stress. Basically if my son does something that causes him to hurt himself my husband just calls him an idiot. For example, he has started to crawl and he is able to lift himself up by climbing on something,and occasionally he falls. He tries to climb on everything and inevitably falls. When he falls and cries my husband calls him an idiot while giving him a hug. My husband immediately apologizes and says he just blurts it out without thinking but I am growing increasingly concerned that this is his default during stressful situations. It is not in a living way but his tone comes of frustrated since he always uses the word to say “effing” idiot.

Even worse, he gaslights me telling me I am over reacting that this is “damaging” our son. Not surprising my husband grew up in a household where yelling and name calling was the norm. He tells me that I am not appreciative enough and don’t recognize the work he has done in this area. My husband refuses to go to therapy and wants to work on it “on his own time.” I’m at a loss for what to do. I’m more disgusted my husband doesn’t see anything wrong with calling a baby an idiot. He is only trying to make it better because it makes me so upset

[Anonymous]

Parenting class? Take it together, not just DH.

[Anonymous]

OP: You are not crazy.

Your husband's words are the equivalent of verbal abuse of a toddler.

Does your husband hold a full-time job ? If so, I cannot imagine what it would be. Serious maturity issue is my best guess to explain your husband's abusive behavior toward your infant.

[Anonymous]

Remove your child from this environment immediately. File for divorce.

[Anonymous]

Please draw a line in the sand. This is not acceptable behavior. Either he begins counseling with you that leads to treatment for anxiety or anger or whatever, or the marriage is over. This is something to end the marriage over.

[Anonymous]

He needs to understand the milestones and age appropriate behavior.

Also, how much can you do to be pre-emptive so to avoid these triggering scenarios. Perhaps a more baby proofed crawling area for baby, for example?

[Anonymous]

I agree with others that you need to tell him that you won’t live like this and counseling and parenting classes are not an option. PEP classes may be a place to start. This is not ok and will only get worse as baby becomes a toddler and gets even more frustrating. I’m so sorry op! Generational patterns are really really hard to break, but the first step is him wanting to change it and actually agreeing it’s a problem. I think you have to put your foot down.

[Anonymous]

Can you clarify if it’s just words like idiot or tone/yelling/impatience too? I don’t think calling a bruised toddler “idiot” in a loving tone while cuddling them is anywhere near abuse. But yelling and/or treating the child like he would an “idiot” is totally different story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you clarify if it’s just words like idiot or tone/yelling/impatience too? I don’t think calling a bruised toddler “idiot” in a loving tone while cuddling them is anywhere near abuse. But yelling and/or treating the child like he would an “idiot” is totally different story.

Sorry reread OP to see that you say it’s not in a loving way. Yeah, you’re not crazy. Good luck to both of you; I hope your DH can work through things soon to grow into a truly good parent.

[Anonymous]

This will get worse. Babies are stressful but are just learning, making mistakes as the explore their world. it breaks my heart what he’s doing to your child. It’s a form of abuse. He needs help NOW. I am fearful for how this will escalate once your child gets a little older and tests boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Set up a nanny cam. You really need evidence to see what happens when you are not around.

This can also be helpful if you ever need to file for divorce.

Your child over protecting the image of a marriage. This does NOT get better. Do not rationalize this or minimize the damage caused to your kid.

[Anonymous]

Please read Becky Kennedys “Good Inside“to understand how important connection is in parenting. It is a fantastic book for any parent, but will open your eyes to why the situation you’re describing is so damaging.

[Anonymous]

Well if your DH grew up in a worse environment, then your own DC isn't going to be ruined either. Maybe tell your DH how he looks and sounds saying that to a baby -- like an idiot -- instead of focusing on how he's harming a child who is being hugged and has no idea what the words his father says actually mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This will get worse. Babies are stressful but are just learning, making mistakes as the explore their world. it breaks my heart what he’s doing to your child. It’s a form of abuse. He needs help NOW. I am fearful for how this will escalate once your child gets a little older and tests boundaries.

+1
Wait until they're toddlers, preschoolers, elem aged, ++....if he's annoyed now, he will surely lose it during the more difficult stages. Kids do have not forward thinking abilities, don't have the reasoning or logic developed yet, body/self control takes years, etc...so it will be a long road ahead if an 8 mo old is pissing him off.

[Anonymous]

divorce.