Parenting when one spouse travels?

[Anonymous]

They are older (10, 12) so there is no “putting them to bed”.

My kids are in high school and college and I would go into their rooms at 9 p.m. when they were 10 and 12 and say that 9:30 is lights out. You have to get up in the morning for school. It's time to go to bed. We are a family of extreme night owls, so it was hard.

I would put my pajamas and get into bed by 9:30, too. I would say "goodnight!" and turn out the light. I might surf my phone in bed in the dark, but it was lights out for us all. I did it with them. That helped. And I got more sleep, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is DH busy time of year and he is gone 5-6 days a week on-site at different locations. It’s been going on since late-September and thankfully we are in the home stretch; he will be done before Thanksgiving. This is nothing new to me but for whatever reason I am having a really hard time this cycle. Maybe it’s because our kids are older? Seems counterintuitive and I can’t explain it, but it’s like their needs are easier yet somehow “more”. I WFH and actually have a lot of quiet breaks throughout my day, but I still find my evenings exhausting. I’m tired emotionally and physically by the end of the day. I find that I DO spend a lot of energy giving the kids extra attention in their dad’s absence, so this could be part of it.

They are older (10, 12) so there is no “putting them to bed”. They’ll head to their rooms at 9:30, but they are awake in there and will come out for water or the bathroom. I don’t know how it would be different in this aspect if DH were here, but it just stands out to me.

I guess my question is, what are some small ways you parent differently or ways you find to relax yourself, to make things easier?

Honestly you are just spoiled and don’t have the stamina necessary for doing it alone. Practice makes perfect, just do it without whining and you will hopefully be more trained. It’s like any sport, you know?

[Anonymous]

Love to see moms supporting moms! Bravo, DCUM! Yet again another thread where everyone thinks their own struggles are a flex! Bravo for having the hardest time! You win!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, am I understanding that the issue is that you have to "on" all the time? Like any time a stressful situation with middle school comes up (and oh do they come up) you need to be ready to deal with and diffuse tween angst? And since the kids are up late, you don't feel like there's any "after bedtime" relaxation?

Yes! This is OP and it’s absolutely this!

I’m not trying to undermine or discredit single parents or those who have been there/done that, but like I said for whatever reason it’s hitting me hard this time around. Thank you for your understanding!

OP, I'm the PP, and I'm a single parent with two young kids. I get it; it's really hard. If you can manage it, I highly recommend taking a day or a half day of PTO from work one day when your husband is out of town just so you can get 4-6 hours of uninterrupted me time. Just like to take a bath or read a book without being on edge waiting for someone to need something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:See if you can plan a sleepover for them at a friend's house. You might let down your guard a little better if they're actually away.

What? You can't take care of your kids so you send them to my house? No thank you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ agree. NP here. At 10 & 12 they should be self sufficient.

They are self sufficient, I think it’s just the emotional needs and the drain on me doing it all by myself.

If they are self sufficient then why are their emotional needs so draining? All by yourself for a couple of weeks and you can't handle this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Love to see moms supporting moms! Bravo, DCUM! Yet again another thread where everyone thinks their own struggles are a flex! Bravo for having the hardest time! You win!

Come on! OP's children are self sufficient but she can't handle their emotional needs. What has she been doing the last ten years! Many women do it all by themselves without incessant whining.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP, I'm in a similar boat; my spouse travels internationally from time to time, I work from home and my kids are 10 + 12. Right now he's on a 3 week stretch. I agree the emotional needs are higher at this age.

Since I spend a lot of time talking with them about their days/feelings, I make life easier for me in all other respects - I do Instacart; I make super easy pasta dinners, I let them read or do hw while eating dinner (not what I usually permit). But I am super strict about sleep on weekdays. I don't nag about screen time if hw /practices are done. Weekends we don't do much but sports and movies while folding laundry.

Try to make the physical easier so you have more energy for the emotional.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes life just feels hard, even when it isn't that you have it harder than anyone else. Glad to hear you are in the homestretch and I hope you feel more rested and refreshed after your DH is able to be home more. Maybe plan a day or weekend away to visit family or friends...just because you can and to reset away from being the parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Love to see moms supporting moms! Bravo, DCUM! Yet again another thread where everyone thinks their own struggles are a flex! Bravo for having the hardest time! You win!

Come on! OP's children are self sufficient but she can't handle their emotional needs. What has she been doing the last ten years! Many women do it all by themselves without incessant whining.

NP -

Come on. Plenty of tweens, especially right now, face challenging social/emotional situations that require parental guidance. The OP isn't talking about the grunt work of little kids; it's the emotional support that's the issue here. Yes, it's a lot to handle on your own for months at a stretch. Frankly, when I hear parents of tweens brag about how little their kids need them, I figure the kids know their parents either can't handle or don't care about helping them with the social/emotional stuff, so they don't tell them.

[Anonymous]

DH has traveled from the start of our marriage. I do find it harder now the kids are older to manage things on my own. As the saying goes, little kids little problems, big kids big problems. I also know I am older now and have different struggles personally, which make it slightly more difficult. All that being said, I do love my alone time with the kids. We let things go a little bit more around the house and have more fun dinners.

I do insist that everyone is upstairs by a certain time and lights out or a certain time, even now in HS. I usually go to my room by 10:00. I also get up an hour earlier than anyone else for my own downtime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Love to see moms supporting moms! Bravo, DCUM! Yet again another thread where everyone thinks their own struggles are a flex! Bravo for having the hardest time! You win!

Come on! OP's children are self sufficient but she can't handle their emotional needs. What has she been doing the last ten years! Many women do it all by themselves without incessant whining.

NP -

Come on. Plenty of tweens, especially right now, face challenging social/emotional situations that require parental guidance. The OP isn't talking about the grunt work of little kids; it's the emotional support that's the issue here. Yes, it's a lot to handle on your own for months at a stretch. Frankly, when I hear parents of tweens brag about how little their kids need them, I figure the kids know their parents either can't handle or don't care about helping them with the social/emotional stuff, so they don't tell them.

Couldn't agree more. Of course all kids are easy if you put technology in front to them and ignore them. Unfortunately alot of parents do this and claim kids are self sufficient because they can use the bathroom and make a sandwich. If you are actively parenting it can be emotionally draining on your own at this age maybe less physically draining but if your kids still need you.

[Anonymous]

So many awful responses OP. Yes, it’s exhausting, yes you’re entitled to be burned out etc. If there’s a way for you to get some help, then I’d find some. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Love to see moms supporting moms! Bravo, DCUM! Yet again another thread where everyone thinks their own struggles are a flex! Bravo for having the hardest time! You win!

Come on! OP's children are self sufficient but she can't handle their emotional needs. What has she been doing the last ten years! Many women do it all by themselves without incessant whining.

NP -

Come on. Plenty of tweens, especially right now, face challenging social/emotional situations that require parental guidance. The OP isn't talking about the grunt work of little kids; it's the emotional support that's the issue here. Yes, it's a lot to handle on your own for months at a stretch. Frankly, when I hear parents of tweens brag about how little their kids need them, I figure the kids know their parents either can't handle or don't care about helping them with the social/emotional stuff, so they don't tell them.

Or the kids have become independent and un-helicoptered and thus less needy. At 10 and 12 there shouldn't be an emotional crisis on a weekly basis that needs handholding.

I get that single parenting is tough. My wife and I have both had periods where we travel for work. And for a series of weeks in a row, it can be tough. But at that age, it shouldn't devolve into an emotional crisis for a parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is DH busy time of year and he is gone 5-6 days a week on-site at different locations. It’s been going on since late-September and thankfully we are in the home stretch; he will be done before Thanksgiving. This is nothing new to me but for whatever reason I am having a really hard time this cycle. Maybe it’s because our kids are older? Seems counterintuitive and I can’t explain it, but it’s like their needs are easier yet somehow “more”. I WFH and actually have a lot of quiet breaks throughout my day, but I still find my evenings exhausting. I’m tired emotionally and physically by the end of the day. I find that I DO spend a lot of energy giving the kids extra attention in their dad’s absence, so this could be part of it.

They are older (10, 12) so there is no “putting them to bed”. They’ll head to their rooms at 9:30, but they are awake in there and will come out for water or the bathroom. I don’t know how it would be different in this aspect if DH were here, but it just stands out to me.

I guess my question is, what are some small ways you parent differently or ways you find to relax yourself, to make things easier?

?

You cannot take care of two children age 10 and 12? U.N.B.E.F.F.I.N.G.L.I.E.V.A.B.L.E!!!!!!! How did American women become so lazy and helpless