Parenting when one spouse travels?

[Anonymous]

This is DH busy time of year and he is gone 5-6 days a week on-site at different locations. It’s been going on since late-September and thankfully we are in the home stretch; he will be done before Thanksgiving. This is nothing new to me but for whatever reason I am having a really hard time this cycle. Maybe it’s because our kids are older? Seems counterintuitive and I can’t explain it, but it’s like their needs are easier yet somehow “more”. I WFH and actually have a lot of quiet breaks throughout my day, but I still find my evenings exhausting. I’m tired emotionally and physically by the end of the day. I find that I DO spend a lot of energy giving the kids extra attention in their dad’s absence, so this could be part of it.

They are older (10, 12) so there is no “putting them to bed”. They’ll head to their rooms at 9:30, but they are awake in there and will come out for water or the bathroom. I don’t know how it would be different in this aspect if DH were here, but it just stands out to me.

I guess my question is, what are some small ways you parent differently or ways you find to relax yourself, to make things easier?

[Anonymous]

See if you can plan a sleepover for them at a friend's house. You might let down your guard a little better if they're actually away.

[Anonymous]

When my husband travels my is goal simple dinners, clean up and TV. I also do more fun things that all three of us would look forward to that maybe my husband doesn’t like. It just makes the time feel like less work.

[Anonymous]

It's hard to understand exactly what the actual problem is. At 10 and 12 the kids could be making dinner! Are you just worried about something that hasn't happened? What do your kids actually need that's giving you a hard time?

[Anonymous]

^ agree. NP here. At 10 & 12 they should be self sufficient.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ agree. NP here. At 10 & 12 they should be self sufficient.

They are self sufficient, I think it’s just the emotional needs and the drain on me doing it all by myself.

[Anonymous]

You could give each child a special night each week to spend some one-on-one time with you. I'm a single mom and this has helped my kids. They know their "night" and I'm open to talking, watching a movie, cuddling in bed, etc.

[Anonymous]

FWIW, as a person whose dad also traveled a LOT when I was a kid, don't kill yourself trying to give them too much attention. Kids that age should indeed be getting pretty self-sufficient and they also have each other to rely on, it doesn't all have to come from Mom. It's ok to take it easy and let things slide a bit, you don't have to try to be perfect and to be everything to everyone, truly.

[Anonymous]

Take a few days off work if you can and rest or do something for yourself while they are at school to triage and recover. Also take one day off to catch up on house stuff. This way you won’t try to do so much in intended rest day. Agree with the suggestion of a sleepover for one or both kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ agree. NP here. At 10 & 12 they should be self sufficient.

They are self sufficient, I think it’s just the emotional needs and the drain on me doing it all by myself.

But what exactly are you doing that is draining you? Is it driving them around after school? Having to listen to them talk to you after school?

[Anonymous]

Use some of the extra money he should be making by hiring a sitter. I don't understand this since you have the house to yourself all day and your kids don't need hand holding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ agree. NP here. At 10 & 12 they should be self sufficient.

They are self sufficient, I think it’s just the emotional needs and the drain on me doing it all by myself.

Doing what? Your kids can do their own laundry, help with cleaning, help with dinner, etc. I've done this for 17 yrs by myself and the only time I felt drained was with a newborn and I never got more than 3 hrs of sleep at a time. Are you getting enough sleep?

[Anonymous]

I am confused OP what is the issue?

My DH traveled more than he was home when my kids were growing up.

He went from full time travel to wfh OMG this was way before covid but again omg LOL. That was way harder.

I didn't mind his traveling it made me so independent. This was before cell phones.

At your kids ages not sure what the issue is.

[Anonymous]

OP, am I understanding that the issue is that you have to "on" all the time? Like any time a stressful situation with middle school comes up (and oh do they come up) you need to be ready to deal with and diffuse tween angst? And since the kids are up late, you don't feel like there's any "after bedtime" relaxation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, am I understanding that the issue is that you have to "on" all the time? Like any time a stressful situation with middle school comes up (and oh do they come up) you need to be ready to deal with and diffuse tween angst? And since the kids are up late, you don't feel like there's any "after bedtime" relaxation?

Yes! This is OP and it’s absolutely this!

I’m not trying to undermine or discredit single parents or those who have been there/done that, but like I said for whatever reason it’s hitting me hard this time around. Thank you for your understanding!