Post College Dating for women - Is it always a nightmare?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For online dating, she needs to be crystal clear that she is looking for a relationship. That should at least help to diminish the matches who are looking for hookups.

In the social scene, she needs to know that women are now expected to make the first move. Men have been told over and over that women are not generally receptive to being approached, so the script has flipped.

+1

So now it's almost impossible for people to meet organically. So no more meeting cute at the grocery store, or at work, or whatever.

I met my DH at work. I was approached everywhere. The mall, Costco, etc. I never felt like men were demanding my time or attention. They found me attractive and wanted to date/hookup/get to know me better/whatever. I politely said no thank you, or yes, here is my number and went on my way. That has almost disappeared at this point.

No, it hasn't. My dd gets approached all the time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For online dating, she needs to be crystal clear that she is looking for a relationship. That should at least help to diminish the matches who are looking for hookups.

In the social scene, she needs to know that women are now expected to make the first move. Men have been told over and over that women are not generally receptive to being approached, so the script has flipped.

+1
She really needs to screen hard when dating online so she doesn't waste too much time/energy. American women tend to be very abrasive and cold, especially when interacting with strangers. And guys don't want to date anyone at work in this day and age. So yeah, it's online dating or meet people via hobbies, volunteering, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For online dating, she needs to be crystal clear that she is looking for a relationship. That should at least help to diminish the matches who are looking for hookups.

In the social scene, she needs to know that women are now expected to make the first move. Men have been told over and over that women are not generally receptive to being approached, so the script has flipped.

+1
She really needs to screen hard when dating online so she doesn't waste too much time/energy. American women tend to be very abrasive and cold, especially when interacting with strangers. And guys don't want to date anyone at work in this day and age. So yeah, it's online dating or meet people via hobbies, volunteering, etc.

I don't know about that. I've managed large groups of fresh out of school 20-somethings in consulting and there were many relationships (and a TON of hookups...) amongst them.

[Anonymous]

OP here - I was really hesitant to post something so personal about my DC but this is a lot of good information - a lot has changed - I really appreciate the perspectives offered here and I feel this is the tip of the iceberg in this 2020s dating world....our daughters and sons are somewhat empowering themselves but is is way more competitive and complicated...oi!

[Anonymous]

If she's going on that many dates and they never go past the first date, that's a sign it could be her, not all those men she's met.

Some women tend to have a really long list of "must-haves" and they disqualify a man if he doesn't meet 100% of them. Men tend to not be as picky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she's going on that many dates and they never go past the first date, that's a sign it could be her, not all those men she's met.

Some women tend to have a really long list of "must-haves" and they disqualify a man if he doesn't meet 100% of them. Men tend to not be as picky.

I can see how you may make that judgment under other circumstances -but her dating history is young and new - less than a month - so I'm going to stand up for her that she's young and knows what she wants and I'm old and trying to catch up and that's the gist of it. If this is the case 5 years from now yes - she's a PITA. LOL!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For online dating, she needs to be crystal clear that she is looking for a relationship. That should at least help to diminish the matches who are looking for hookups.

In the social scene, she needs to know that women are now expected to make the first move. Men have been told over and over that women are not generally receptive to being approached, so the script has flipped.

+1

So now it's almost impossible for people to meet organically. So no more meeting cute at the grocery store, or at work, or whatever.

I met my DH at work. I was approached everywhere. The mall, Costco, etc. I never felt like men were demanding my time or attention. They found me attractive and wanted to date/hookup/get to know me better/whatever. I politely said no thank you, or yes, here is my number and went on my way. That has almost disappeared at this point.

This just happened to my DD in Montgomery Mall this summer. The guy behind her on line in the food court started chatting her up and asked for her number.

That made me nervous, just like online dating does. They are all strangers. But I guess everyone starts off that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD recently moved to a big city. She's sweet, beautiful, accomplished, landed a great job, has a great group of friends, but has never had a long-term serious BF. Finally, she decided she really wants one and I'm listening to her stories about online dating and feel so old and out of it - and honestly it seems a little scary too. She's matching with quite a few, but after one short date she's like nope and moves on Is this really the only way people meet others these days? I'm doing my best to be supportive but the whole process sounds pretty brutal - how can you be so judgmental after just one date? I love my husband dearly, but when we met 30 years ago it wasn't love at first sight - it was a whole process. Don't people meet at bars and parties anymore? Is speed dating even a thing anymore? So many questions lol! This is a new adult child-area for me and she vents to me and in my mind I'm sometimes thinking WTF this seems so strange. I'm just looking for others perspectives and trying to educate myself a bit even if I just continue being a good listener.

Judging by younger family members' experiences, dating is now easier than ever. They go online & arrange to meet at a public place--usually a restaurant.

Easy to meet highly educated, successful young professionals.

OP: Your daughter is picky & judgmental, but that is okay. Is there a need for immediate results ?

[Anonymous]

I think I went out with 50 guys in DC in my 20s before meeting DH. While we had similar interests, he never would have asked me out in real life. The dating apps are unfortunately the easiest way to meet.

[Anonymous]

Plus, the current system of online dating seems much better & safer than drunken bar hook-ups with a random stranger where everything is based on looks and urges.

[Anonymous]

Tell her to try churches in her city, and look for active young professional groups there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD recently moved to a big city. She's sweet, beautiful, accomplished, landed a great job, has a great group of friends, but has never had a long-term serious BF. Finally, she decided she really wants one and I'm listening to her stories about online dating and feel so old and out of it - and honestly it seems a little scary too. She's matching with quite a few, but after one short date she's like nope and moves on Is this really the only way people meet others these days? I'm doing my best to be supportive but the whole process sounds pretty brutal - how can you be so judgmental after just one date? I love my husband dearly, but when we met 30 years ago it wasn't love at first sight - it was a whole process. Don't people meet at bars and parties anymore? Is speed dating even a thing anymore? So many questions lol! This is a new adult child-area for me and she vents to me and in my mind I'm sometimes thinking WTF this seems so strange. I'm just looking for others perspectives and trying to educate myself a bit even if I just continue being a good listener.

Judging by younger family members' experiences, dating is now easier than ever. They go online & arrange to meet at a public place--usually a restaurant.

Easy to meet highly educated, successful young professionals.

OP: Your daughter is picky & judgmental, but that is okay. Is there a need for immediate results ?

Our DD’s online experiences are closer to OP’s. The same holds true for most of her friends. The majority of the guys online seem to be looking for hook ups. Her best dating experiences have come from friends of friends, coworkers of friends, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Plus, the current system of online dating seems much better & safer than drunken bar hook-ups with a random stranger where everything is based on looks and urges.

It's still almost all based on looks. If you don't have good pics/don't photograph well, you are going to do poorly on the sites.

[Anonymous]

My DD did not date in HS. I encouraged her to date extensively in college, but date only college students.

She does not like 'Greek life', so she was not into the drinking and hooking up culture. However, she is also traditionally attractive, well put together and a warm person.

She dated a lot and got asked out a lot. She was not on any online app, and she was asked out by the boys that she knew. So, she said 'yes' to every coffee request and every 'lets go to this event in college together' request, and she also played match-maker a lot. She has a huge friend's group and gets along with most people. She also likes to organize events and she includes everyone.

She is sensible, always went to crowded college events for the first date, always had her own friends mingled in the crowd, and always paid her share of the date. She never turned any guy down and she so at the end of the date (even if it did not work out) she had at least made a friend. By always choosing an event to do and by paying her own share of the date, none of her date felt used by her. So there was never any ill-will.

After college, she has kept up with many of the same friends group and in fact has increased her friend circle. She also has introduced many of her non-college friends to her college friends. She is very social and has met people organically. She is not on any dating apps and she does not post on social media. (She does e-stalk any person she meets. She could totally become a personal social media consultant because she does tsk-tsk what people post and how it looks).

My DS? I worry about him because he is somewhat shy and will not take the initiative to be social.

[Anonymous]

I'm probably a bit older than your DD, but I met my fiancee on line. Here is some general advice I'd give a younger person:

1) Be explicit, even blunt, about what you want. There were lots of men who said on their profile that they were looking for a relationship, but then would suggest a first date "watching netflix at their apartment". I would straight up tell them "I am not looking for a hookup". Honestly, a lot would unmatch me then haha, but no hard feelings, better not to waste either of our time.

2) First dates should be drinks/coffee only - that way you have an easy out if you're not feeling the person, they're rude, etc. Definitely don't do dinner.

3) (This may be a bit unpopular) but my strategy was that I'd go on a second and even third date with someone if the conversation was good, they were friendly and polite, there were no obvious deal breakers (e.g., I want to marry someone of XYZ religion and they talked about how devoted they were to a different one), and I generally had a good time: even if I didn't immediately feel "chemistry" or a romantic connection. Attraction and romantic feelings can grow, and if you think about it, that's often what happens when you meet someone in real life.

4) Set up dates after a few days of chatting on the apps - don't let things drag on for weeks.