Question about estrangement

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - to answer some of the questions. We’ve been married for 19 years. I think there is more to it. My husband can be bossy but I just call him out and other than that he’s a loving, dedicated and patient dad and husband. His sister, on the other hand, loves to brag and has never been interested in anything we are doing. His dad pasted away a year ago so it’s just his mom. While he was sick they both worked nicely.

I do “want to call this something” but maybe estrangement is not the word.

My therapist says I’ve come into this dynamic but it has nothing to do with me.

As I said before, my DH has just decided to accept the way it is. He doesn’t want to talk to her about it because he doesn’t think it will go anywhere. I though about asking myself but I want to respect my husbands wishes. I’m the part when I thought he’s been “bossy” I’ve had him smooth things over. But his sister never picks up the slack on the other side - working toward a relationship.

Not being snarky at all, but you could try liking her a little bit and see if that helps things warm up a bit. You've said nothing nice about her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to accept it. You have rigid ideas about how family should be. If your husband is fine with it, let it go. Every family is different. You prefer the way yours is. Accept there will be no closeness or warm fuzzies and savor the closeness you have with people other than the inlaws.

OP here. I think you’re right. I think my therapist was trying to me. I tend to overanalyze - I just need to convince my brain of this!

I am the person you are responding too. I think others are being too harsh with you. It's good you realize you are over-analyzing and I do think that is the right word. A lot of life is accepting things you cannot change and you cannot change this so focus on the good things-the people you truly enjoy.

My family is like your husbands, but they expect more get-togethers and they expect everyone to fake closeness in lots of photos. It's all so performative and fake and at family weddings or anytime someone new is brought in they expect an academy award performance. I would be thrilled to see them less and not have a fake photo shoot.[/quote

OP here - thank you

[Anonymous]

OP, I could have written this. DH and I have been married for almost 25 years and we're in the same situation. His 2 sisters just aren't interested in us. They know nothing about me except the basics.

The reason they know little about us is that they're self-centred. They never made an effort to get to know me. I've made efforts over the last 25 years but they weren't reciprocated. It's draining and demoralizing and it feels like you're hitting your head against a brick wall.

They do expect us to be interested in their lives though ... and they call us out when we're 'ignoring' them on social media!


We're all in our 50s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I could have written this. DH and I have been married for almost 25 years and we're in the same situation. His 2 sisters just aren't interested in us. They know nothing about me except the basics.

The reason they know little about us is that they're self-centred. They never made an effort to get to know me. I've made efforts over the last 25 years but they weren't reciprocated. It's draining and demoralizing and it feels like you're hitting your head against a brick wall.

They do expect us to be interested in their lives though ... and they call us out when we're 'ignoring' them on social media!


We're all in our 50s.

By the way, my husband is the same as yours. He doesn't want to talk to his sisters about it. He says he doesn't know what to do about it.
I sometimes feel very unhappy about all of this.

[Anonymous]

We and the rest of the family are estranged from one of DH's sisters. There would be no question of ever doing a holiday together, so I don't think this is estrangement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I could have written this. DH and I have been married for almost 25 years and we're in the same situation. His 2 sisters just aren't interested in us. They know nothing about me except the basics.

The reason they know little about us is that they're self-centred. They never made an effort to get to know me. I've made efforts over the last 25 years but they weren't reciprocated. It's draining and demoralizing and it feels like you're hitting your head against a brick wall.

They do expect us to be interested in their lives though ... and they call us out when we're 'ignoring' them on social media!


We're all in our 50s.

By the way, my husband is the same as yours. He doesn't want to talk to his sisters about it. He says he doesn't know what to do about it.
I sometimes feel very unhappy about all of this.

Don't. People who are wrapped up in themselves rarely unfold. They will never change. You should be happy that you haven't had to waste your precious time on people who don't give a single crap about you! I would strongly suggest getting off social media and resist any urge to respond to them whatsoever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I could have written this. DH and I have been married for almost 25 years and we're in the same situation. His 2 sisters just aren't interested in us. They know nothing about me except the basics.

The reason they know little about us is that they're self-centred. They never made an effort to get to know me. I've made efforts over the last 25 years but they weren't reciprocated. It's draining and demoralizing and it feels like you're hitting your head against a brick wall.

They do expect us to be interested in their lives though ... and they call us out when we're 'ignoring' them on social media!

We're all in our 50s.

OP here - draining and demoralizing is so true

[Anonymous]

Genuinely curious, when OP says “there is nothing there” but they are getting together for holidays…. what could sister do or say that would make it more “ok?” When you get together are you all eating in silence? Or only your side the ones talking? Or looking for a hug hello and only get head nods. Your own family plays monopoly and DH side doesn’t? Or do they do all same thing as your family but you just feel different with them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I could have written this. DH and I have been married for almost 25 years and we're in the same situation. His 2 sisters just aren't interested in us. They know nothing about me except the basics.

The reason they know little about us is that they're self-centred. They never made an effort to get to know me. I've made efforts over the last 25 years but they weren't reciprocated. It's draining and demoralizing and it feels like you're hitting your head against a brick wall.

They do expect us to be interested in their lives though ... and they call us out when we're 'ignoring' them on social media!


We're all in our 50s.

By the way, my husband is the same as yours. He doesn't want to talk to his sisters about it. He says he doesn't know what to do about it.
I sometimes feel very unhappy about all of this.

Don't. People who are wrapped up in themselves rarely unfold. They will never change. You should be happy that you haven't had to waste your precious time on people who don't give a single crap about you! I would strongly suggest getting off social media and resist any urge to respond to them whatsoever.

I don't always respond to their posts. They always respond to each other's posts about their or their kids' achievements with emojis of hearts and smiley faces and clapping hands.
Whenever DH and I post something their response is often a one word reply, polite but not enthusiastic.

I actually try and avoid seeing them now, if I can get away with it. Every family gathering turns out to be a self promotional brag fest for both SILs and their spouses. It's cringeworthy sometimes.
I often end up thinking 'what am I doing here'?

[Anonymous]

There may be dynamics at play you know nothing about. My SIL could have written this, and I am sure she knows nothing about the abuse her DH perpetrated on me 30 years ago.

I’m not saying that’s what this is, but there could be all sorts of things underlying this that they don’t want to dig up for their own reasons, even if it’s just sibling rivalry that was never resolved or emotional disconnect in the family system that your DH worked through. Let sleeping dogs (that are not your own) lie. It’s not an issue unless it’s an issue for THEM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There may be dynamics at play you know nothing about. My SIL could have written this, and I am sure she knows nothing about the abuse her DH perpetrated on me 30 years ago.

I’m not saying that’s what this is, but there could be all sorts of things underlying this that they don’t want to dig up for their own reasons, even if it’s just sibling rivalry that was never resolved or emotional disconnect in the family system that your DH worked through. Let sleeping dogs (that are not your own) lie. It’s not an issue unless it’s an issue for THEM.

It is possible but I doubt it. OP says that her SIL likes to brag. It sounds like it's SIL's personality that is the issue.

And even if the DH and the SIL have unresolved issues, why would SIL not want to form a bond with OP?
It's not OP's fault if there are dynamics at play from her husband's and his sister's past.

[Anonymous]

quote=Anonymous]My DH and his sister have never been close. We both live in the Washington, DC area. We never see eachother except holidays and that usually feels forced. We don't fight and there is no abuse. It just seems like there is nothing there. We have tried several times over the years and to no fruition. They just aren't interested. Are they estranged - I'm not sure.

My in-laws are nice but emotionally not there. My DH thinks this is root of it all.

This bothers me - I don't know why. There are moms at my kids schools who I am not friends with and it doesn't bother me.

I've talked to my therapist about this lately because the holidays are right around the corner. DH says I just need to except this is the way it is. We've done nothing wrong.

My question, then is, do we just stop doing these forced holidays?

The only choice before you and DH is whether to stop doing the holidays because it feels forced. You should be aware that doing so will disrupt the status quo and invite questions or conversations about the distance. Therefore only your DH should decide whether to stop interacting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - to answer some of the questions. We’ve been married for 19 years. I think there is more to it. My husband can be bossy but I just call him out and other than that he’s a loving, dedicated and patient dad and husband. His sister, on the other hand, loves to brag and has never been interested in anything we are doing. His dad pasted away a year ago so it’s just his mom. While he was sick they both worked nicely.

I do “want to call this something” but maybe estrangement is not the word.

My therapist says I’ve come into this dynamic but it has nothing to do with me.

As I said before, my DH has just decided to accept the way it is. He doesn’t want to talk to her about it because he doesn’t think it will go anywhere. I though about asking myself but I want to respect my husbands wishes. I’m the part when I thought he’s been “bossy” I’ve had him smooth things over. But his sister never picks up the slack on the other side - working toward a relationship.

You provide the positive traits of your husband an do not do the same for his sister, just outline negatives. Also « bossy » can be code for authoritarian, single mindedness, and not pleasant to be around for those with a growth mindset. I would say maybe you SIL should stay away from both of you.