Question about estrangement
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
My DH and his sister have never been close. We both live in the Washington, DC area. We never see eachother except holidays and that usually feels forced. We don't fight and there is no abuse. It just seems like there is nothing there. We have tried several times over the years and to no fruition. They just aren't interested. Are they estranged - I'm not sure.
My in-laws are nice but emotionally not there. My DH thinks this is root of it all. This bothers me - I don't know why. There are moms at my kids schools who I am not friends with and it doesn't bother me. I've talked to my therapist about this lately because the holidays are right around the corner. DH says I just need to except this is the way it is. We've done nothing wrong. My question, then is, do we just stop doing these forced holidays? |
Anonymous
Does DH want to keep doing holidays with his sister? This isn't your decision to do, although you have a say. i think you are unhappy with DH's family dynamics, but is he unhappy, or just fine the way it is? Sounds like maybe he is also confused about it, but how old are you and how many years of marriage? The dynamics change over time, and maybe there hasn't been enough time to tell. The basis seems to be: you are spending holidays with a person who is not close and doesn't seem to want to be close. What would happen if you told her your feelings? Such as, "We wish we felt closer to you. Is there something you are holding back?" Also, examine your own family dynamics to see if you are replaying something that is more about you than them. |
Anonymous
| And FYI estrangement is when one or both parties decide they are not in each other's lives anymore, not speaking. Estranged people don't do holidays together. |
Anonymous
| Why so worked up about the definition? Would it make you feel better to have a label for it? |
Anonymous
| When his parents die. |
Anonymous
| There is more to this. I don’t see my parents or sibling often as they are terrible to me and enough became enough. |
Anonymous
| You need to accept it. You have rigid ideas about how family should be. If your husband is fine with it, let it go. Every family is different. You prefer the way yours is. Accept there will be no closeness or warm fuzzies and savor the closeness you have with people other than the inlaws. |
Anonymous
|
OP here - to answer some of the questions. We’ve been married for 19 years. I think there is more to it. My husband can be bossy but I just call him out and other than that he’s a loving, dedicated and patient dad and husband. His sister, on the other hand, loves to brag and has never been interested in anything we are doing. His dad pasted away a year ago so it’s just his mom. While he was sick they both worked nicely.
I do “want to call this something” but maybe estrangement is not the word. My therapist says I’ve come into this dynamic but it has nothing to do with me. As I said before, my DH has just decided to accept the way it is. He doesn’t want to talk to her about it because he doesn’t think it will go anywhere. I though about asking myself but I want to respect my husbands wishes. I’m the part when I thought he’s been “bossy” I’ve had him smooth things over. But his sister never picks up the slack on the other side - working toward a relationship. |
Anonymous
OP here. I think you’re right. I think my therapist was trying to me. I tend to overanalyze - I just need to convince my brain of this! |
Anonymous
|
Who all has the mental disorders OP?
If it’s the mom and sister it is healthy and fine to set boundaries and limit time. |
Anonymous
Lol, don't flatter yourself by saying you "tend to overanalyze." You're being meddlesome, and that's that. |
Anonymous
| Sometimes people don’t feel like they have much in common or click with you. It can be that simple and doesn’t have to mean more than that. |
Anonymous
| OP, the fact that your husband and his sister are OK with this and you are literally in therapy over it is your clue to calm TF down and stay out of it. The world does not need to be how you personally think it should be. Grow up. |
Anonymous
I am the person you are responding too. I think others are being too harsh with you. It's good you realize you are over-analyzing and I do think that is the right word. A lot of life is accepting things you cannot change and you cannot change this so focus on the good things-the people you truly enjoy. My family is like your husbands, but they expect more get-togethers and they expect everyone to fake closeness in lots of photos. It's all so performative and fake and at family weddings or anytime someone new is brought in they expect an academy award performance. I would be thrilled to see them less and not have a fake photo shoot. |
Anonymous
+1 |