Son doesn't want to hang out with friend, feel guilty and awkward

[Anonymous]

OP this is very normal for this age. Kids mature at different rates, and it sounds like your son is at a different stage than his friends. You could perhaps try framing it as a normal developmental stage that happens rather than something personal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Jesus effing Christ. Why do parents these days get involved in all their kids shit. Tell her your son has the freedom to choose whoever he wants to hang out with it and it is none of your business who he hangs out with as long as he is not getting in with the wrong crowd. And then tell her to stop being a helicopter parent. I would be mortified if my Mom was talking to another kids Mom about us not hanging out.

Agree and here OP is thinking COVID has something to do with it. LOL.

[Anonymous]

When my DD was younger she was good friends with a daughter of one of my best friends. However that relationship between them really fizzled out. They actually ended up like oil and water. Myself and my friend could absolutely see that they just didn't mesh well together. They went cold turkey apart during covid and last year were able to start hanging out for short periods of time together (an hour or 2 once every 2ish months).

We both have since moved and the girls haven't chatted as much since, but their relationship didn't really impact ours at all. We still text at least once a week and are getting together in a few weeks.

[Anonymous]

Agree and here OP is thinking COVID has something to do with it. LOL

Um, since the person asked if COVID was "causing it to happen on a more delayed basis," I am assuming they think it would ordinarily happen sooner vs. not at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to tell your friend that you don't know what's going on with the kids and say nicely to her that your friendship with her is important to you and you want to leave the kids to sort things out themselves at their age. And then the two of you shouldn't talk about them. If she can't deal with that or keeps pushing it, you need to take a little space from her.
Been there.

Your son isn't doing anything wrong. This is normal stuff and he needs to figure it out and he doesn't have to stay as close friends with anyone just because your friends with the mom. And if he ditches his friends for a girlfriend or a new crowd and it doesn't work out, well he'll learn that important life lesson.

I agree with the PP don't feel awkward at all. These are normal things. I would not jump to saying to your friend that you want to "leave the kids to sort things out" unless she presses for more info. It's too dramatic from the get go. All you have to say is he is spending more time with his girlfriend. It is normal and fine for her to ask if things are OK. I would not make this more than it is yet. If she cannot accept that he is busy with a girlfriend and gets pushy then you let her know you value the friendship and you want him to make his own choices.

It's not though. It sends a clear message that the kids should in fact be sorting it out themselves. The mothers shouldn't be talking about it. Not doing anyone any favors by not being direct.

It's so snippy. Don't say that OP. I think the first response is best.

It doesn't need to be snippy. I'm not sure why the boys haven't been talking as much lately. I really value our friendship Sue and think it's best if we leave the kids to manage their friendship. Want to get together for coffee on Friday?

If the mom friend is the type who raises these things, she's not going to catch the clue bus until you tell her directly you don't want to get involved. You're just stalling a necessary conversation. OP shouldn't be saying it's about a girlfriend or not about a girlfriend as that invites further dialogue about the kids' friendship down the road.

Lol nobody talk like that irl.

[Anonymous]

because this boy's mother is one of my friends

Everyone has lived this Op. All you can say is that you don't know and that this is between the boys. It's understandable if she asks once or twice. No more. More and she's being unreasonable. The friendship between you, regardless of how much she asks about this, is unlikely to survive. A few friendships between Mothers in this situation survive but both will need to talk -entirely- about other things, not their boys.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like the mom of the son's friend is a good friend of OP's. In which case it's totally normal to discuss what is going on. Just because they discuss is doesn't mean they'll intervene. But they should be able to talk about it.

And I'm a little stuck on the idea that OP's kid is not spending time with formerly close friends because as an 8th grader he's spending time with his GF and her friends. I have an 8th grader. Neither he nor any of his friends (or other 8th graders I know through my friends) have GFs. So that aspect surprises me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like the mom of the son's friend is a good friend of OP's. In which case it's totally normal to discuss what is going on. Just because they discuss is doesn't mean they'll intervene. But they should be able to talk about it.

And I'm a little stuck on the idea that OP's kid is not spending time with formerly close friends because as an 8th grader he's spending time with his GF and her friends. I have an 8th grader. Neither he nor any of his friends (or other 8th graders I know through my friends) have GFs. So that aspect surprises me.

I read it as he’s not spending time because they don’t have things to talk about anymore. The GF happens to be the new group he is spending time with.

This is normal and happened to my son, minus the girl friend. He had long term friends that drifted in 8th then more in 9th. Interests change and they make new friends. Sometimes I heard my son talk about a kid again I hadn’t heard about since elementary school. Often it was new names of kids be met in middle and high school.

I have one friend who is a parent. She got a little pushy and around that time would talk about getting them together and I would shut it down by saying I’m leaving all plan making up to him now. And then change the subject. I didn’t need to meddle in the social lives of 14 year olds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like the mom of the son's friend is a good friend of OP's. In which case it's totally normal to discuss what is going on. Just because they discuss is doesn't mean they'll intervene. But they should be able to talk about it.

And I'm a little stuck on the idea that OP's kid is not spending time with formerly close friends because as an 8th grader he's spending time with his GF and her friends. I have an 8th grader. Neither he nor any of his friends (or other 8th graders I know through my friends) have GFs. So that aspect surprises me.

Lots of 8th graders are dating. Kids younger than that date.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to tell your friend that you don't know what's going on with the kids and say nicely to her that your friendship with her is important to you and you want to leave the kids to sort things out themselves at their age. And then the two of you shouldn't talk about them. If she can't deal with that or keeps pushing it, you need to take a little space from her.
Been there.

Your son isn't doing anything wrong. This is normal stuff and he needs to figure it out and he doesn't have to stay as close friends with anyone just because your friends with the mom. And if he ditches his friends for a girlfriend or a new crowd and it doesn't work out, well he'll learn that important life lesson.

+1

Part of growing up, OP. Let him.

[Anonymous]

And I'm a little stuck on the idea that OP's kid is not spending time with formerly close friends because as an 8th grader he's spending time with his GF and her friends. I have an 8th grader. Neither he nor any of his friends (or other 8th graders I know through my friends) have GFs. So that aspect surprises me.

OP here. They consider each other BF and GF, but they mostly seem to hang out and play sports or games together, or go to get burgers or Starbucks. Sometimes alone, sometimes in groups. I think that is pretty normal for 8th grade.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to tell your friend that you don't know what's going on with the kids and say nicely to her that your friendship with her is important to you and you want to leave the kids to sort things out themselves at their age. And then the two of you shouldn't talk about them. If she can't deal with that or keeps pushing it, you need to take a little space from her.
Been there.

Your son isn't doing anything wrong. This is normal stuff and he needs to figure it out and he doesn't have to stay as close friends with anyone just because your friends with the mom. And if he ditches his friends for a girlfriend or a new crowd and it doesn't work out, well he'll learn that important life lesson.

This is the way.

Please stay out of it. Parents inserting themselves really screws everything up and their kids end up unhappy.

[Anonymous]

"Yeah, he's been spending a lot of time lately with his girlfriend and her friends."

If she presses:

"I don't know. I've been letting him make his own decisions about who he hangs out with."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus effing Christ. Why do parents these days get involved in all their kids shit. Tell her your son has the freedom to choose whoever he wants to hang out with it and it is none of your business who he hangs out with as long as he is not getting in with the wrong crowd. And then tell her to stop being a helicopter parent. I would be mortified if my Mom was talking to another kids Mom about us not hanging out.

This goes on all the time when the parents are also close friends. Mom sees kid suffering and unhappy and she wants to fix it and meddles inappropriately. She just can't help herself.

+1 bummer that an 8th grader is dumping friends to hang out with gf and her friends (who apparently she did not dump). As your son was on the receiving end last year, surprised he would do this.

Didn’t you read the OP? Her son and his friend seem not to have much in common or anything to talk about. It’s ok to move on & expand friend circle! No need to feel guilty. Entirely normal. I would never tell my child they’re obligated to hang out without someone they don’t like. Best if the moms stay out of it.

[Anonymous]

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1086134.page#23511595

Is this the same OP?