Son doesn't want to hang out with friend, feel guilty and awkward

[Anonymous]

My son is an 8th grader, and this year has seemed to involve a lot of social upheaval for him. One of his best friends from last year ditched him, for reasons he can't ascertain. Now, he himself no longer wants to hang out with one of his other oldest friends. I've asked him why, and he says that he doesn't feel they have much to talk about, and that he asks the other kid questions about what's going on with him, but never gets reciprocation in the conversation. I don't disagree that this may be the case, based on my observations when they were at our place. However, I suspect there is likely an additional contributing factor - the fact that my son has started dating, and is more interested in hanging out with his girlfriend and her friends.

I feel horribly guilty, because this boy's mother is one of my friends. I don't know what to say about the situation. She has asked if something is wrong between the kids. There isn't any clear answer I can give. They are working on a group class project together at our place, and were civil and pleasant, but not super friendly.

What would you say to the mom in this situation?

Also, is 8th grade a typical year for social changes like this, or do you think it is COVID causing it to happen on a more delayed basis?

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't feel awkward at all. "He's spending a lot of time with his girlfriend lately." I would just point out to him that even in an actual marriage it's healthy for each person to have their own friends and interests so he should maintain his friendships. And then I'd let him deal with this however he wants.

[Anonymous]

You need to tell your friend that you don't know what's going on with the kids and say nicely to her that your friendship with her is important to you and you want to leave the kids to sort things out themselves at their age. And then the two of you shouldn't talk about them. If she can't deal with that or keeps pushing it, you need to take a little space from her.
Been there.

Your son isn't doing anything wrong. This is normal stuff and he needs to figure it out and he doesn't have to stay as close friends with anyone just because your friends with the mom. And if he ditches his friends for a girlfriend or a new crowd and it doesn't work out, well he'll learn that important life lesson.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to tell your friend that you don't know what's going on with the kids and say nicely to her that your friendship with her is important to you and you want to leave the kids to sort things out themselves at their age. And then the two of you shouldn't talk about them. If she can't deal with that or keeps pushing it, you need to take a little space from her.
Been there.

Your son isn't doing anything wrong. This is normal stuff and he needs to figure it out and he doesn't have to stay as close friends with anyone just because your friends with the mom. And if he ditches his friends for a girlfriend or a new crowd and it doesn't work out, well he'll learn that important life lesson.

I agree with the PP don't feel awkward at all. These are normal things. I would not jump to saying to your friend that you want to "leave the kids to sort things out" unless she presses for more info. It's too dramatic from the get go. All you have to say is he is spending more time with his girlfriend. It is normal and fine for her to ask if things are OK. I would not make this more than it is yet. If she cannot accept that he is busy with a girlfriend and gets pushy then you let her know you value the friendship and you want him to make his own choices.

[Anonymous]

Jesus effing Christ. Why do parents these days get involved in all their kids shit. Tell her your son has the freedom to choose whoever he wants to hang out with it and it is none of your business who he hangs out with as long as he is not getting in with the wrong crowd. And then tell her to stop being a helicopter parent. I would be mortified if my Mom was talking to another kids Mom about us not hanging out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Jesus effing Christ. Why do parents these days get involved in all their kids shit. Tell her your son has the freedom to choose whoever he wants to hang out with it and it is none of your business who he hangs out with as long as he is not getting in with the wrong crowd. And then tell her to stop being a helicopter parent. I would be mortified if my Mom was talking to another kids Mom about us not hanging out.

This goes on all the time when the parents are also close friends. Mom sees kid suffering and unhappy and she wants to fix it and meddles inappropriately. She just can't help herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to tell your friend that you don't know what's going on with the kids and say nicely to her that your friendship with her is important to you and you want to leave the kids to sort things out themselves at their age. And then the two of you shouldn't talk about them. If she can't deal with that or keeps pushing it, you need to take a little space from her.
Been there.

Your son isn't doing anything wrong. This is normal stuff and he needs to figure it out and he doesn't have to stay as close friends with anyone just because your friends with the mom. And if he ditches his friends for a girlfriend or a new crowd and it doesn't work out, well he'll learn that important life lesson.

I agree with the PP don't feel awkward at all. These are normal things. I would not jump to saying to your friend that you want to "leave the kids to sort things out" unless she presses for more info. It's too dramatic from the get go. All you have to say is he is spending more time with his girlfriend. It is normal and fine for her to ask if things are OK. I would not make this more than it is yet. If she cannot accept that he is busy with a girlfriend and gets pushy then you let her know you value the friendship and you want him to make his own choices.

It's not though. It sends a clear message that the kids should in fact be sorting it out themselves. The mothers shouldn't be talking about it. Not doing anyone any favors by not being direct.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to tell your friend that you don't know what's going on with the kids and say nicely to her that your friendship with her is important to you and you want to leave the kids to sort things out themselves at their age. And then the two of you shouldn't talk about them. If she can't deal with that or keeps pushing it, you need to take a little space from her.
Been there.

Your son isn't doing anything wrong. This is normal stuff and he needs to figure it out and he doesn't have to stay as close friends with anyone just because your friends with the mom. And if he ditches his friends for a girlfriend or a new crowd and it doesn't work out, well he'll learn that important life lesson.

I agree with the PP don't feel awkward at all. These are normal things. I would not jump to saying to your friend that you want to "leave the kids to sort things out" unless she presses for more info. It's too dramatic from the get go. All you have to say is he is spending more time with his girlfriend. It is normal and fine for her to ask if things are OK. I would not make this more than it is yet. If she cannot accept that he is busy with a girlfriend and gets pushy then you let her know you value the friendship and you want him to make his own choices.

It's not though. It sends a clear message that the kids should in fact be sorting it out themselves. The mothers shouldn't be talking about it. Not doing anyone any favors by not being direct.

It's so snippy. Don't say that OP. I think the first response is best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to tell your friend that you don't know what's going on with the kids and say nicely to her that your friendship with her is important to you and you want to leave the kids to sort things out themselves at their age. And then the two of you shouldn't talk about them. If she can't deal with that or keeps pushing it, you need to take a little space from her.
Been there.

Your son isn't doing anything wrong. This is normal stuff and he needs to figure it out and he doesn't have to stay as close friends with anyone just because your friends with the mom. And if he ditches his friends for a girlfriend or a new crowd and it doesn't work out, well he'll learn that important life lesson.

I agree with the PP don't feel awkward at all. These are normal things. I would not jump to saying to your friend that you want to "leave the kids to sort things out" unless she presses for more info. It's too dramatic from the get go. All you have to say is he is spending more time with his girlfriend. It is normal and fine for her to ask if things are OK. I would not make this more than it is yet. If she cannot accept that he is busy with a girlfriend and gets pushy then you let her know you value the friendship and you want him to make his own choices.

It's not though. It sends a clear message that the kids should in fact be sorting it out themselves. The mothers shouldn't be talking about it. Not doing anyone any favors by not being direct.

It's so snippy. Don't say that OP. I think the first response is best.

It doesn't need to be snippy. I'm not sure why the boys haven't been talking as much lately. I really value our friendship Sue and think it's best if we leave the kids to manage their friendship. Want to get together for coffee on Friday?

If the mom friend is the type who raises these things, she's not going to catch the clue bus until you tell her directly you don't want to get involved. You're just stalling a necessary conversation. OP shouldn't be saying it's about a girlfriend or not about a girlfriend as that invites further dialogue about the kids' friendship down the road.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus effing Christ. Why do parents these days get involved in all their kids shit. Tell her your son has the freedom to choose whoever he wants to hang out with it and it is none of your business who he hangs out with as long as he is not getting in with the wrong crowd. And then tell her to stop being a helicopter parent. I would be mortified if my Mom was talking to another kids Mom about us not hanging out.

This goes on all the time when the parents are also close friends. Mom sees kid suffering and unhappy and she wants to fix it and meddles inappropriately. She just can't help herself.

+1 bummer that an 8th grader is dumping friends to hang out with gf and her friends (who apparently she did not dump). As your son was on the receiving end last year, surprised he would do this.

[Anonymous]

Tell her your son has the freedom to choose whoever he wants to hang out with it and it is none of your business who he hangs out with as long as he is not getting in with the wrong crowd. And then tell her to stop being a helicopter parent.

Do not do this under any circumstances. Just say that your son hasn't mentioned anything being wrong, and change the subject.

[Anonymous]

I would say, that the kids are at the age where they have ups and downs and you don't want to get in the middle of it.

[Anonymous]

+1 bummer that an 8th grader is dumping friends to hang out with gf and her friends (who apparently she did not dump). As your son was on the receiving end last year, surprised he would do this.

Friendships change, and he's not obligated to hang out with the kid if he doesn't enjoy spending time with him as much as he used to - however, he shouldn't be a jerk about it. It sounds like the girlfriend was just one factor in the demise of the friendship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't feel awkward at all. "He's spending a lot of time with his girlfriend lately." I would just point out to him that even in an actual marriage it's healthy for each person to have their own friends and interests so he should maintain his friendships. And then I'd let him deal with this however he wants.

I agree with OP although I would not encourage th he girlfriend thing too much. Too young in my opinion.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't feel awkward at all. "He's spending a lot of time with his girlfriend lately." I would just point out to him that even in an actual marriage it's healthy for each person to have their own friends and interests so he should maintain his friendships. And then I'd let him deal with this however he wants.


I agree with OP although I would not encourage th he girlfriend thing too much. Too young in my opinion.

How can you either encourage or discourage it? Would you prohibit the kids from hanging out?