Mad at son - would you incentive better behavior with bribes?

[Anonymous]

My son is about to turn 14 in November, and is in 8th grade. He has recently become interested in a girl, and she is showing interest back. All well and good. However, I just found out that he has been ditching his best friend and leaving him to eat alone in order to eat lunch with this girl at her table. The table is already filled with girls, so only my son can squeeze in (and it is uncomfortable at that).

I have tried talking to him about treating his friend well, but all he can see is this girl. Would you offer a bribe (e.g., additional electronics time, money) to sit with his friend most days (like 3/5)? Or is that crazy?

[Anonymous]

I feel bad for the friend, but your son is about to learn a valuable life lesson. When the girl loses interest, his friend will have moved on.

[Anonymous]

First of all, how would you even know if he was sitting with his friend at lunch?

Secondly, time to land the helicopter, Mom, and let him navigate this.

Thirdly, he'll learn his lesson when the girl spurns his interest and his best friend has found someone new to eat lunch with.

[Anonymous]

Omg land the helicopter please, friend. Let your teen navigate their friendships on their own.

[Anonymous]

Yes that would be crazy. I might encourage him to find other time for his friend..but a romantic interest always trumps the guys at that age. The BF probably knows that.

[Anonymous]

First of all, how would you even know if he was sitting with his friend at lunch?

We talk about a lot - his dad passed away two years ago, and it is just the two of us. We're very close. I do respect the opinions that I need to let him navigate this on his own, and will consider them strongly.

It just makes me upset because a different friend did this to my son last year, and he was so angry and hurt. It doesn't make sense that he is now doing it to someone else, especially a kid that our family has known and cared about for years now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

First of all, how would you even know if he was sitting with his friend at lunch?

We talk about a lot - his dad passed away two years ago, and it is just the two of us. We're very close. I do respect the opinions that I need to let him navigate this on his own, and will consider them strongly.

It just makes me upset because a different friend did this to my son last year, and he was so angry and hurt. It doesn't make sense that he is now doing it to someone else, especially a kid that our family has known and cared about for years now.

DP. Your last line stuck out for me. It’s important to separate how you feel about the other kid from how your son may feel. I understand why you are upset that your son would do this to a friend, but I think there also needs to be room in your thinking for the idea that your son’s friendships may change over time, separate and apart from how you feel about those friends. Maybe this kid really is still his best friend and he’s being a bit of a jerk, or maybe the friendship is fading a bit as they get older.

[Anonymous]

but I think there also needs to be room in your thinking for the idea that your son’s friendships may change over time, separate and apart from how you feel about those friends. Maybe this kid really is still his best friend and he’s being a bit of a jerk, or maybe the friendship is fading a bit as they get older.

I agree, that makes sense to me. Their interests are diverging some. I wish that my son could find a more graceful way to dial back the friendship, but that might be expecting a lot from a 14 year old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

First of all, how would you even know if he was sitting with his friend at lunch?

We talk about a lot - his dad passed away two years ago, and it is just the two of us. We're very close. I do respect the opinions that I need to let him navigate this on his own, and will consider them strongly.

It just makes me upset because a different friend did this to my son last year, and he was so angry and hurt. It doesn't make sense that he is now doing it to someone else, especially a kid that our family has known and cared about for years now.

Kids, especially boys in the throes of puberty, don't make sense. Perhaps try sitting down with him and try to highlight how his friend might be feeling, and how you son felt when this happened to him.

I get your feelings of empathy, but I think part of the issue is since it's just the two of you, you're going to be putting a lot of your energy into your son. Be careful to establish healthy boundaries.

[Anonymous]

You do nothing. Navigating these issues is a part of growing and learning.

[Anonymous]

Let him navigate his own social life. This is how he learns and grows

[Anonymous]

I get your feelings of empathy, but I think part of the issue is since it's just the two of you, you're going to be putting a lot of your energy into your son. Be careful to establish healthy boundaries.

This is a good point, thank you. I think I am overinvolved with him, that is fair. I have to be on top of him for academics, since he has ADHD, but I should probably back off other aspects of his life.

[Anonymous]

You should not know this level of detail.

You do nothing.

If he ditches his friend there will be consequences and it’s a lesson learned. He learns his lessons by experiencing life not by you coaching him through to avoid all the potential pitfalls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should not know this level of detail.

You do nothing.

If he ditches his friend there will be consequences and it’s a lesson learned. He learns his lessons by experiencing life not by you coaching him through to avoid all the potential pitfalls.

And I say this with total empathy by the way. I had to work with a therapist to get this!! It’s unhealthy for him and you to not have enough separation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

First of all, how would you even know if he was sitting with his friend at lunch?

We talk about a lot - his dad passed away two years ago, and it is just the two of us. We're very close. I do respect the opinions that I need to let him navigate this on his own, and will consider them strongly.

It just makes me upset because a different friend did this to my son last year, and he was so angry and hurt. It doesn't make sense that he is now doing it to someone else, especially a kid that our family has known and cared about for years now.

Kids, especially boys in the throes of puberty, don't make sense. Perhaps try sitting down with him and try to highlight how his friend might be feeling, and how you son felt when this happened to him.

I get your feelings of empathy, but I think part of the issue is since it's just the two of you, you're going to be putting a lot of your energy into your son. Be careful to establish healthy boundaries.

This is what I was going to say... you can equip him to make a good decision, but ultimately it's his decision to make.