Everyone seems unhappy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you have kids yourself?

Yes, I do but I had kids at least 5, in some cases 8years before my friends. My kids are now 12 and 15 and they’re not much work (except driving them around), but a lot of joy. My parents are also older, in fact my father died long ago. I miss him but the pain isn’t fresh. They mostly have their parents still, and they are feeling ok. Some are really unhappy financially and with their husbands, I think that’s the biggest complaint I’ve heard. Also maybe they don’t like their careers. They didn’t complain about their parents or kids though.

Did you work part time or SAH? Working full time with young kids is a slog, thats why they call it a juggle.

It’s likely in this idyllic town it’s expensive to live, their parents are still alive so they didn’t inherit a house, so they are likely stretched to afford to live there, hence the wish for better finances and a breadwinner DH to let them go part time and focus on the kids. Pretty typical if most of your friends are working parents; it’s a phase full of joy and love and not much day to day happiness

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm 57, pretty happy and pretty grateful to have reasons to be happy. I'd say most of my friends are in that category, though many of us, including myself, are dealing with uncertainty and painful stuff, especially related to health and aging parents. But, it helps to focus on what you're grateful for, on moments of joy, however fleeting, on family and friendship and connection. Try to remember that everyone is fighting a difficult battle. Be gentle on them and on yourself. Accept what is, let go of what cannot be, and have faith in what will be.

And -- most important -- even in the face of challenge, give yourself the freedom to listen to good music and dance!
In that vein: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TKDJv_d6tD8

While I agree that listening to good music while being active can help, I tried the youtube, but the music is neither good nor inspiring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's just how the 40s and 50s are OP, no matter where you live. Especially if you have an illness or difficult spouse, difficult child and difficult elderly parents.

Does it get better?

It gets better around the 60's, then you have to worry about health, people start dropping.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you have kids yourself?

Yes, I do but I had kids at least 5, in some cases 8years before my friends. My kids are now 12 and 15 and they’re not much work (except driving them around), but a lot of joy. My parents are also older, in fact my father died long ago. I miss him but the pain isn’t fresh. They mostly have their parents still, and they are feeling ok. Some are really unhappy financially and with their husbands, I think that’s the biggest complaint I’ve heard. Also maybe they don’t like their careers. They didn’t complain about their parents or kids though.

Did you work part time or SAH? Working full time with young kids is a slog, thats why they call it a juggle.

It’s likely in this idyllic town it’s expensive to live, their parents are still alive so they didn’t inherit a house, so they are likely stretched to afford to live there, hence the wish for better finances and a breadwinner DH to let them go part time and focus on the kids. Pretty typical if most of your friends are working parents; it’s a phase full of joy and love and not much day to day happiness

I work full time, actually a lot more than my friends. As I said, I have the same concerns as they do, elderly parents, children, a career that is good but not great, and many many complaints about my husband. But whatever complaint I have about life, theirs is amplified enormously. I don’t know what exactly it is but I think one of the PPs was right - we were all told to have a career and kids and a good marriage. It’s obviously not possible and we are all finding out the hard way. Since I had kids earlier than them, I think I may have come to some state of acceptance, IDK. But everyone had huge expectations and we were disappointed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you have kids yourself?

Yes, I do but I had kids at least 5, in some cases 8years before my friends. My kids are now 12 and 15 and they’re not much work (except driving them around), but a lot of joy. My parents are also older, in fact my father died long ago. I miss him but the pain isn’t fresh. They mostly have their parents still, and they are feeling ok. Some are really unhappy financially and with their husbands, I think that’s the biggest complaint I’ve heard. Also maybe they don’t like their careers. They didn’t complain about their parents or kids though.

Did you work part time or SAH? Working full time with young kids is a slog, thats why they call it a juggle.

It’s likely in this idyllic town it’s expensive to live, their parents are still alive so they didn’t inherit a house, so they are likely stretched to afford to live there, hence the wish for better finances and a breadwinner DH to let them go part time and focus on the kids. Pretty typical if most of your friends are working parents; it’s a phase full of joy and love and not much day to day happiness

I work full time, actually a lot more than my friends. As I said, I have the same concerns as they do, elderly parents, children, a career that is good but not great, and many many complaints about my husband. But whatever complaint I have about life, theirs is amplified enormously. I don’t know what exactly it is but I think one of the PPs was right - we were all told to have a career and kids and a good marriage. It’s obviously not possible and we are all finding out the hard way. Since I had kids earlier than them, I think I may have come to some state of acceptance, IDK. But everyone had huge expectations and we were disappointed.

Well, I came from a pretty poor background, had zero expectations, and am probably still pretty unhappy (though I think that's largely because of my spouses unhappiness and my inability to help them with it).

[Anonymous]

As a single person, I am always struck by the number of people who “don’t like their spouses.” Just leave. You have built your own prison. I am a woman who supported myself, and even raised a child to healthy adulthood (whom I adopted as an infant).

I can’t imagine the misery of sharing a bed with someone I can barely tolerate. Facing a lifetime of socializing and vacationing with him??!! Many seem to tell themselves that they stay together for the children, but what are you teaching them about partnership and love??

For those who can’t contemplate a simpler lifestyles, what does that say about you and your values??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you have kids yourself?

Yes, I do but I had kids at least 5, in some cases 8years before my friends. My kids are now 12 and 15 and they’re not much work (except driving them around), but a lot of joy. My parents are also older, in fact my father died long ago. I miss him but the pain isn’t fresh. They mostly have their parents still, and they are feeling ok. Some are really unhappy financially and with their husbands, I think that’s the biggest complaint I’ve heard. Also maybe they don’t like their careers. They didn’t complain about their parents or kids though.

Did you work part time or SAH? Working full time with young kids is a slog, thats why they call it a juggle.

It’s likely in this idyllic town it’s expensive to live, their parents are still alive so they didn’t inherit a house, so they are likely stretched to afford to live there, hence the wish for better finances and a breadwinner DH to let them go part time and focus on the kids. Pretty typical if most of your friends are working parents; it’s a phase full of joy and love and not much day to day happiness

I work full time, actually a lot more than my friends. As I said, I have the same concerns as they do, elderly parents, children, a career that is good but not great, and many many complaints about my husband. But whatever complaint I have about life, theirs is amplified enormously. I don’t know what exactly it is but I think one of the PPs was right - we were all told to have a career and kids and a good marriage. It’s obviously not possible and we are all finding out the hard way. Since I had kids earlier than them, I think I may have come to some state of acceptance, IDK. But everyone had huge expectations and we were disappointed.

Who watches your kids while you work? Or who did when they were younger?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My friends who have faith and a faith community seem happier than those who don’t. Could that be part of it?

Opiate of the masses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you have kids yourself?

Yes, I do but I had kids at least 5, in some cases 8years before my friends. My kids are now 12 and 15 and they’re not much work (except driving them around), but a lot of joy. My parents are also older, in fact my father died long ago. I miss him but the pain isn’t fresh. They mostly have their parents still, and they are feeling ok. Some are really unhappy financially and with their husbands, I think that’s the biggest complaint I’ve heard. Also maybe they don’t like their careers. They didn’t complain about their parents or kids though.

Maybe they thought since you are a friend they can complain to you and tell you how it is for them? You are here complaining about your friends complaining, not that different, are you?

[Anonymous]

Imagine being married to a person who turned out to be a jerk, a narcissist, or an abusive jerk. Would money be enough? Not on dcum, all the time people complain about their DHs who are jerks regardless of the riches.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you have kids yourself?

Yes, I do but I had kids at least 5, in some cases 8years before my friends. My kids are now 12 and 15 and they’re not much work (except driving them around), but a lot of joy. My parents are also older, in fact my father died long ago. I miss him but the pain isn’t fresh. They mostly have their parents still, and they are feeling ok. Some are really unhappy financially and with their husbands, I think that’s the biggest complaint I’ve heard. Also maybe they don’t like their careers. They didn’t complain about their parents or kids though.

Did you work part time or SAH? Working full time with young kids is a slog, thats why they call it a juggle.

It’s likely in this idyllic town it’s expensive to live, their parents are still alive so they didn’t inherit a house, so they are likely stretched to afford to live there, hence the wish for better finances and a breadwinner DH to let them go part time and focus on the kids. Pretty typical if most of your friends are working parents; it’s a phase full of joy and love and not much day to day happiness

A huge part of this is a lack of autonomy, which does not get discussed enough in my opinion. Necessities for a stable life, including housing security, good health care, and being comfortable financially come at a cost. Having a nice home in a good area, excellent health insurance, a stable job in government, or whatever, all tend to tie people to a status quo that might be less than ideal, whether it's a toxic job with unrealistic expectations or an unhelpful spouse. For me, the most challenging aspect of that phase of my life was the demands of the school calendar. I opted for stable government employment with great health insurance so that I could be there to support my kids and the schools. However, that position still has demands, along with lower pay, which left me less able to outsource. Just because you have sick or vacation leave, doesn't mean you have a job that allows you to take it any time you want. With so many school days off, events, and other school-based demands, you are stuck with few choices about how you use your time. That is absolutely suffocating. When a less than ideal marriage is piled on top of that, it's a recipe for unhappiness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's just how the 40s and 50s are OP, no matter where you live. Especially if you have an illness or difficult spouse, difficult child and difficult elderly parents.

Does it get better?

Yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's just how the 40s and 50s are OP, no matter where you live. Especially if you have an illness or difficult spouse, difficult child and difficult elderly parents.

Does it get better?

Yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you have kids yourself?

Yes, I do but I had kids at least 5, in some cases 8years before my friends. My kids are now 12 and 15 and they’re not much work (except driving them around), but a lot of joy. My parents are also older, in fact my father died long ago. I miss him but the pain isn’t fresh. They mostly have their parents still, and they are feeling ok. Some are really unhappy financially and with their husbands, I think that’s the biggest complaint I’ve heard. Also maybe they don’t like their careers. They didn’t complain about their parents or kids though.

Maybe they thought since you are a friend they can complain to you and tell you how it is for them? You are here complaining about your friends complaining, not that different, are you?

You misunderstood me completely. I am happy that they are real friends and can confide in me, just like I confide in them. I am sad that despite their beautiful lives, they are not happy. I didn’t know that, and it doesn’t provide me comfort that they are even unhappier than me. I want them to be happy and enjoy life. I love them.l, they’ve been friends for over 30 years, and we’ve remained friends across time and distance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My friends who have faith and a faith community seem happier than those who don’t. Could that be part of it?

Maybe but maybe not. I know plenty of miserable people (inwardly unhappy, outwardly miserable) who have those things.