Everyone seems unhappy
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Anonymous
| I am visiting my beautiful hometown, one of the most desirable places to live according to many studies and reviews. Yet my friends are all unhappy. We’re in our mid 40s and many look back on decisions they made in their 20s and they’re so unhappy. They don’t like their husbands, they don’t like their careers. They’re overwhelmed with kids and other responsibilities. I don’t understand it because it’s objectively beautiful, close to everything, social network and pensions, they have extraordinarily stable jobs (ie, doctors that never get fired or lawyers who work for the government). What’s going on? I love these people and I am sad to see that they’re so unhappy. Disclosure: I thought I was unhappy, but my friends beat me in every category of sadness. |
Anonymous
Are they living near aging and demanding parents? The sandwich has done me in, but my mother in particular is very difficult, demanding and angry. |
Anonymous
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I have a special needs kid. I quit my job to look after him. This means we are all dependent on my husband's income. He's a hard person to live with and divorce might have been in the cards if I had personal income.
So we have good days and bad days. But I try to remind myself that we are all alive, we have shelter, food and even some extra luxuries, and none of us have terminal diseases. We have pets that make us happy, and we partake in small joys every day. My roses are having their second bloom right now. Every day I literally stop and smell my roses. It makes me happy. |
Anonymous
| OP, do you have kids yourself? |
Anonymous
| It’s just midlife coinciding with 2022. |
Anonymous
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Same. It's the moments. I now just live for the enjoyment of little moments that bring joy or peace. My overall "life" is a not great on many fronts: partner, teen kids, parents, in-laws, money, career, retirement savings, health, etc. I'm never going to figure it all out or achieve some sort of comfortable life.
What you are seeing and what I am experiencing is the U-shaped curve of happiness https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7529452/#:~:text=The%20notion%20of%20a%20U,evidence%20for%20a%20midlife%20crisis. I'm pushing deeper into my 50s and still waiting for things to take the turn for the better. Until then, I'm focusing on the little moments from the past week: walking in Rock Creek with my dog, ice cream with chocolate sauce for a friend's birthday, knowing I have enough money in my checking account this week to splurge and just fill the whole tank with gas |
Anonymous
| It's just how the 40s and 50s are OP, no matter where you live. Especially if you have an illness or difficult spouse, difficult child and difficult elderly parents. |
Anonymous
Does it get better? |
Anonymous
| Have the complainers ever lived anywhere else? If not, they simply think the grass is greener… |
Anonymous
Very interesting post & observations. Without knowing more, I can only guess at some reasons. Mid-life crisis, too much time to think & reflect, could be an interaction of several factors such as age, cold weather location, increased independence of children, physical changes, etc. Maybe this is one reason we stress so much about our kids and their education as we want our children to avoid mistakes that we--in retrospect--believe that we made. A solution may be to never stop growing and never stop caring for others. Gives real meaning to one's existence. |
Anonymous
| Also, it may be due in part to goals achieved that didn't result in the satisfaction that was imagined. |
Anonymous
DP... I don't feel this way in my 40s/50s. I'm 52. But then, we made some changes to reduce my stress. It was hard fought, on my side, to make these changes. IMO, it's expectations. I think too many people have unreasonbly high expectations, myself included. A wise man once told me that the problem with high expectations is that you will inevitably be disappointed. How right he is. I had this conversation with a friend in her early 30s, engaged, no kids yet -- you cannot have it all. It's. Too. Hard. And you will be disappointed, feel resentful and be angry. Something has got to give -- either your career or your ability to be a fully present parent. OP's friends are struggling with trying to have a great career and be an engaged parent according to their definition of what being an "engaged parent" means. Or they gave up their career to be an engaged parent. And that's a hard thing to accept. Type A personalities have it the worst (me). You are used to giving it your all, being perfect, and you are finding that you cannot do either well. That's a hard thing to swallow for Type As. I eventually embraced that I cannot do or have it all. And I'm much happier now. |
Anonymous
| My friends who have faith and a faith community seem happier than those who don’t. Could that be part of it? |
Anonymous
Yes, I do but I had kids at least 5, in some cases 8years before my friends. My kids are now 12 and 15 and they’re not much work (except driving them around), but a lot of joy. My parents are also older, in fact my father died long ago. I miss him but the pain isn’t fresh. They mostly have their parents still, and they are feeling ok. Some are really unhappy financially and with their husbands, I think that’s the biggest complaint I’ve heard. Also maybe they don’t like their careers. They didn’t complain about their parents or kids though. |
Anonymous
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I'm 57, pretty happy and pretty grateful to have reasons to be happy. I'd say most of my friends are in that category, though many of us, including myself, are dealing with uncertainty and painful stuff, especially related to health and aging parents. But, it helps to focus on what you're grateful for, on moments of joy, however fleeting, on family and friendship and connection. Try to remember that everyone is fighting a difficult battle. Be gentle on them and on yourself. Accept what is, let go of what cannot be, and have faith in what will be.
And -- most important -- even in the face of challenge, give yourself the freedom to listen to good music and dance! In that vein: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TKDJv_d6tD8 |