Keeping family dysfunction private

[Anonymous]

If I feel people need to know, to help/persuade/advise, then I tell them. I harbor no sense of confidentiality vis-a-vis my close relatives if I sense that this is not ultimately in their long-term interest.

[Anonymous]

What’s your intention? What do you hope to accomplish? How will you feel if your parents also begin talking to others about you and yours possible “dysfunction”?

[Anonymous]

Do you have a best friend you trust or a therapist? That would probably be better place to start than cousins.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you know the info would get back to your family, then it sounds like your cousins are not safe confidants. If you know it will create drama, why would you want to do it? If you need to sort things out, get therapy or talk to a safe friend.

As soon as you tell your cousins, it will become family gossip. It’s too juicy not to share. You know this, OP. Sounds like you want to control your parents’ behavior by bringing it to the attention of extended family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You aren't responsible for the actions of others. You also aren't compelled to remain silent about your experiences. If you're parents are uncomfortable with their actions, it's not upon you to maintain their secrets.

Is it illegal or something out of the mainstream but perfectly legal?

I agree with PP and don’t see how the answer to your question should change OP’s actions. If it’s illegal, it’s not OP’s job to hide their illegal activities and pretend like they’re behaving normally. If it’s legal but unusual, OP has no reason to hide her parents activities because they’re not doing anything illegal.m, and it’s not OP’s responsibility to pretend like they’re behaving normally.

Either way, OP is their daughter, not their PR rep. She’s not getting paid to keep up her parents’ image, she’s looking to vent to someone who can understand and possibly relate, while (presumably) wouldn’t want to spread rumors/true stories in a way that could hurt her parents.

If it’s not illegal and no one knows about it except OP, then that would fall into private behavior. Surely you also have behaviors you don’t want to have shared without your permission.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You aren't responsible for the actions of others. You also aren't compelled to remain silent about your experiences. If you're parents are uncomfortable with their actions, it's not upon you to maintain their secrets.

Is it illegal or something out of the mainstream but perfectly legal?

I agree with PP and don’t see how the answer to your question should change OP’s actions. If it’s illegal, it’s not OP’s job to hide their illegal activities and pretend like they’re behaving normally. If it’s legal but unusual, OP has no reason to hide her parents activities because they’re not doing anything illegal.m, and it’s not OP’s responsibility to pretend like they’re behaving normally.

Either way, OP is their daughter, not their PR rep. She’s not getting paid to keep up her parents’ image, she’s looking to vent to someone who can understand and possibly relate, while (presumably) wouldn’t want to spread rumors/true stories in a way that could hurt her parents.

If it’s not illegal and no one knows about it except OP, then that would fall into private behavior. Surely you also have behaviors you don’t want to have shared without your permission.

First PP here. 'Dysfunction', as noted in the subject may not be illegal but is unhealthy and, perhaps, toxic. It may be something the perpetrator might consider private but the recipients do not - although they may feel shame and embarassment.

'Private' matters are more related to the individual, not unhealthy and are not perpetuated on others.

My sex position preference is private. My father insulting way of arguing is not. You spanking your child would be dysfunctional and, therefore, not private.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You aren't responsible for the actions of others. You also aren't compelled to remain silent about your experiences. If you're parents are uncomfortable with their actions, it's not upon you to maintain their secrets.

Is it illegal or something out of the mainstream but perfectly legal?

I agree with PP and don’t see how the answer to your question should change OP’s actions. If it’s illegal, it’s not OP’s job to hide their illegal activities and pretend like they’re behaving normally. If it’s legal but unusual, OP has no reason to hide her parents activities because they’re not doing anything illegal.m, and it’s not OP’s responsibility to pretend like they’re behaving normally.

Either way, OP is their daughter, not their PR rep. She’s not getting paid to keep up her parents’ image, she’s looking to vent to someone who can understand and possibly relate, while (presumably) wouldn’t want to spread rumors/true stories in a way that could hurt her parents.

If it’s not illegal and no one knows about it except OP, then that would fall into private behavior. Surely you also have behaviors you don’t want to have shared without your permission.

First PP here. 'Dysfunction', as noted in the subject may not be illegal but is unhealthy and, perhaps, toxic. It may be something the perpetrator might consider private but the recipients do not - although they may feel shame and embarassment.

'Private' matters are more related to the individual, not unhealthy and are not perpetuated on others.

My sex position preference is private. My father insulting way of arguing is not. You spanking your child would be dysfunctional and, therefore, not private.

Exactly. Abusers count on their victims keeping things quiet so they can keep on abusing. When stories come out about people doing horrible things and everyone who claimed to know them is “Shocked! Shocked, I say! He seemed so normal!” It’s not because there were no signs, it’s because the people who saw the signs were shamed/scared/trained into silence to protect the family’s privacy.