Keeping family dysfunction private

[Anonymous]

What are your thoughts on this? We aren’t talking about abuse or anything like that. Just that my parents are doing some things that are objectively not ok. It’s a long story and one talks the other into things but in the end they are both adults. I am close with cousins and have always kept family business private because I know it would get back to my parents’ siblings etc. But I am sort of feeling like just sharing now. Not in a gossipy way but cousins and I are otherwise close and I share about other issues in my life.

Is this a bad move? I am at the point where I feel like if my parents don’t want people to know what they are like or what they do, they shouldn’t do it. They always want to present as a perfect family. I’m also upset and hurt, I’d I’m being honest, so I want more perspectives.

[Anonymous]

How can we possibly give perspective if we have no idea what you are talking about when it comes to "dysfunction?"

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t talk about my dysfunctional family in the media.

But to cousins and other extended family members, absolutely!

It makes my parents irate though and my mom actually became violent towards me and threatened to sue me for slander. It will escalate drama in your life.

[Anonymous]

No family is perfect. I don't see what you would gain by talking with your cousins. If you really want a fresh take and unbiased opinion, then talk to your pastor or find a therapist or even a friend who knows you but not everyone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What are your thoughts on this? We aren’t talking about abuse or anything like that. Just that my parents are doing some things that are objectively not ok. It’s a long story and one talks the other into things but in the end they are both adults. I am close with cousins and have always kept family business private because I know it would get back to my parents’ siblings etc. But I am sort of feeling like just sharing now. Not in a gossipy way but cousins and I are otherwise close and I share about other issues in my life.

Is this a bad move? I am at the point where I feel like if my parents don’t want people to know what they are like or what they do, they shouldn’t do it. They always want to present as a perfect family. I’m also upset and hurt, I’d I’m being honest, so I want more perspectives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No family is perfect. I don't see what you would gain by talking with your cousins. If you really want a fresh take and unbiased opinion, then talk to your pastor or find a therapist or even a friend who knows you but not everyone else.

+1000 No good will come out of it.

[Anonymous]

You aren't responsible for the actions of others. You also aren't compelled to remain silent about your experiences. If you're parents are uncomfortable with their actions, it's not upon you to maintain their secrets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You aren't responsible for the actions of others. You also aren't compelled to remain silent about your experiences. If you're parents are uncomfortable with their actions, it's not upon you to maintain their secrets.

Is it illegal or something out of the mainstream but perfectly legal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You aren't responsible for the actions of others. You also aren't compelled to remain silent about your experiences. If you're parents are uncomfortable with their actions, it's not upon you to maintain their secrets.

Is it illegal or something out of the mainstream but perfectly legal?

I agree with PP and don’t see how the answer to your question should change OP’s actions. If it’s illegal, it’s not OP’s job to hide their illegal activities and pretend like they’re behaving normally. If it’s legal but unusual, OP has no reason to hide her parents activities because they’re not doing anything illegal.m, and it’s not OP’s responsibility to pretend like they’re behaving normally.

Either way, OP is their daughter, not their PR rep. She’s not getting paid to keep up her parents’ image, she’s looking to vent to someone who can understand and possibly relate, while (presumably) wouldn’t want to spread rumors/true stories in a way that could hurt her parents.

[Anonymous]

Personally I keep things about other people private because I myself like privacy. I don't think knowing something about me means it is fine to tell whoever you like. The friends I have in my life are people I trust because they can also respect boundaries. Same with family. Just because I know something about someone in my family doesn't (to me) give me the right to spread that around to everyone else. Again, I would not be okay with my family member decided it was okay to share anything and everything they know about me to everyone in t extended family. Unless you need someone's help, it is just gossip.

[Anonymous]

Telling your cousins implies that you want them on your side. Imagine if they don’t choose your side, will you be hurt/mad/judge mental ? My advice is to avoid your parents and keep your thoughts private or find a therapist.

[Anonymous]

If you know the info would get back to your family, then it sounds like your cousins are not safe confidants. If you know it will create drama, why would you want to do it? If you need to sort things out, get therapy or talk to a safe friend.

[Anonymous]

It’s not the same but I struggle with sharing my kids SN diagnoses etc. Because I feel like I need to be able to talk to people but also respect their privacy. So I confide in 2 close friends who are my friends only and not parents of my kids friends or in our neighborhood. I would take that approach. Talk to people who are unconnected if you need to, but don’t start drama if you know your parents would not want you to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Telling your cousins implies that you want them on your side. Imagine if they don’t choose your side, will you be hurt/mad/judge mental ? My advice is to avoid your parents and keep your thoughts private or find a therapist.

I agree with this advice. I am one of 5 siblings who was raised in a dysfunctional family (alcoholism, abuse, infidelity, neglect). I realized I was affected by my childhood experiences and sought out therapy. I attempted to discuss with my siblings, mostly to get details straight and it didn't go well, to say the least. Distance yourself from your parents, if you think that will lower your distress and seek the counsel of a therapist or your religious advisor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Telling your cousins implies that you want them on your side. Imagine if they don’t choose your side, will you be hurt/mad/judge mental ? My advice is to avoid your parents and keep your thoughts private or find a therapist.

I agree with this advice. I am one of 5 siblings who was raised in a dysfunctional family (alcoholism, abuse, infidelity, neglect). I realized I was affected by my childhood experiences and sought out therapy. I attempted to discuss with my siblings, mostly to get details straight and it didn't go well, to say the least. Distance yourself from your parents, if you think that will lower your distress and seek the counsel of a therapist or your religious advisor.

This. Plus in the same family, people have different experiences. My cousin had a very challenging and abusive mother (my aunt). My mom is very manipulative and went out of her way to win over my cousin with generous financial gifts and being sweet as sugar and showering her with compliments. If I confided in my cousin she would think I was nuts. I save the dysfunction for therapy and friends who get it and I stay out of family drama. My cousin vented to me a lot about my aunt, but she is so enmeshed with my mother I know it would backfire if I said a word. Not worth it. I am glad she can experience some warmth even if it's from someone who treats me poorly. I do agree her mother was far more abusive than mine.