Mad at son - would you incentive better behavior with bribes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I get your feelings of empathy, but I think part of the issue is since it's just the two of you, you're going to be putting a lot of your energy into your son. Be careful to establish healthy boundaries.

This is a good point, thank you. I think I am overinvolved with him, that is fair. I have to be on top of him for academics, since he has ADHD, but I should probably back off other aspects of his life.

I sometimes feel over-involved with my son, too. He is an only, and we are very close. He also has learning disabilities, so I've needed to be more involved than other parents. However...like you I have had to realize that my son is his own person, with his own life and needs and wants and HE IS NOT ME. His choices don't make me a better or worse person, or a better or worse parent. He gets to be him. I have done things recently like not go to all of his sporting events, because I tend to care more than I should about them. I work to not ask too many questions, but instead listen to what my son wants to tell me or talk to me about, and if that is video games...okay. He is 16, so we are a couple of years down the road from you.

Could I recommend a book, given your son has ADHD? Have you read The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives. It applies even more to those of us with kids with learning issues, I think, because we so often think we have to control our kids more than other parents in order to keep our kids from failing, but we don't really. We do have to work harder, but over-involvement doesn't have to be the way we do it.

[Anonymous]

Could I recommend a book, given your son has ADHD? Have you read The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives. It applies even more to those of us with kids with learning issues, I think, because we so often think we have to control our kids more than other parents in order to keep our kids from failing, but we don't really. We do have to work harder, but over-involvement doesn't have to be the way we do it.

Thanks, that book looks great, I appreciate the recommendation.

[Anonymous]

I remember when I was a similar age. My friend's interests and mine were diverging and we started making different friends. I wasn't mean and nothing big happened between us. Anyways, her mom came and yelled at me for it. She lectured me on the importance of friendship. It stuck with me because it bothered me so much and the mom was trying to bully me.

Just stay out of it as a mom. Even if you might know the answers, these are life lessons.

[Anonymous]

I remember when I was a similar age. My friend's interests and mine were diverging and we started making different friends. I wasn't mean and nothing big happened between us. Anyways, her mom came and yelled at me for it. She lectured me on the importance of friendship.

That's crazy. I do think making different friends and having different interests are different than obsessing over a girl (which will likely be very transitory at their age). But I see your larger point that parents being directly involved is unhelpful, and I don't disagree.

[Anonymous]

Mom, it’s not your business.

Your son gets to decide who he sits with at lunch. It is not his job to keep his friend company all the time! Surely your son can sit with a girl he likes!

[Anonymous]

You should absolutely NOT do that. The most I'd do (if I even knew this level of detail) is to ask "Have you considered inviting Larla to come eat with you and Brian so Brian isn't left sitting by himself?"

But if that's how he wants to treat a friend, that's on him. Let the chips fall where they may.

[Anonymous]

The most I'd do (if I even knew this level of detail) is to ask "Have you considered inviting Larla to come eat with you and Brian so Brian isn't left sitting by himself?"

Understood on letting the chips fall where they may. I did suggest inviting Larla over, but she doesn't want to leave her own friends. I think DS is a bit more into her than she is into him (although she has shown some interest by inviting him to watch one of her sports games and to a movie night with her family).