MIL subtly judgmental of teenaged DD

[Anonymous]

There is nothing subtle about this, OP. I had a relative who treated me this way and it was absolutely horrible. Everything about me was about my appearance. It made me feel awful. Still does.

I wish my mom had said within earshot of me, "Nora, you need to stop commenting on my daughter's appearance. She has her own sense of style, and she's clean and healthy and beautiful. If she wants your fashion or cosmetic advice, you have made it very clear that you are available. How would you feel if every time I saw you, I suggested a different outfit or a new way to style your hair or something that could improve your wrinkles? My daughter's body is her own and it's frankly rude to continue to remark on it."

[Anonymous]

I have a mil like this and my DD is two. I said something like “MIL, we’re raising DD to understand that talking about someone’s body (hair/skin) is bad manners” in your case I might add “would you like to apologize?”

This isn’t subtle. Your daughter is getting the message BOTH that her grandmother is embarrassed AND that you don’t particularly care to stick up for her.

[Anonymous]

I’d just be polite and direct with grandma, pull her aside and say,

- gran, thank you for XYZ, that was very nice of you. On another subject, I noticed that you’ve asked this and that and suggested this and that to Larla on multiple occasions. I’d like to ask you to stop making ANY suggestions relating to her appearance. They are unnecessary. So don’t talk to my daughter about her appearance. Do to understand me?

- Oh, but I…

- do you understand that you should not do it? Thanks for listening. I know you love Larla, now I need you to follow my lead here. Thank you.

Be firm, but nice. Do it w/o your husband, but notify him and say you expect full support on this. Show him some articles re: teen girls/ pressure/ appearances and make him take this seriously.

[Anonymous]

I agree with all the posters and your judgment that MIL is overstepping but I do have a question. Why is she telling your daughter to shower? Is her hair objectively greasy, nails dirty, doesn’t take a shower every day type of teen?

Because there is a huge difference between being a tomboy, not being elegant and feminine, and looking unkempt and dirty/ smelly.

I am shocked by parents who don’t enforce hygiene. It is part of the basics we need to teach our children, brush your teeth, wash your hair, take a shower every day and keep your room clean.

Not saying that is not what you do. But if indeed your teen is letting herself go in the hygiene department then I am team MIL

[Anonymous]

I would try to assume MIL is just clueless and not mean spirited. I would simply ask her "XXX, teenager is sensitive about her appearance. You know how awkward the teenage years could be. I've taken her to the dermatologist. Can you please refrain from making comments about her appearance" and then move on. If she continues, then get more firm. Many people are suggesting starting with more aggressive comments, but honestly it will probably only serve to make your dd uncomfortable and just make it more obvious. I would try to assume that she's well intentioned and in her generation it was more acceptable to do so. That doesn't mean she still can, but try to point it out and see if she changes it first. You said dd needed an intervention for the acne so clearly you had to speak up because it was bad enough. It's somewhat hypocritical to say "leave her be we love her as is!" and then have an intervention where you also commented on changing her appearance. Grandma may also think she's being helpful and maternal but it's stepped over your boundary. Gently reinforce those boundaries and see if you can do it with minimal waves. Teenagers typically don't like more attention drawn to things like this, at least i didn't. Some posters say they would have wanted to hear their parent loudly shut it down. I wouldn't have. I would have wanted them to quietly handle it without me hearing a bigger fuss made. Hugs to you on both the acne and the annoying MIL and the DH who won't speak up....BTDT on all.

[Anonymous]

At 13, you need to have your daughter start expressing for herself how she feels. Something like “I actually like this outfit!” Or “I’m ok with the skincare products my doctor prescribes” followed by a quick turn of the conversation topic. If she can’t do it verbally, she should leave the room. Having you intervene won’t be super helpful - I doubt MIL will react the way you want her to. It will be much more impactful coming directly from your daughter, and in addition it will teach her how to respond to unwanted comments that are bound to come from others throughout her life. She should learn to be confident and assertive not just with her grandmother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with all the posters and your judgment that MIL is overstepping but I do have a question. Why is she telling your daughter to shower? Is her hair objectively greasy, nails dirty, doesn’t take a shower every day type of teen?

Because there is a huge difference between being a tomboy, not being elegant and feminine, and looking unkempt and dirty/ smelly.

I am shocked by parents who don’t enforce hygiene. It is part of the basics we need to teach our children, brush your teeth, wash your hair, take a shower every day and keep your room clean.

Not saying that is not what you do. But if indeed your teen is letting herself go in the hygiene department then I am team MIL

Agree. She doesn’t need to wash her hair every day, but should be brushing it daily. She should be showering daily, flossing daily, and using deodorant. I imagine that the type of parent seeking intervention for acne though is also managing those things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a mil like this and my DD is two. I said something like “MIL, we’re raising DD to understand that talking about someone’s body (hair/skin) is bad manners” in your case I might add “would you like to apologize?”

This isn’t subtle. Your daughter is getting the message BOTH that her grandmother is embarrassed AND that you don’t particularly care to stick up for her.

You need to touch up on "bad manners".

[Anonymous]

I don't think it's necessary to make a big scene. Just say to MIL one-on-one, "DD has said that when you comment on her clothes and appearance and suggest shopping trips and skincare it makes her feel like you don't like how she looks and you're embarrassed of her. I'm sure you don't mean it that way, but I wanted to let you know that that's how she takes it."

If she keeps doing it after that, she is a jerk and you have my permission to call her out in front of your daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You could start by teaching your child better hygiene and getting her better clothes.

This. She probably stinks. Personally the daughter sounds like a slob

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a mil like this and my DD is two. I said something like “MIL, we’re raising DD to understand that talking about someone’s body (hair/skin) is bad manners” in your case I might add “would you like to apologize?”

This isn’t subtle. Your daughter is getting the message BOTH that her grandmother is embarrassed AND that you don’t particularly care to stick up for her.

You need to touch up on "bad manners".

NP. Found the judgmental cow MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You could start by teaching your child better hygiene and getting her better clothes.

Look at OP’s MIL!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You could start by teaching your child better hygiene and getting her better clothes.

This. She probably stinks. Personally the daughter sounds like a slob

Don’t project your own stench onto children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD13 is a lovely girl, though she’s a bit of a tomboy, if that’s still a thing you can say. She is clean and put together, but she doesn’t care if her hair is a little messy, prefers graphic tees and sports shorts or sweatpants. She also has a little acne, though she’s had intervention and uses meds.

MIL is always trying to take DD shopping for clothes she doesn’t want, tries to get her to take a shower and wash her hair, tries styling it in ways DD doesn’t like, gives unsolicited skincare advise. DD thinks her grandma is embarrassed of her and is trying to change her. She says it hurts her feelings.

DH who doesn’t have a great relationship to begin with, excuses her behavior and says that’s just the way she is. But it clearly hurts DD feelings. DD is afraid to speak up for herself, DH won’t. What can I do myself?

Seems pretty clear that you will have to be the one to speak up, then. I don't think it has to be as fraught or dramatic as many of the PPs seem to believe. Just discreetly tell her what you've said here. "Barb, I know this isn't your intention, but when you have been saying things to Lily about her hygeine and personal style... well, it's starting to get to her and I think her feelings are being hurt. I'm sure she'd be mortified to know I'm talking to you about this, but I just want you to be aware as I'd hate to see something so silly get in they way of your relationship." Or whatever. Address it, but in the words of my mom, don't make a federal case out of it. At least not right out of the gate.

Also, maybe do a little damage control with DD. Acknowledge her feelings about what Grandma says, but also downplay the comments. "Grandma is a little old fashioned and doesn't understand what's normal for kids/teens these days. I wouldn't pay her any mind on this one."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a mil like this and my DD is two. I said something like “MIL, we’re raising DD to understand that talking about someone’s body (hair/skin) is bad manners” in your case I might add “would you like to apologize?”

This isn’t subtle. Your daughter is getting the message BOTH that her grandmother is embarrassed AND that you don’t particularly care to stick up for her.

You need to touch up on "bad manners".

NP. Found the judgmental cow MIL.

What? You missed my point. I wasn't saying the MIL didn't display poor manners, but PP's response is also poor.

Cow really? Get over yourself.