Newly widowed FIL and holiday plans - what are our responsibilities?

[Anonymous]

Everyone is different, but the last thing my DH would have wanted to do was travel for a joyous holiday vacation so soon after his mom passed away. Does your DH have siblings? The first Christmas after losing a parent is usually very emotional and difficult. There is also no way my DH would have his dad spend that first Christmas all alone. Again, YMMV, but I would let your DH take the lead on this.

[Anonymous]

My father just died and I am planning to do thanksgiving and Christmas with my Mom this year. Normally we would do one with my parents and one with DH's, but I don't want her to be alone. If we had plans, I would cancel them.

That said, you don't know what your FIL wants yet so DH needs to talk to him and find out. But him being alone the first Christmas after his wife died does not seem like the right outcome, unless he is really clear that he wants that.

[Anonymous]

Personally, I grew up with having just one grandparent alive on one side and then later the other. They were never left alone at a holiday. In your shoes, I would travel to him this year, and then talk about having him move closer to you. In the future, unless your brother has siblings, yes, you need to host your FIL for both Thanksgiving and Christmas each year. How awful to be old and alone on a holiday.
So basically, this year, start with your friend trip, but fly to your FIL on Christmas Eve, spend Christmas Day with him, and then fly out back to your friends trip the day after. ...if you can afford this. I wouldn't leave FIL alone on Christmas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the problem - he doesn't have any local family, and my MIL was very much the social connector in their household, so while she had lots of friends in the area, he is not particularly close to them.

Another thing I considered was going ahead with the trip, but going to stay with him right when we go back, so we could have some holiday time together (albeit a bit late). My husband doesn't think this is a good alternative.

I don't think this is a bad idea. Maybe give your husband some time to think about it. I'm sure emotions are still high right now.

[Anonymous]

Before a holiday is better than after a holiday. And obviously, the closer/or on the holiday is best.

[Anonymous]

If it’s been only a week since MIL has passed, I would press the pause button on this issue and revisit it in about a month. Any changes you would make now, you can make then. Let everyone grieve a bit longer and allow the rawest portion of their emotions settle down.

[Anonymous]

Maybe your DH could stay with his father at Christmas while you and the kids go on the trip with your friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Personally, I grew up with having just one grandparent alive on one side and then later the other. They were never left alone at a holiday. In your shoes, I would travel to him this year, and then talk about having him move closer to you. In the future, unless your brother has siblings, yes, you need to host your FIL for both Thanksgiving and Christmas each year. How awful to be old and alone on a holiday.
So basically, this year, start with your friend trip, but fly to your FIL on Christmas Eve, spend Christmas Day with him, and then fly out back to your friends trip the day after. ...if you can afford this. I wouldn't leave FIL alone on Christmas.

Yep - my grandparents slowly died. Every two years until it was just my grandma. Granted, she had sisters and nephews but my mother would never have left her alone on an important holiday. Your dh brought it up to give you a heads up that he is thinking that the trip will likely have to be canceled. You need to say, of course we can cancel the trip. Whatever you and your father need. I know it is important for you to be together.

Down the road you have to think about how difficult it will be to get to him in an emergency if he is 9 hours away. You don’t say if he is 65 or 85 but if he is retired and has no support network, is it possible that he would consider moving closer to your family? Obviously bringing it up now is too soon but maybe in a year?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He needs to think about his life, his family, and make some hard decisions now. This is part of getting used to living without a spouse. We are a year out since my mom died and my dad is still figuring things out. I wouldn't bring up the holidays right now.

This. As a fairly new widow, don’t even ask him about holidays. Let your DH handle it. I spent my first holidays alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it’s been only a week since MIL has passed, I would press the pause button on this issue and revisit it in about a month. Any changes you would make now, you can make then. Let everyone grieve a bit longer and allow the rawest portion of their emotions settle down.

+1. Try not to press for a decision from grieving people that does not have to be made now.

[Anonymous]

Do not cancel Christmas travel plans. But offer for him to come visit for 2 to 3 days the weekend before you leave. Do not visit him right after your travel because your risk of having Covid then is high

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother-in-law passed away last week after a brief illness. My father-in-law is reasonably healthy and will be living alone in their home, which is 9 hours away from us. In the past, they have come to us for Thanksgiving. We typically celebrate at home or travel alone (sometimes to see my family) over Christmas. We have plans to travel across the country this Christmas - have booked flights and a place to stay, and will be traveling with friends. This is our first family trip since 2019. Are we obligated to cancel our plans so we can be with my father-in-law during his first Christmas alone? I'm also happy to have him join us on our trip, although I'm not sure how feasible or fun it would be for him, as he has some mobility issues, would need to stay separately from us, and doesn't know the friends we're supposed to be traveling with. I'm also not sure he would want to join us, as he has a strong aversion to flying.

I'm interested to hear what others think is reasonable and appropriate in this situation.

I can't believe the first thing you think of is your Christmas plans just one week after your MIL died. It seems a little callous to me. I would be thinking of supporting my dh with the loss of his mom and fil loss of his spouse. But, no it is all about your vacation.

Who knows your fil might prefer to have a low key Christmas but it is too soon for either of you to bring it up to your FIL.

Thank you. I can't believe the coldness of the previous posts. Op could you imagine what your first Christmas would be like being alone after your spouse dies? I can't fathom your thinking. I'm a person who is tough on boundaries and not having extended family step all over them but, damn, I feel sorry for your fil.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Personally, I grew up with having just one grandparent alive on one side and then later the other. They were never left alone at a holiday. In your shoes, I would travel to him this year, and then talk about having him move closer to you. In the future, unless your brother has siblings, yes, you need to host your FIL for both Thanksgiving and Christmas each year. How awful to be old and alone on a holiday.
So basically, this year, start with your friend trip, but fly to your FIL on Christmas Eve, spend Christmas Day with him, and then fly out back to your friends trip the day after. ...if you can afford this. I wouldn't leave FIL alone on Christmas.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe your DH could stay with his father at Christmas while you and the kids go on the trip with your friends.

Yes I agree! -NP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother-in-law passed away last week after a brief illness. My father-in-law is reasonably healthy and will be living alone in their home, which is 9 hours away from us. In the past, they have come to us for Thanksgiving. We typically celebrate at home or travel alone (sometimes to see my family) over Christmas. We have plans to travel across the country this Christmas - have booked flights and a place to stay, and will be traveling with friends. This is our first family trip since 2019. Are we obligated to cancel our plans so we can be with my father-in-law during his first Christmas alone? I'm also happy to have him join us on our trip, although I'm not sure how feasible or fun it would be for him, as he has some mobility issues, would need to stay separately from us, and doesn't know the friends we're supposed to be traveling with. I'm also not sure he would want to join us, as he has a strong aversion to flying.

I'm interested to hear what others think is reasonable and appropriate in this situation.

I can't believe the first thing you think of is your Christmas plans just one week after your MIL died. It seems a little callous to me. I would be thinking of supporting my dh with the loss of his mom and fil loss of his spouse. But, no it is all about your vacation.

Who knows your fil might prefer to have a low key Christmas but it is too soon for either of you to bring it up to your FIL.

Thank you. I can't believe the coldness of the previous posts. Op could you imagine what your first Christmas would be like being alone after your spouse dies? I can't fathom your thinking. I'm a person who is tough on boundaries and not having extended family step all over them but, damn, I feel sorry for your fil.

I am not the OP, but the *last* thing I would want on the first Christmas after my spouse passed away would be for my adult child to cancel their family vacation. Life is for the living. We have precious few years with our children at home. I would be insistent that they go in their vacation.