Newly widowed FIL and holiday plans - what are our responsibilities?

[Anonymous]

My mother-in-law passed away last week after a brief illness. My father-in-law is reasonably healthy and will be living alone in their home, which is 9 hours away from us. In the past, they have come to us for Thanksgiving. We typically celebrate at home or travel alone (sometimes to see my family) over Christmas. We have plans to travel across the country this Christmas - have booked flights and a place to stay, and will be traveling with friends. This is our first family trip since 2019. Are we obligated to cancel our plans so we can be with my father-in-law during his first Christmas alone? I'm also happy to have him join us on our trip, although I'm not sure how feasible or fun it would be for him, as he has some mobility issues, would need to stay separately from us, and doesn't know the friends we're supposed to be traveling with. I'm also not sure he would want to join us, as he has a strong aversion to flying.

I'm interested to hear what others think is reasonable and appropriate in this situation.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you have to cancel your trip, but I think you ought to help arrange something for your FIL so he's not alone. Does he have any local friends or other extended family who might invite him for Christmas dinner?

[Anonymous]

This is the problem - he doesn't have any local family, and my MIL was very much the social connector in their household, so while she had lots of friends in the area, he is not particularly close to them.

Another thing I considered was going ahead with the trip, but going to stay with him right when we go back, so we could have some holiday time together (albeit a bit late). My husband doesn't think this is a good alternative.

[Anonymous]

Does your husband have any other siblings?

What does your husband want to do?

[Anonymous]

Let your DH figure it out. He can talk with his dad and let you know. You seem flexible so his answer will be the best one.

[Anonymous]

They have come to you for Thanksgiving. A 9 hour drive. If he drove that alone, before, I guess there's no reason to think this one year, a year later will be different. But it quickly will become different -- if not this year, than next. Just a warning. It also wouldn't surprise me if he said he driving to you for thanksgiving and then, surprise, he didn't. In the very near future you will have to go to him.

Re: Christmas. I do think your DH takes the lead on this. Imo no reason to cancel your christmas travel. You can invite him but I believe you that he's not coming. How are flights to where FIL lives? Any chance DH could see him right before your trip. Or even meet up with the rest of you after he's seen his Dad. Seeing Dad at Christmas, not essential but as close as possible would be good. Otherwise and in addition, look up Senior Center type activities for FIL.

OP, your future is: your family traveling to him. You probably want to look-ahead to him moving closer to you.

[Anonymous]

Agree, this is between your DH and his Dad.

[Anonymous]

Your husband picks. If he wants to cancel your trip, you let him without pressuring, whining, lamenting. It's clear you don't want this to inconvenience your plans. Get through this first Christmas (your husband lost his mom too, you know) and then you'll have a whole year to come up with a new Christmas tradition.

[Anonymous]

He needs to think about his life, his family, and make some hard decisions now. This is part of getting used to living without a spouse. We are a year out since my mom died and my dad is still figuring things out. I wouldn't bring up the holidays right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother-in-law passed away last week after a brief illness. My father-in-law is reasonably healthy and will be living alone in their home, which is 9 hours away from us. In the past, they have come to us for Thanksgiving. We typically celebrate at home or travel alone (sometimes to see my family) over Christmas. We have plans to travel across the country this Christmas - have booked flights and a place to stay, and will be traveling with friends. This is our first family trip since 2019. Are we obligated to cancel our plans so we can be with my father-in-law during his first Christmas alone? I'm also happy to have him join us on our trip, although I'm not sure how feasible or fun it would be for him, as he has some mobility issues, would need to stay separately from us, and doesn't know the friends we're supposed to be traveling with. I'm also not sure he would want to join us, as he has a strong aversion to flying.

I'm interested to hear what others think is reasonable and appropriate in this situation.

I can't believe the first thing you think of is your Christmas plans just one week after your MIL died. It seems a little callous to me. I would be thinking of supporting my dh with the loss of his mom and fil loss of his spouse. But, no it is all about your vacation.

Who knows your fil might prefer to have a low key Christmas but it is too soon for either of you to bring it up to your FIL.

[Anonymous]

Can you plan a makeup visit just after?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother-in-law passed away last week after a brief illness. My father-in-law is reasonably healthy and will be living alone in their home, which is 9 hours away from us. In the past, they have come to us for Thanksgiving. We typically celebrate at home or travel alone (sometimes to see my family) over Christmas. We have plans to travel across the country this Christmas - have booked flights and a place to stay, and will be traveling with friends. This is our first family trip since 2019. Are we obligated to cancel our plans so we can be with my father-in-law during his first Christmas alone? I'm also happy to have him join us on our trip, although I'm not sure how feasible or fun it would be for him, as he has some mobility issues, would need to stay separately from us, and doesn't know the friends we're supposed to be traveling with. I'm also not sure he would want to join us, as he has a strong aversion to flying.

I'm interested to hear what others think is reasonable and appropriate in this situation.

I can't believe the first thing you think of is your Christmas plans just one week after your MIL died. It seems a little callous to me. I would be thinking of supporting my dh with the loss of his mom and fil loss of his spouse. But, no it is all about your vacation.

Who knows your fil might prefer to have a low key Christmas but it is too soon for either of you to bring it up to your FIL.

It's not the first thing I thought about - of course. I only posed the question because my husband raised it with me and told me he didn't know how he wanted to proceed. I didn't have a clear sense either - so I asked how other people would handle the situation.

[Anonymous]

I would let DH decide, even if that meant that we cancel the trip. In his place, I would want to be with my parent.

[Anonymous]

No one can answer this for you. Only your DH and he should ask his father.

Like a PP said, you need to stay out of it and do what they decide. The first holidays are hard so let them figure it out without you giving your own personal input.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother-in-law passed away last week after a brief illness. My father-in-law is reasonably healthy and will be living alone in their home, which is 9 hours away from us. In the past, they have come to us for Thanksgiving. We typically celebrate at home or travel alone (sometimes to see my family) over Christmas. We have plans to travel across the country this Christmas - have booked flights and a place to stay, and will be traveling with friends. This is our first family trip since 2019. Are we obligated to cancel our plans so we can be with my father-in-law during his first Christmas alone? I'm also happy to have him join us on our trip, although I'm not sure how feasible or fun it would be for him, as he has some mobility issues, would need to stay separately from us, and doesn't know the friends we're supposed to be traveling with. I'm also not sure he would want to join us, as he has a strong aversion to flying.

I'm interested to hear what others think is reasonable and appropriate in this situation.

I can't believe the first thing you think of is your Christmas plans just one week after your MIL died. It seems a little callous to me. I would be thinking of supporting my dh with the loss of his mom and fil loss of his spouse. But, no it is all about your vacation.

Who knows your fil might prefer to have a low key Christmas but it is too soon for either of you to bring it up to your FIL.

It's not the first thing I thought about - of course. I only posed the question because my husband raised it with me and told me he didn't know how he wanted to proceed. I didn't have a clear sense either - so I asked how other people would handle the situation.

I don't celebrate christmas. However, I would wait a month - emotions are VERY high right now and he's in shock and doesn't care about a holiday four months away - and then tell him you guys are going away for Christmas, but would like to get together with him on XX dates. Then I'd make suggestions for things he could do that day so he's not alone. For Thanksgiving, if he drives I'd invite him to come stay for a few days over that holiday, or if he's not up for it, go to him with the family and do all the cooking and cleaning for him.