Trade ideas for giving a ride

[Anonymous]

Just wondering how on earth someone who doesn't really know you can ask you to drive their kid throughout the year...

[Anonymous]

OP just say you cannot do it. No matter what you agree to you’ll be resentful soon, and rightfully so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A family wants me to drive their child home from an activity, and they’ve made it clear that they can’t drive my child. I don’t know the family well. When we have driven, the child has no snacks and shared my child’s packed car dinner. It’s wouldn’t be a carpool, just a ride. It adds time to my drive for an activity that ends close to bedtime.

I’m thinking about the recent unreciprocated carpool vent thread. Would it be rude to ask for gas and toll money? Or a supply of car snacks or something? I live in a place with variable tolling but it would cost ~$8/drive 2x/week plus gas.

Can you share, as much as possible, the wording they used when they made this request? That would inform my answer.

Because to me it's just kind of mind-boggling that someone would ask something this. Have they shown kindness and graciousness in any ways through the time you've known them as team parents? Like, did they ever send or pay for a snack for the whole team? The times that you drove their child, are they incredibly grateful?

[Anonymous]

If I said yes, I would be noting that my schedule varies, so they should check in with me every weekend for my availability that week. And I would note that my child will be eating so if they want their child to eat, they should send food. I'd also drive to my house and let them pick up there, rather than dropping door-to-door, if the time difference was enough. (The kid can wait in your entry way while you go about your business.)

I'd like to ask for $10/trip, but if they've been getting rides for free from other people that might seem cheap.

[Anonymous]

I’m OP. To answer the PP question: the original request was a one-off that was probably right after the other kid left the team. Then it became one ask per week, which I rarely said yes to because the summer was busy. Then it was quiet during pool cleaning.

The most recent time they asked was at the start of the new season in front of the rest of the practice group at dropoff, saying that their child couldn’t stay on the team without a ride home and since we lived close they needed a ride. I said I wouldn’t be able to do it regularly but would help when I could. Now I am sitting on a text from them saying that they have to drive the older sibling to soccer during pickup time during the school year and that they need a carpool and will we drive younger child home from practice this year? But not to worry because younger child already has a ride to practice.

[Anonymous]

OP again: and no, they don’t send extra snacks and weren’t what I would call super extra grateful. I’ve been clear that my child will have dinner but they always say their kid will eat at home so not to worry. And then kid eats half of my kid’s dinner. Adult who is home waves from the front window when I drop the child off. They have an older kid and are hands-off team parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:17:42 again, as for the dinner and snacks, don’t make it about that either. I did an actual carpool with a family who always gave my kid those and I provided nothing. It was because I had dinner ready when we got home and I didn’t want them eating in the car. I told them we ate a late dinner but they still always offered my kid food. Maybe they felt bad. My son stopped taking the food and eventually we stopped carpooling.

These people don’t even want to reciprocate. Just say no.

They were right to offer food to your child if they were feeding theirs.

I agree and it was best for both of us when we stopped carpooling. They liked to do dinner in the car, I didn’t want my kid eating that. I would also offer if I was giving my kid food and another was there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m OP. To answer the PP question: the original request was a one-off that was probably right after the other kid left the team. Then it became one ask per week, which I rarely said yes to because the summer was busy. Then it was quiet during pool cleaning.

The most recent time they asked was at the start of the new season in front of the rest of the practice group at dropoff, saying that their child couldn’t stay on the team without a ride home and since we lived close they needed a ride. I said I wouldn’t be able to do it regularly but would help when I could. Now I am sitting on a text from them saying that they have to drive the older sibling to soccer during pickup time during the school year and that they need a carpool and will we drive younger child home from practice this year? But not to worry because younger child already has a ride to practice.

The parents need to figure this out. Tell then thanks for reaching out but you are unable to provide transportation for their child and hope they are able to find a way to make it work. Do not go into details and if they argue tell them to have a good evening and block the, if they van get one kid to soccer they can figure this out or change teams for better times for them. It should not cost you time and money with nothing in return when your kids are not friends.

We have had this happen several times. They call it a carpool with us doing all the work. No.

[Anonymous]

WTF?? Is there a cultural difference? I can't imagine anyone other than a desperate close friend asking me to drive their kid with nothing in return. Every carpool I've done has been turn-taking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m OP. To answer the PP question: the original request was a one-off that was probably right after the other kid left the team. Then it became one ask per week, which I rarely said yes to because the summer was busy. Then it was quiet during pool cleaning.

The most recent time they asked was at the start of the new season in front of the rest of the practice group at dropoff, saying that their child couldn’t stay on the team without a ride home and since we lived close they needed a ride. I said I wouldn’t be able to do it regularly but would help when I could. Now I am sitting on a text from them saying that they have to drive the older sibling to soccer during pickup time during the school year and that they need a carpool and will we drive younger child home from practice this year? But not to worry because younger child already has a ride to practice.

Wait a second. So they put you on the spot asking in front of the rest of the team? That is simply not acceptable. And if it were done to me, I'd be furious and instantly realize that they alone have set the rules to this game. I would not have one ounce of guilt answering "sure, I'll drive your kid" in front of the same group but then texting later saying I now realize I can't drive, sorry. OP, they are using you and only care about what they need. Time for you to do the same.

[Anonymous]

Just say that your schedule has gotten very tight due work/other child/your husband, etc and cut ties. Be very clear about it and say, X is the last practice I can do so they have time to ask someone else. Otherwise, you are going to be resentful that you are stuck driving this kid and it's going to cause you anxiety that you don't deserve..

[Anonymous]

You lost me at "my child's packed car dinner" - WTF?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You lost me at "my child's packed car dinner" - WTF?

What confused you about this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You lost me at "my child's packed car dinner" - WTF?

Hungry swimmer, can’t wait to eat dinner until they get home=pack a dinner for car to eat on the way home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:WTF?? Is there a cultural difference? I can't imagine anyone other than a desperate close friend asking me to drive their kid with nothing in return. Every carpool I've done has been turn-taking.

I’m a white American, they are white Americans, so there is no official cultural difference but definitely a difference in how we do things.