Anyone else know their DC's school is great for them, but STILL feel apathetic?

[Anonymous]

OP,

I feel your pain. I keep telling myself that it's about my kid - NOT me.

Even so, after speaking to other parents (all working moms who feel out of the loop), I'm to the point where I want to express these concerns constructively to the administration in an attempt to break up some of these cliques who are allowed to run the school.

And FWIW, I'm a teacher. So I know a little about how schools are run.

[Anonymous]

My take on it is this: it is HUGE that you're child is thriving... this may or may not be the case if dc switched schools, and believe me, from experience you don't want to be on the other side - dealing with a child is not engaged be it socially, emotionally or academically. I've been there, and it was heartbreaking. When I moved to DC and dc changed schools, I realized for the first time that kids actually can LOVE learning and school.

As for fitting in, or feeling a need to expose child to broader horizons... I encourage you to explore summer & enrichment programs that are more in tune with your family's sensibilities.

From point is my perspective from my personal experience growing up in NW DC native and being product of a well known school on this board which posters label as "blonde" and elitist. My family was/is very down-to-earth. My parents sent me to the school for the "right" reasons (meaning education) and while I have many very close life-long friends from school, growing up I also made many very close friends who lived in the neighborhood and went elsewhere... be it another private or public. My parents understood the importance of both "school" friendships and neighborhood friendships and just because I didn't attend the local public didn't mean I had to miss out on getting to know the kids & families in my neighborhood which was an important community to me. I also was sent to an inner city public day camp. My life wasn't just about the school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To answer OP's question, we are in the circumstance that we know DS's private is "fine" for him, is better than our public option (we're sure), and is not worth $29,830 to us each year.

We also think our DS's private is better than the public elementary schools in the one and only close suburb where we might -- might - be willing to move. But that doesn't make it "great," and it doesn't make it worth $29,830 a year.

This is exactly the situation we are in.

So what do you do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To answer OP's question, we are in the circumstance that we know DS's private is "fine" for him, is better than our public option (we're sure), and is not worth $29,830 to us each year.

We also think our DS's private is better than the public elementary schools in the one and only close suburb where we might -- might - be willing to move. But that doesn't make it "great," and it doesn't make it worth $29,830 a year.

This is exactly the situation we are in.

So what do you do?

Us too. We decided to move two children to public school in the fall. We feel that our private is "better" in a number of ways but not sure if the high tuition is "worth it." We thought long and hard about the upheaval for our kids of leaving their private school. We rationalize our decision in part with the assumption that our children will be exposed to more socioeconomic diversity. Sorry to use the tired "entitlement" reference, but we already see signs of this with respect to our oldest DC and DC's peers. Despite encouraging ties with a broader community through church, our neighborhood, etc., we see DC's expectations and perspective being molded -- in some positive ways, but also in some negative ways in our view -- by the day-to-day exposure since kindergarten to the pricey "bells and whistles" of private school and uniformly affluent peers.

[Anonymous]

This is a really interesting thread to read. We are about to make the leap into private school for our PreK child and our greatest hesitation is exactly what the PPs are all describing to a tee. I keep telling myself that if, after a year, our fears about a culture of entitlement / self-love / exclusivity are all founded, we will make the switch to public in a heart beat. What I am sensing in some of these threads eerily confirms what we already suspect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a really interesting thread to read. We are about to make the leap into private school for our PreK child and our greatest hesitation is exactly what the PPs are all describing to a tee. I keep telling myself that if, after a year, our fears about a culture of entitlement / self-love / exclusivity are all founded, we will make the switch to public in a heart beat. What I am sensing in some of these threads eerily confirms what we already suspect.

PP, as one who has gone down this path, I will tell you that you are on the right track. But your problem will come when you have a hard time discerning a culture that is negative self-love (excellent word choice), versus a more positive one of self-confidence and well-nutured, "happy, protected childhood." When does the latter become the former?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To answer OP's question, we are in the circumstance that we know DS's private is "fine" for him, is better than our public option (we're sure), and is not worth $29,830 to us each year.

We also think our DS's private is better than the public elementary schools in the one and only close suburb where we might -- might - be willing to move. But that doesn't make it "great," and it doesn't make it worth $29,830 a year.

This is exactly the situation we are in.

So what do you do?

We are in this situation too, and are also moving DC to public ES in the fall. We are nervous about the change for many reasons, esp. the large class sizes in public, but ultimately felt like we would never know if it could work without trying it. I am thrilled about saving the money, but I am also really pretty scared about DC's transition. Fingers crossed...

[Anonymous]

PP again: also, while the families of DC's classmates are generally truly lovely, nice people and not overtly snobby at all, there definitely is a culture of wealth/entitlement that pervades the school. A good third of DC's class belongs to a well-known country club, for example, and almost everyone takes fabulous trips during spring break (except us), to give another example. It's not that the families seem in any way lesser as a result of their wealth; it's just that their attitude toward it is so matter-of-fact as to give us pause.

[Anonymous]

I come back to what a PP said: it's about the kid. Did DC#1 HAVE to go to private? No. Is it better for her that she did? Yes. A shy and quiet rule follower would not have received much attention at our very large public, despite the fact that it is one people try to get into OOB. My calculus went like this: I applied her to schools where we could see a real benefit to doing that. DH and I decided we would not apply her to schools where we would not really want to write the check - we would just move if it came to that. It didn't. She was accepted at her favorite school. I don't now sit around and wonder whether it's worth EXACTLY what they charge, or 10% more, or 30% less, etc. Because DH did not want one in private and one in public, we're sending the second one next year, too. If they had been a different birth order, maybe I would have one in public and one in private. I don't think my tuition includes buying myself a bunch of friends or a community, although we do participate in the school community. DH and I both work full time, so we do what we do for our kids and because we think that part of having kids at a private school means making commitments to the institution, not because we are looking for the school to fill some need in us. Sort of like when your best friend asks you to donate to X cause or Y candidate. You do it because of the friend. With the school, we do it because of what the school is doing for our kid.

[Anonymous]

Don't be surprised if you see a similar sense of entitlement in affluent neighborhood public schools. It's more of a class thing than a private school thing, IMHO.

In fact, the parents from my local public seem even more entitled than the parents at our private. Why? Because the parents at the public school think that their kids should have everything that any local private school has
-- and for free.

Meanwhile the parents at private, who know they'll be footing the bill, tend to be more budget-conscious (is it worth it? could the money be better spent? will it benefit everyone at the school? if so, how/can we make sure it's accessible to all? if not, should this be on our collective dime or is it something families should pay for themselves?)

Collective and direct financial responsibility imposes a certain kind of discipline in this context.

Obviously, it's a different and arguably less strict discipline than scarcity imposes on some public system -- but in publics, that discipline is imposed on administrators rather than parents themselves. The end result may be a perennially aggrieved sense of entitlement, but it sure sounds like entitlement nonetheless. And it's particularly hard to watch in a context like DCPS where what one already well-off school gets comes at the direct expense of school that are in really bad shape.

At least that's what I've seen -- and a friend at a very different private (whose DCs both went to our local
public ES) has made the similar comparisons re the cultures of the two. She was in a leadership position at the public school and said you could never get parents to agree that anything should be cut when hard choices had to be made. They still wanted EVERYTHING and refused t prioritize/triage when everything wasn't possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'll never forget when I first started thinking about leaving our first school, and I asked the lower school head why people chose the school when their public schools were so good. She said, "for the community." Which I took to mean, "so that they can be sure their kids are going to school with other rich kids who go to their country clubs." Not to me a very compelling basis for choosing a school.

I'm sorry "community" is such a negative codeword for you. To me, it means that the class and grade sizes are small enough for the kids, teachers, and parents to all get to know each other and build strong relationships. It means that the lower school principal knows each child and greets each one by name with a handshake every day. It means that the lower school gathers together and starts each day together in chapel. It means that younger siblings are made to feel welcome and a part of the school before they attend. It means that my kids feel connected to students in higher grades and look forward to passing through each one. It means that they feel known and valued at school. It means that parents, teachers, and administrators feel that they are working together, not struggling with a large bureaucracy.

Community is fairly low on the list of reasons why we chose private school, but I think it's unfair to dismiss it as a desire to associate with rich kids (of whom there are plenty in the surrounding public schools).

[Anonymous]

11:47--I sympathize with your situation and I know others contemplating making the same decision. I was wondering what grades your kids are in and whether they have expressed any opinion about switching to public school at this point?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To answer OP's question, we are in the circumstance that we know DS's private is "fine" for him, is better than our public option (we're sure), and is not worth $29,830 to us each year.

We also think our DS's private is better than the public elementary schools in the one and only close suburb where we might -- might - be willing to move. But that doesn't make it "great," and it doesn't make it worth $29,830 a year.

This is exactly the situation we are in.

So what do you do?

Us too. We decided to move two children to public school in the fall. We feel that our private is "better" in a number of ways but not sure if the high tuition is "worth it." We thought long and hard about the upheaval for our kids of leaving their private school. We rationalize our decision in part with the assumption that our children will be exposed to more socioeconomic diversity. Sorry to use the tired "entitlement" reference, but we already see signs of this with respect to our oldest DC and DC's peers. Despite encouraging ties with a broader community through church, our neighborhood, etc., we see DC's expectations and perspective being molded -- in some positive ways, but also in some negative ways in our view -- by the day-to-day exposure since kindergarten to the pricey "bells and whistles" of private school and uniformly affluent peers.

[Anonymous]

I agree with one PP that this discussion is more interesting and thought provoking than many on this forum.

The difference between a feeling of entitlement that is somewhat negative versus just a symptom of feeling valued and nurtured is a conundrum ... I wonder if I would be able to discern how much of it was one form versus the other. And since both forms are probably just opposite ends of a continuum, how much of a slide towards the "negative" side am I willing to risk in order for my child to be on the self-love continuum at all? Given my own experiences in childhood, I tend to accept the negative aspects (along with attempting to counterbalance with home environment, etc.) and hope that any sense of entitlement my child develops will lessen upon maturity and greater exposure to the real world.

I definitely agree that this entitlement problem is not just present within the private schools ... this is a wealthy area and kids living in the nicer neighborhoods are surrounded with opportunities and connections likely to breed this problem. I sort of view it as a nice problem to have given the alternatives.

[Anonymous]

PP, it sounds like you're talking about Norwood. If so, that's a great school and all the families that I know there speak in similar glowing terms. I get the sense that the "community" feeling there is very warm and very real.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll never forget when I first started thinking about leaving our first school, and I asked the lower school head why people chose the school when their public schools were so good. She said, "for the community." Which I took to mean, "so that they can be sure their kids are going to school with other rich kids who go to their country clubs." Not to me a very compelling basis for choosing a school.

I'm sorry "community" is such a negative codeword for you. To me, it means that the class and grade sizes are small enough for the kids, teachers, and parents to all get to know each other and build strong relationships. It means that the lower school principal knows each child and greets each one by name with a handshake every day. It means that the lower school gathers together and starts each day together in chapel. It means that younger siblings are made to feel welcome and a part of the school before they attend. It means that my kids feel connected to students in higher grades and look forward to passing through each one. It means that they feel known and valued at school. It means that parents, teachers, and administrators feel that they are working together, not struggling with a large bureaucracy.

Community is fairly low on the list of reasons why we chose private school, but I think it's unfair to dismiss it as a desire to associate with rich kids (of whom there are plenty in the surrounding public schools).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP, it sounds like you're talking about Norwood. If so, that's a great school and all the families that I know there speak in similar glowing terms. I get the sense that the "community" feeling there is very warm and very real.

Now I feel a little sheepish because I came back to clarify that I'm not claiming that this IS the nature of the school community (YMMV); it's just what I mean when I think of "community," and I hope I'm not the only one.

Also agree with another poster that in this context, I mostly think and care about the community the school provides for my kids. Although I'm quite active at the school, the nature of the parent community doesn't concern me that much. There are things I like more and things I like less, but the school is only a small part of my life.