Anyone else know their DC's school is great for them, but STILL feel apathetic?

[Anonymous]

My DC has had gangbusters first year at lovely private. He is thriving, grown in confidence and intelligence, and is generally loving life. He has culturally sensitive art, interesting and challenging music, teachers who are patient and caring, etc etc. YET, I find myself eye-rolling the whole thing. The rabid community, the constant money/party/volunteer asks, the preening blond moms (who really are nice when I stop judging them unfairly, at least most of them)...

There is some extreme self-love at this school and I am feeling MEH about it. But I cannot deny that my child is happy. That is the goal....right? I mean, I am not the one in school, HE is.

Anyone else feeling apathetic? Is it the end of the year? Would I appreciate this school is we left? Who knows. I just know I cannot say these things to anyone else in the school b/c I would be labeled a heretic.

My Catholic guilt tells me to shut up and be grateful, but is it any better in the publics anyway? The thought of years of this circus makes me sigh...

[Anonymous]

I had the same experience during my kids' early years, and I am pretty sure in retrospect that the whole affair was emporer's new clothes. Our lovely little public would have been just fine, and my DC would have had just as good a time, and we could have socked that money away for college.

I had no regrets about leaving, but we left for another private that offered things this private, and the publics, do not (religious formation, single sex, really personal relationships with teachers, etc.). Perhaps you should think hard about why you went the private school route and whether there is anything truly special about this school that makes it worth the money. If not, have the courage to go with your instincts rather than with the crowd.

I'll never forget when I first started thinking about leaving our first school, and I asked the lower school head why people chose the school when their public schools were so good. She said, "for the community." Which I took to mean, "so that they can be sure their kids are going to school with other rich kids who go to their country clubs." Not to me a very compelling basis for choosing a school.

Compare notes with your public school friends, and tour your public school. Then you will know for sure whether your private is better for your DC or not.

[Anonymous]

OP, maybe a more down to earth school would be a better fit! You might regret the money spent on this one...
Sometimes I have eye-rolling episodes, too, for DS's preschool, for the reasons you mention. We keep it up because DS has a wonderful relationship with his head teacher, who "gets" his quirks and has enough authority to redirect him and sustain his attention. She is surprisingly down to earth, too, despite the large number of snobs who attend her school... So we are staying.

[Anonymous]

My kid's in private and I'm happy about the school for specific reasons related to the education it provides. I'm not into the community aspect. (That said, there are enough others like us that, as a family, we have made some good friends there.)

Sometimes I read the private school threads here about how the kids are thriving and it's worth the money and I wonder how many of these kids would be just as thriving elsewhere. Who knows? Personally, if I were in your position, I know I'd be more likely to regret the decision to pull DC out of an environment where s/he was happy than by the decision to spend the money on private school. But that POV no doubt comes from two miserable preschool experiences and having no other pressing need for the $$!

[Anonymous]

OP, my kids are at Norwood and it is a financial drain.
Yes they have a great time every day, but this is so unreal. We are not upper class, but the tuition is for the very wealthy.
I too have an emperor's new clothes feel.
As said on a prior thread, it has lost luster, the honeymoon is over, I am so not into it.
I have a sense that I will regret it. I will probably take one child out next year, get the feel of public, and then possibly remove the other if I like public school.

[Anonymous]

We've seen both sides of the fence and I'd agree that many independent school parents have all kinds of misperceptions about public schools. Our kids went to public for elementary school (MoCo) and then switched to independent, with one now in high school and one in middle school. Our local public offered a solid elementary school program with excellent teachers, for the most part, and a great community. (I loved the comment by a PP about many independent school parents using "community" as a euphemism for going to school with other affluent kids of one's (perceived) social class.)

Having said this, however, I'd also say that the small class sizes in independent schools make a huge difference starting in middle school. Even in the best MCPS middle and high schools, it's completely possible for a kid to coast through without getting to know a single teacher. In those pre-teen and teen years, guidance, encouragement and tough love from adults other than parents is critical for intellectual and character development.

As much as we are really pleased with our kids' current school, though, it's not perfect -- no school is -- and that's very hard for parents who've known nothing but private school "self-love"-- and private school tuition --to accept. The parents of the lifers have been indoctrinated into thinking the school is so perfect that nothing could be wrong, then when they encounter a problem they become bitter and resentful, with an entitled attitude that ticks off the teachers and administration. Public school parents tend to be more proactive in a positive way, but also more accepting of imperfection.

[Anonymous]

I'm not really understanding this thread. I see people saying you really think your child's private school is great for the child, but you yourself feel sort of apathetic/unimpressed about the school.

Here's what confuses me about the thread's logic: Isn't the whole point to find a school that's great for your child? I understand it's important and good for parents to fit into whatever community the school offers, but isn't that a secondary consideration? I figure I'm an adult and even if I spend a lot of time at my child's school, I spend a whole lot less time than my child, so as long as the school is the best place for my child, I should just suck it up and play nice even if I am feeling "meh" about the community. It's not your responsibility as a parent to "drink the kool-aid" and love the school -- your job is to find the best place for your child.

Maybe I am completely off-base. I definitely don't have much experience with the DC private school scene, so maybe lots of people here on DCUM want to care more about what the school community offers them. It just seems like an odd problem to me, but maybe it's me not you.

Any insight appreciated.

(One possibility I considered is that OP and some of the others posting here are just looking for an opportunity to bash private schools generally, and cry "emperor's new clothes!" like I've seen in several other threads. While that might be a factor in some comments, most seem more earnest and less petty than that. This leaves me with my confusion, since it doesn't seem as simple as sour grapes.)

[Anonymous]

To answer OP's question, we are in the circumstance that we know DS's private is "fine" for him, is better than our public option (we're sure), and is not worth $29,830 to us each year.

We also think our DS's private is better than the public elementary schools in the one and only close suburb where we might -- might - be willing to move. But that doesn't make it "great," and it doesn't make it worth $29,830 a year.

[Anonymous]

I agree with 10:17. I think too many parents think it is about them ... when it should be about the child.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I understand what you are saying PP. I think what is happening to me is that I was slightly panicked when picking a school for my son. He was introverted and anxious and did not deal great with large groups. I saw his current school and KNEW he could grow there. Just felt.

Well, fast forward 9 months and he HAS grown. The school HAS made good on it's promises. I am the one wondering "hmmmm, would this growth have happened up the street at local great public?" I have the nagging feeling it might have, which leaves me feeling like a poorer fool.

Now I am looking at his little sister, who fits in anywhere, doing anything. I want to try her in local public, but my guilt and worry don't want to shortchange her. But looking at 50K a year (and then 75K with the littlest brother) makes me feel sick.

I just don't know. I sound snarky about the school, but it is not about the school. Every private school has the "drinking the kool-aid" feel, more or less. My problem is with my own confidence, my own self-knowledge, my own bravery, my own willingness to leave well enough alone, my issues with wanting everything to be "just right" in my head (good decisions made, case closed).

I hope that clears up where I am in my kooky head. So, I am feeling a little duped, but not by the school...

[Anonymous]

I think the perceptions go both ways. There are more children who've gone to public in private than children who've gone to private then switched to public. I do not think every private school has a drinking the Kool-Aid feel to it. That's a bit extreme!

There was a mindset at our public, too. You could feel like an outlier at both, or do your best to find a place in either parent community.

[Anonymous]

One of the earlier posts touched a nerve for me--I have one at private, and am on the fence about taking the other one out of public. She is happy and thriving, but...I suspect the private would offer a better education in the long run. Can anyone weigh in? Has anyone had the experience of one public/one private?

[Anonymous]

I know many people who have done that 10:59-- one at public and one at private. It works for them. I'm glad I only have 1 kid. That seems really unfair to me. But, they say different kids can do well in different settings and some cannot do as well in different settings.

[Anonymous]

We are in a similar situation - both started in public and them moved DS out in 3rd. DD remains in public. We love our public, and for many reasons, I think my child entered private with a slight advantage to those who had been at the private since pre-k in terms of maturity and attitude. Academically he was ahead in some areas but behind in others - but overall he thrived and fit in very well. DD will remain in public through 5th and then enter the private for middle school. I love the private's MS program and think the small and creative environment will be perfect for the middle school years. We will revisit HS when the time comes. I have tried to warm to the private community, but as a newcomer just can't get into it - DS is so happy, so that's all that really matters. My heart is with the public system, but I know at this point, private is a much better fit (I really hate the testing....).

[Anonymous]

It is different at different schools. At our public, we are a DC charter but not one of the very best tippy top ones (right under, I'm proud of that, but not the tippy top). And our school culture is genuinely different.

I kind of WANTED the gung-ho community aspect, the drinking the kool-aid, the many blond moms at well-run, organized events. Instead it's more... I don't know... disorganized but in a kind of good, multi-culti way. Like a "live and let live" way. I am ultra-organized and uptight myself, and this culture has been very good for me. Despite my personal inclinations of control, control, control and anxiety about control, I have had to back off. It's impossible to herd the cats, basically. And this is good. Good for my marriage, for my mental health, for DS who also tends toward anxiety.

I am looking at privates for middle school and I fear that that culture change will be the hardest part.