Ultimatum: Inconsiderate husband & 4th baby due soon - kill, divorce or forgive

[Anonymous]

Have your come to Jesus talk. Ask him what on earth is going on, be clear you are not ok with whatever it is you are not ok with. I would be pissed about a lot of the behavior you are describing but for me the worst would be the lack of communication. Especially confusing messages to the nanny with out explaining/looping yin. YMMV but I need to know who is watching my kids at all times and be sure all caregivers are clear about pick up especially! But it sounds like you have maybe been flexible in the past so be super clear about what is bothering you and if that’s a change.

If he’s contrite and says he’s freaking out about another baby maybe you do counseling with him or something but I think getting support for yourself is really important. Many practices will do virtual counseling now, look in psychology today and start calling people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I found a text inviting old frat friends to Vegas one week after I’m due with our baby.

The term my grandmother would have used is: You need to give him a "come to Jesus talk." Or whatever your background would call it.

The talk where you do NOT apologize one bit for "snooping" but you show him his own text -- PLEASE tell me you have a screen shot of it on your own phone somehow! And point out that he seems ignorant of the idea YOU ARE GOING TO GIVE BIRTH and he will not be in Vegas, or anywhere except home with your other kids. He will try to dance around it, deflect, say he got the dates wrong, say you're being "emotional because, pregnancy hormones" blah blah blah.

He's got an alcohol problem and takes you for granted.

You have a nanny? Good. Time for her to work extra while you make immediate arrangements for marriage therapy. Yes, now, before the baby comes. He needs to get his a@$ to AA tonight. (You do not have to drink every day to have a problem. What you describe, regular all-day drinking occasionally, can be a form of alcoholism too.)

He also needs to tell all his "bro" friends he's out of their loop for a long time to come. He puts them and his good times ahead of you AND YOUR CHILDREN.

I'm shouting because you need to wake up. I won't scream "divorce" at you because you have to deal with his drinking, get him more present mentally for when the baby arriaves, and get past the birth first. But you need him to wake the F up, as do you.

Unless there is a text where he accepts the invite, I wouldn’t focus on this but rather his actual demonstrated behaviors. He can’t prevent people from inviting him to places, only his RSVPs.

He's the one who sent the evite.

😳😳😳😳

[Anonymous]

If your DH actually was trying to organize a guys’ trip to Vegas for the week after you give birth to your 4th child, knowing that would leave you alone to recover from childbirth, care for your newborn, and care for your other 3 kids, then he is not redeemable as a husband and you need to divorce his ass.

[Anonymous]

The big, glaring thing missing from your post is what has happened when you have talked to him before about his drinking and absence from the home?

And is this new behavior? I don't know how you get to kid #4 if this was already going on with kid 2 or kid 3.

[Anonymous]

If this only started a few months ago and you have #4 on the way I would chalk this up to a sort of midlife crisis and definitely have a discussion with him. He obviously isn't a mind reader and is clearly dealing with his own things. You both should be in therapy, but he may not realize it. Men typically don't.

[Anonymous]

Your husband doesn’t want to be in charge of the three kids you have and he wants/needs more alone time. It sounds like he’s organizing childcare, which is good, but not telling you ahead of time because he doesn’t want to be chastised, which is childish.

Having four kids is really hard. If you need him to be around at certain times, make sure you say so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't get past the fact you are having a 4th baby with him. I feel bad for your children. I grew up with an alcoholic dad and a martyr mom. All 3 of us kids had a horrible childhood.

Having said that, it doesn't sound like your husband is anywhere near what my dad was. Do what is best for your children. Start with therapy.

This. I mean, come on. Nothing in your post suggests that things have changed in the last 9 months. My guess is this guy has always been exactly like this. Even allowing for this fantasy that a man may suddenly "grow up" when he has kids, you should have stopped when you realized that was not happening after one kid. This guy is a total loser and always will be. He does not respect you and is not up for fatherhood/family life.

[Anonymous]

This is where I would say nothing about it at all. I would quietly and joyfully plan my departure from the marriage. Planning ahead to leave when it suited me best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is where I would say nothing about it at all. I would quietly and joyfully plan my departure from the marriage. Planning ahead to leave when it suited me best.

Yes joyfully with 4 kids in tow. The entire thing is a mess

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is where I would say nothing about it at all. I would quietly and joyfully plan my departure from the marriage. Planning ahead to leave when it suited me best.

Yes joyfully with 4 kids in tow. The entire thing is a mess

And how is that going to work out for op? Op can you afford to leave?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is where I would say nothing about it at all. I would quietly and joyfully plan my departure from the marriage. Planning ahead to leave when it suited me best.

Yes joyfully with 4 kids in tow. The entire thing is a mess

And how is that going to work out for op? Op can you afford to leave?

We’ve been saving for a down payment on our next house. When the market started getting weird, I stopped dumping it in and have a decent amount of cash because of that. We can easily afford another modest residence, which is where I think he should go.

[Anonymous]

Kill him, make it look like an accident, collect the insurance money, hire two full-time nannies. Done.

[Anonymous]

I mean, I feel fine with my choices. Two kids, we both work. How do you feel about yours?

[Anonymous]

Justifiable homicide.

[Anonymous]

Unpopular opinion- option 3, let it go.

You don’t kill him for obvious reasons.

If you divorce, you run the real risk of joint custody and your kids are with the drunken irresponsible guy for half of the time without you.

So yeah, it sucks but the kids need you around for stability. And don’t make any decisions while pregnant or when you have a newborn.