Ultimatum: Inconsiderate husband & 4th baby due soon - kill, divorce or forgive

[Anonymous]

Today marks the 3rd or 4th “book club” in the past two months that I’ve been told about moment of/day of. “Book club” is code for day drinking to excess that starts at lunch time and ends past our kids bedtime. Last time, it was “lunch” 2-3 wks ago and he came home intoxicated at 6:45 pm. I found out that afternoon while I was a work and didn’t think much of it, as lunch is lunch. He deserves to enjoy himself. Like today, I found out day of/moment of except DH told our nanny to pick up our kids, although I was planning to pick them up (2 locations). He also texted me that he was having our nanny come later, but never once said he wasn’t going to be home. We spent 1/2 the day on Sunday without kids together - he never mentioned anything. Yesterday, the wives texted me they wanted to do a girls dinner. I asked my DH, if that seemed ok because evenings are so hectic - never mentioned anything about today. Two weeks, ago I asked him who he was texting so frantically. He said, the guys about a trip to Vegas that he didn’t think was going to work out because someone was on call. I’m due with our 4th baby in 8 wks. I had a preterm labor scare a few weeks ago. I went snooping, which I know is wrong! I found a text inviting old frat friends to Vegas one week after I’m due with our baby. Bury him, divorce him or let it go? I don’t even want to go to dinner with these ladies because I’m so hurt by how inconsiderate he’s been. I deserve better and so do my kids. I have a divorce lawyer calling me Monday. Help!

[Anonymous]

Wow I’m sorry OP

I am one of four my mother didn’t leave however she was the issue my dad should have .

Yes Divorce lawyer

This is not good for your kids or you

[Anonymous]

I can't get past the fact you are having a 4th baby with him. I feel bad for your children. I grew up with an alcoholic dad and a martyr mom. All 3 of us kids had a horrible childhood.

Having said that, it doesn't sound like your husband is anywhere near what my dad was. Do what is best for your children. Start with therapy.

[Anonymous]

FFS, OP, your fourth baby? Meet with the divorce lawyer and look for an individual therapist for you. And get on better birth control in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't get past the fact you are having a 4th baby with him. I feel bad for your children. I grew up with an alcoholic dad and a martyr mom. All 3 of us kids had a horrible childhood.

Having said that, it doesn't sound like your husband is anywhere near what my dad was. Do what is best for your children. Start with therapy.

+1

[Anonymous]

Have you even spoken about it or your feelings?

One of our extended family wanted four kids. The husband was fine with two but four was too much. She pushed for it, thought it would be fun. He turned into an alcoholic, addicted to prescription medication, it broke their marriage, it broke their family, it completely derailed their life. Sorry you are going through this. Sounds like too much responsibility for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you even spoken about it or your feelings?

One of our extended family wanted four kids. The husband was fine with two but four was too much. She pushed for it, thought it would be fun. He turned into an alcoholic, addicted to prescription medication, it broke their marriage, it broke their family, it completely derailed their life. Sorry you are going through this. Sounds like too much responsibility for him.

This. It sounds like they can afford it with a nanny. However...it also sounds like the husband is doing whatever he can to physically and mentally escape the house and the life created.

Maybe the two of you should talk about it. Or divorce. Your choice.

[Anonymous]

I found a text inviting old frat friends to Vegas one week after I’m due with our baby.

The term my grandmother would have used is: You need to give him a "come to Jesus talk." Or whatever your background would call it.

The talk where you do NOT apologize one bit for "snooping" but you show him his own text -- PLEASE tell me you have a screen shot of it on your own phone somehow! And point out that he seems ignorant of the idea YOU ARE GOING TO GIVE BIRTH and he will not be in Vegas, or anywhere except home with your other kids. He will try to dance around it, deflect, say he got the dates wrong, say you're being "emotional because, pregnancy hormones" blah blah blah.

He's got an alcohol problem and takes you for granted.

You have a nanny? Good. Time for her to work extra while you make immediate arrangements for marriage therapy. Yes, now, before the baby comes. He needs to get his a@$ to AA tonight. (You do not have to drink every day to have a problem. What you describe, regular all-day drinking occasionally, can be a form of alcoholism too.)

He also needs to tell all his "bro" friends he's out of their loop for a long time to come. He puts them and his good times ahead of you AND YOUR CHILDREN.

I'm shouting because you need to wake up. I won't scream "divorce" at you because you have to deal with his drinking, get him more present mentally for when the baby arriaves, and get past the birth first. But you need him to wake the F up, as do you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't get past the fact you are having a 4th baby with him. I feel bad for your children. I grew up with an alcoholic dad and a martyr mom. All 3 of us kids had a horrible childhood.

Having said that, it doesn't sound like your husband is anywhere near what my dad was. Do what is best for your children. Start with therapy.

+1

+2. Glad you are contacting a divorce lawyer. Ask the lawyer about how to ensure DH proves he's sober when watching the kids during his visitation times. Your husband is immature AF and hasn't gotten the memo that he's not in college anymore and it's no longer acceptable to get drunk with frat brothers once you're a father and husband.

[Anonymous]

Buddy him, make it look like an accident, and collect the insurance. Use the money to hire a nanny wife.

[Anonymous]

What are the best shared custody arrangements? Would it be feasible to have sole custody? I have a nanny, full time daycare and an au pair arriving Friday. I understand they can’t be left alone with infants.

[Anonymous]

Curious if anyone has a good recommendation for virtual therapy. I was seeing someone locally 2 yrs ago, but they’re no longer accepting patients.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I found a text inviting old frat friends to Vegas one week after I’m due with our baby.

The term my grandmother would have used is: You need to give him a "come to Jesus talk." Or whatever your background would call it.

The talk where you do NOT apologize one bit for "snooping" but you show him his own text -- PLEASE tell me you have a screen shot of it on your own phone somehow! And point out that he seems ignorant of the idea YOU ARE GOING TO GIVE BIRTH and he will not be in Vegas, or anywhere except home with your other kids. He will try to dance around it, deflect, say he got the dates wrong, say you're being "emotional because, pregnancy hormones" blah blah blah.

He's got an alcohol problem and takes you for granted.

You have a nanny? Good. Time for her to work extra while you make immediate arrangements for marriage therapy. Yes, now, before the baby comes. He needs to get his a@$ to AA tonight. (You do not have to drink every day to have a problem. What you describe, regular all-day drinking occasionally, can be a form of alcoholism too.)

He also needs to tell all his "bro" friends he's out of their loop for a long time to come. He puts them and his good times ahead of you AND YOUR CHILDREN.

I'm shouting because you need to wake up. I won't scream "divorce" at you because you have to deal with his drinking, get him more present mentally for when the baby arriaves, and get past the birth first. But you need him to wake the F up, as do you.

Unless there is a text where he accepts the invite, I wouldn’t focus on this but rather his actual demonstrated behaviors. He can’t prevent people from inviting him to places, only his RSVPs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I found a text inviting old frat friends to Vegas one week after I’m due with our baby.

The term my grandmother would have used is: You need to give him a "come to Jesus talk." Or whatever your background would call it.

The talk where you do NOT apologize one bit for "snooping" but you show him his own text -- PLEASE tell me you have a screen shot of it on your own phone somehow! And point out that he seems ignorant of the idea YOU ARE GOING TO GIVE BIRTH and he will not be in Vegas, or anywhere except home with your other kids. He will try to dance around it, deflect, say he got the dates wrong, say you're being "emotional because, pregnancy hormones" blah blah blah.

He's got an alcohol problem and takes you for granted.

You have a nanny? Good. Time for her to work extra while you make immediate arrangements for marriage therapy. Yes, now, before the baby comes. He needs to get his a@$ to AA tonight. (You do not have to drink every day to have a problem. What you describe, regular all-day drinking occasionally, can be a form of alcoholism too.)

He also needs to tell all his "bro" friends he's out of their loop for a long time to come. He puts them and his good times ahead of you AND YOUR CHILDREN.

I'm shouting because you need to wake up. I won't scream "divorce" at you because you have to deal with his drinking, get him more present mentally for when the baby arriaves, and get past the birth first. But you need him to wake the F up, as do you.

Unless there is a text where he accepts the invite, I wouldn’t focus on this but rather his actual demonstrated behaviors. He can’t prevent people from inviting him to places, only his RSVPs.

He's the one who sent the evite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you even spoken about it or your feelings?

One of our extended family wanted four kids. The husband was fine with two but four was too much. She pushed for it, thought it would be fun. He turned into an alcoholic, addicted to prescription medication, it broke their marriage, it broke their family, it completely derailed their life. Sorry you are going through this. Sounds like too much responsibility for him.

Yes, this is what's happening. I LOVED having two kids and we went for #3. It just about broke me. It was way, way too much responsibility. I did turn it around though because I truly love my kids and my dh, but yeah. I think your dh couldn't handle the kids.