Encourage DH to turn down a gift because you know it comes with strings attached?

[Anonymous]

Nope. NOthing is worth the headache this will cause in the future.
My DH is a sucker and believes his mom every time she swears she understands/has changed/ gets it but she never every does. it is all lip service. Then DH and i go around and around with each other about it.
Finally i just tell her and him both 'nope' to everything. It just isn't worth it in the long run.

[Anonymous]

Will your kids have fun with the grandparents while you’re on the dream couple’s trip? Are the grandparents good caretaker of your kids? Those would be my primary considerations. In general, it’s good for them to have time together-they won’t be around forever. The power dynamics around money are your DH’s decision, but secondary in my opinion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Will your kids have fun with the grandparents while you’re on the dream couple’s trip? Are the grandparents good caretaker of your kids? Those would be my primary considerations. In general, it’s good for them to have time together-they won’t be around forever. The power dynamics around money are your DH’s decision, but secondary in my opinion.

+1. If ILs and kids would enjoy it, I’d do it.

[Anonymous]

No way would I leave my kids with manipulative in-laws. If you can find someone else you actually trust to watch your kids, just take the vacation. Gifts may come with strings attached, but you can cut the strings by just ignoring them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No way would I leave my kids with manipulative in-laws. If you can find someone else you actually trust to watch your kids, just take the vacation. Gifts may come with strings attached, but you can cut the strings by just ignoring them.

Yes, to this. I can just picture the phone calls when a child misbehaves or scrapes a knee.

[Anonymous]

I would say no, the trip will come with strings. Then the stress will not be between your DH and your in laws but between you and your DH as you try to navigate those strings.

That's the thing with strings. What is offered is enticing and nice and draws you in. You pay for it later. Your inlaws have not changed, they just know you well and know you will fall for it. Then they also know they can manipulate you and that nothing has changed. If things had actually changed you would not accept their gifts. They are still playing their games and you are still falling for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Long story short, gifts from ILs always come with strings attached. ..ILs came into an inheritance and now want to “treat” us to a vacation alone, and will even watch our kids! It’s too good to be true! We all know how that saying goes.

Do I encourage him to decline the offer, reminding him the things mentioned above? Do I nudge him gently? Do I violently shake him awake?

ILs got an inheritance? Does this mean a GP bypassed a GC, the OP's DH? A single elderly sibling dies and left them $? Since ILs are offering a trip for two my guess is it's something they'll pay with accumulated points since otherwise they could generously gift the amount from the inheritance. That would be a treat.

Call their bluff and ask for cash. Or 529? Redo a powder room? Use it for anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can only change yourselves. If they try to pull the tit-for-tat don't give in. You can't be responsible for their actions only for your reactions.

This. I’d totally go. But I’m good at ignoring annoying people and not letting that stuff bother me.

[Anonymous]

What kinds of things will the in-laws expect from you if you take the trip? To wipe their butts and take care of them if they become incapacitated one day? To take them out as well once in a while? To me I guess it depends what they want back for this favor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d ask your husband what evidence he has that his parents have changed.

Maybe his family is different, but in my family no matter what they claim and no matter how much they pretend to just be generous, NO gift, even a cup of coffee comes without strings which is why I will not accept anything from them. There's a whole psychopathology that goes along with uses gifts to manipulate and that doesn't just rapidly evaporate without intervention. There's probably generations of selfish people who like to pretend they are generous and they drive you nuts. Cycle breaking takes work. I hope I am wrong OP, but I live it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Long story short, gifts from ILs always come with strings attached. ..ILs came into an inheritance and now want to “treat” us to a vacation alone, and will even watch our kids! It’s too good to be true! We all know how that saying goes.

Do I encourage him to decline the offer, reminding him the things mentioned above? Do I nudge him gently? Do I violently shake him awake?

ILs got an inheritance? Does this mean a GP bypassed a GC, the OP's DH? A single elderly sibling dies and left them $? Since ILs are offering a trip for two my guess is it's something they'll pay with accumulated points since otherwise they could generously gift the amount from the inheritance. That would be a treat.

Call their bluff and ask for cash. Or 529? Redo a powder room? Use it for anything.

I'm not sure how that's calling their bluff. If I offer to take a friend out for dinner, that doesn't mean I should just give her the cash if she asks. A gift is a gift. The issue is whether OP and her husband are willing to tell his parents to pound sand when they try to use this gift to pressure OP and DH into doing something they want. If you can trust yourself to say, "Oh, you're bringing up that vacation? Wasn't that a gift?" then maybe take the vacation. If not, say no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Long story short, gifts from ILs always come with strings attached. ..ILs came into an inheritance and now want to “treat” us to a vacation alone, and will even watch our kids! It’s too good to be true! We all know how that saying goes.

Do I encourage him to decline the offer, reminding him the things mentioned above? Do I nudge him gently? Do I violently shake him awake?

ILs got an inheritance? Does this mean a GP bypassed a GC, the OP's DH? A single elderly sibling dies and left them $? Since ILs are offering a trip for two my guess is it's something they'll pay with accumulated points since otherwise they could generously gift the amount from the inheritance. That would be a treat.

Call their bluff and ask for cash. Or 529? Redo a powder room? Use it for anything.

I'm not sure how that's calling their bluff. If I offer to take a friend out for dinner, that doesn't mean I should just give her the cash if she asks. A gift is a gift. The issue is whether OP and her husband are willing to tell his parents to pound sand when they try to use this gift to pressure OP and DH into doing something they want. If you can trust yourself to say, "Oh, you're bringing up that vacation? Wasn't that a gift?" then maybe take the vacation. If not, say no.

I wrote call their bluff because it forces them to show their hand or intention. A true gift of extra cash has no strings.

The ILs gifting a vacation is not the same thing as a friend joining you for dinner however the check is paid. This vacation gift is independent from their [ILs] participation. So if they are willing to give 10k let them give 10k.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd encourage him to turn it down, while also sympathizing with him that I too, wish it didn't have to be this way, that I wish his parents had changed and we could trust them to not throw the trip in our faces, etc.

Renegotiate and see if DH can instead get the cash.

No way would I accept a planned, forced vacation.
I’d say it wouldn’t work with my leave schedule.

Did you mention that ILs are offering babysitting services? There’s the rope attached! With an anchor.

[Anonymous]

PP and my mom does this; she gives her college student grandchildren a modest amount of cash (about $100) and says she’s happy to replace the amount in full provided they tell her what they spent the money on. Only one has asked for more and it was explained as had to someone out to lunch.