Encourage DH to turn down a gift because you know it comes with strings attached?

[Anonymous]

Long story short, gifts from ILs always come with strings attached. They’ll pull a “but we did X/gave X for/to you” whenever we don’t do whatever they want, when they want it. DH even had a bit of a falling out with them for a time because of it, but they’ve reconnected and swear up and down they see the error of their ways and have changed. ILs came into an inheritance and now want to “treat” us to a vacation alone, and will even watch our kids! It’s too good to be true! We all know how that saying goes.

I can tell DH is warring with himself because while the trip is deliciously enticing, their history is hard to ignore. As far as I’m concerned, no trip is worth being indebted to them, and he knows this too, but I think he hopes they’ve changed and that this is really out of the goodness of their heart (he’s 45 and should know people just don’t “change”, but I digress.)

What do I do? What do I do if he decides to accept? What if he does and it all goes to hell again.

Do I encourage him to decline the offer, reminding him the things mentioned above? Do I nudge him gently? Do I violently shake him awake?

[Anonymous]

A leopard doesn’t change its spots.

[Anonymous]

If he wants to go, tell him to go and have fun. You and the kids are staying home.

[Anonymous]

Eh, take the trip. If they pull “you have to do what we say because we have you xyz” tune them out.

Although I will say I have both an aunt and a sibling who have beach houses and I no longer stay at their houses even though they are fabulous houses because I dont want to deal with their nastiness and feel tied to them. So I get what you mean. It’s like, I’m rich and you’re not so you have to cater to me bs.

[Anonymous]

1. You can turn it down. In laws will be pissed.
2. You can take it and when they try to attach a string be blunt and clear. You agreed no strings. We would not have accepted or chosen this trip otherwise and hold firm on not giving in. In laws will be pissed.
3 You can take it and be their little puppet asking how high whenever they say jump. In laws will be thrilled even though you are miserable.

I personally would do number 1 or 2. People who attach strings to gifts are rarely kind, likable people. They are jerks who only want their way and go to extremes to manipulate people into giving them what they want. These people care very little for others.

[Anonymous]

You can only change yourselves. If they try to pull the tit-for-tat don't give in. You can't be responsible for their actions only for your reactions.

[Anonymous]

At a minimum pay for the trip yourself or decline. Or, he can go alone. My parents are like that. Life got so much better when I stopped taking anything from them (not even letting them pay for dinner). They control through money. Take away the control and decline the money.

[Anonymous]

I'd encourage him to turn it down, while also sympathizing with him that I too, wish it didn't have to be this way, that I wish his parents had changed and we could trust them to not throw the trip in our faces, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Eh, take the trip. If they pull “you have to do what we say because we have you xyz” tune them out.

Although I will say I have both an aunt and a sibling who have beach houses and I no longer stay at their houses even though they are fabulous houses because I dont want to deal with their nastiness and feel tied to them. So I get what you mean. It’s like, I’m rich and you’re not so you have to cater to me bs.

This, this is why I turn down "gifts" from my family. Any gift from my family has the understanding that you owe me and no amount of thank you's in writing and verbally are enough. You must kiss the ring and tell everyone of my generosity and then you owe me favors or I will guilt trip you and call you selfish. Nope. Some people use gifts" as instruments of torture. Yeah, I got the promise a gift was just a gift too until it wasn't. I actually have hated gifts my whole life because of this dance. All I can think when I get one is "what do you want from me and what do you think I owe you." I forbid gifts from my family for this very reason.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes people like this will be a PITA anyway. They can always hold over him that they gave him life and raised him. So you might as well have the gift if they're going to be like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. You can turn it down. In laws will be pissed.
2. You can take it and when they try to attach a string be blunt and clear. You agreed no strings. We would not have accepted or chosen this trip otherwise and hold firm on not giving in. In laws will be pissed.
3 You can take it and be their little puppet asking how high whenever they say jump. In laws will be thrilled even though you are miserable.

I personally would do number 1 or 2. People who attach strings to gifts are rarely kind, likable people. They are jerks who only want their way and go to extremes to manipulate people into giving them what they want. These people care very little for others.

My advice is #2 but you can only do that if you are capable of saying no. Most people aren't.

[Anonymous]

I’d ask your husband what evidence he has that his parents have changed.

[Anonymous]

I’d express appreciation but say that what would really be useful is if they could take that money and pour it into a 529 for u to our kids.

[Anonymous]

It's his decision, not yours. Stay out of it entirely

[Anonymous]

DH has all discussions about this with them. Not you. DH. Their son. But you of course should be 100 percent partnering with him on how he will respond.

If his parents actually said out loud previously that they realized they have attached strings in the past, and they will change, here's what I'd advise DH to do:

Talk to them and say he and you like the idea of the trip but he will only say yes to it if everyone is crystal clear that this is his birthday and/or holiday gift for this year. Period.

Zero other gifts and if they give him any, he'll politely but firmly return those gifts to them because the trip was his gift. And that if they are willing to stick to the deal that this is in place of ANY other birthday and holiday gifts, then he's pleased to say yes. I actually would also say (DH says it...not you...): "You remember we had that talk about gifts and strings or expectations being attached. This is why I'm saying I can accept this if it's your birthday present to me and without any strings after the fact." In other words, if they were sincere about being sorry for previous behaviors, they will accept what he says and be able to hear him repeat that they have attached strings in the past and promised to change. Adults should be able to say out loud, "This sounds like previous situations with gifts, and we need to clarify before I accept anything." He shouldn't have to tiptoe around their past behaviors re: gifts, especially if this has been discussed before!

Then go and ENJOY. If after the fact, they try to play the "But we gave you that trip" or "But we babysat the kids for X WHOLE DAYS and Sally had a cold and....and...." card, to get something they want, your DH puts on a big, happy smile and says, "Yes, the trip and the sitting were so appreciated! We'll always be grateful for that wonderful birthday present from you, so generously given without strings attached. Pass the potatoes please." Or another change of topic. Every. Single. Time. It's a birthday gift, hooray, thanks mom and dad! The birthday (or holiday) thing is so that DH can say every time that it was his birthday present, and move on. It would be harder for them to keep pressing that they want or need something, while reminding him of The Big Trip We Gave You, if that trip is NOT an out-of-the-blue extra but a specific gift for a specific gift-giving occasion.

This could actually be a good test of whether they are going to slip back into old ways or move on. If your DH is clear and frank with them now, it could be a good thing, giving you and DH a nice break, and letting the in-laws show that they really can give a gift without strings.