Experiences with shy kids

[Anonymous]

My 9 year old still has a lot of social anxiety, but if I look back and compare to when she was 6, it has improved. She will still slow-walk into new situations, she is very quiet, she has a hard time making eye contact, she frequently ignores or turns away from people who greet her, etc., but we are working on it slowly and with baby steps. We do ask that she acknowledges people who say hello to her and ask her a question - it's a work in progress though.

But here's an example of the baby steps: there's a really sweet boy who was in her class last year that we see at the pool most weekends and he always says hi to her. At the beginning of the summer, she wouldn't even look at him, sometimes she'd actively turn away so she wouldn't have to talk to him. We talked about the importance of acknowledging someone's greeting and that if she didn't feel comfortable saying hi, she could at least turn towards him and wave, so she did that for a few weeks, and then she worked her way up to making eye contact, waving, and saying "hi". And finally this past weekend, she replied with a loud and enthusiastic "hi!" back to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Its fine to be shy or reserved. There is nothing wrong with them. Not everyone has to be a social butterfly. Your love and trust would give her confidence and she'll gain confidence with age and exposure.

To give her opportunity to do so, get her involved in group activities. It can be anything from playdates with her age group to one on one discussion dates with adult relatives like grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins or paid activities like theater, toastmasters, group sports.

+1. I was a shy child and I consider myself a shy adult but no one except my closest friends would suspect this because over time I developed the ability to “act” not shy. It happened naturally and was not helped by any adults forcing me to do uncomfortable social things. But honestly I feel like shyness should be a neutral personality trait and I’m not sure why it isn’t. Not everyone needs to be extroverted. It’s a problem if it gets in the way of what your child wishes he/she could do, but it should not be a problem if it only gets in the way of what adults think a kid should/should not do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Its fine to be shy or reserved. There is nothing wrong with them. Not everyone has to be a social butterfly. Your love and trust would give her confidence and she'll gain confidence with age and exposure.

To give her opportunity to do so, get her involved in group activities. It can be anything from playdates with her age group to one on one discussion dates with adult relatives like grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins or paid activities like theater, toastmasters, group sports.

+1. I was a shy child and I consider myself a shy adult but no one except my closest friends would suspect this because over time I developed the ability to “act” not shy. It happened naturally and was not helped by any adults forcing me to do uncomfortable social things. But honestly I feel like shyness should be a neutral personality trait and I’m not sure why it isn’t. Not everyone needs to be extroverted. It’s a problem if it gets in the way of what your child wishes he/she could do, but it should not be a problem if it only gets in the way of what adults think a kid should/should not do.

I feel like you are criticizing those of us who say we are working with our children and forcing them to acknowledge/respond to greetings. IMO, these are life skills. I'm sorry if you feel like your parents pressured you into doing things you were uncomfortable with, but we are doing what we do under the advisement of a physician and a sibling who is a psychologist that works with children, so I'll take my advice from professionals and not just some rando who is shy, thanks.

[Anonymous]

I was extremely shy child and 5 and 6 years was probably the height of - like could not speak loud enough for the waitress to understand my order, never spoke in class unless called upon shy. Long story short I grew out of it and brief frequently and am considered outspoken as an adult though I am still an introvert just not perceived as one. It was a long journey but supportive parents, comfortable and supportive classrooms, and lots of gradual opportunities to perform first in dance roles, then small speaking parts, and ultimately larger speaking roles/debate opportunities went a long way to getting me out of my shell. I think everyone's underlying reasons for shyness differ and mine stemmed from being a natural introvert and was a bit environmental with two shy parents who expected no back talk from children. Just wanted to chime in that some but not all people outgrow their shyness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Its fine to be shy or reserved. There is nothing wrong with them. Not everyone has to be a social butterfly. Your love and trust would give her confidence and she'll gain confidence with age and exposure.

To give her opportunity to do so, get her involved in group activities. It can be anything from playdates with her age group to one on one discussion dates with adult relatives like grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins or paid activities like theater, toastmasters, group sports.

+1. I was a shy child and I consider myself a shy adult but no one except my closest friends would suspect this because over time I developed the ability to “act” not shy. It happened naturally and was not helped by any adults forcing me to do uncomfortable social things. But honestly I feel like shyness should be a neutral personality trait and I’m not sure why it isn’t. Not everyone needs to be extroverted. It’s a problem if it gets in the way of what your child wishes he/she could do, but it should not be a problem if it only gets in the way of what adults think a kid should/should not do.

I feel like you are criticizing those of us who say we are working with our children and forcing them to acknowledge/respond to greetings. IMO, these are life skills. I'm sorry if you feel like your parents pressured you into doing things you were uncomfortable with, but we are doing what we do under the advisement of a physician and a sibling who is a psychologist that works with children, so I'll take my advice from professionals and not just some rando who is shy, thanks.

Ok I didn’t criticize you, but you clearly took it personally and imagined criticism and also rudely tried to hurt me by discrediting my perspective and insulting me by calling me a “rando who is shy.” I was trying to offer a helpful perspective and I do not appreciate your attack. I also never said my parents pressured me into doing anything. They actually didn’t, and fiercely protected me from other adults who had expectations that were too much for me. Example: Uncle Ron wants all the kids to greet him with a hug. My mom knows this is horrifying for me. Instead of making me run away and hide or diss him myself (compounding the shyness with humiliation), she spoke up on my behalf and said little Larla is not fond of hugs these days Uncle Ron. Feel free to force your children to do whatever you think is important, but consider that you are teaching your child that his/her needs and comfort are secondary to the social needs/expectations of someone else, and what message that actually sends your child.