Experiences with shy kids

[Anonymous]

My DD is 6 and shy/uncomfortable at new situations. I try to prepare her as to what is going to happen (thanks for the advice, Daniel's mom "when we do something new, let's talk about what we'll do.....") and I let adults and kids know she takes longer to warm up. Any other advice? Has anyone helped their shy kid become a not-shy teenager?

[Anonymous]

Try theater or individual sports

[Anonymous]

Its fine to be shy or reserved. There is nothing wrong with them. Not everyone has to be a social butterfly. Your love and trust would give her confidence and she'll gain confidence with age and exposure.

To give her opportunity to do so, get her involved in group activities. It can be anything from playdates with her age group to one on one discussion dates with adult relatives like grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins or paid activities like theater, toastmasters, group sports.

[Anonymous]

When kids get a chance to talk to adults other than their own parents and they pay attention to them, kids tend to gain confidence and learn to speak up without hesitation.

[Anonymous]

She could also grow out of it. Last year, camp drop off was a miserable, hourlong experience because my then 6-year old was so shy and anxious being around all those new people. This year, it's a whole other story. He walks into his camps like he owns the place.

We read the book, "What to Do When You Feel Too Shy: A Kid's Guide to Overcoming Social Anxiety (What-to-Do Guides for Kids)" together last year and did the role playing exercises. That, combined with maturity, and a solid year *in class* has made a world of difference for us.

[Anonymous]

I just work to build confidence. She took to an activity quickly when she was 4, so we've kept up lessons in that so she has something she feels good and confident about. We also praise a lot and not just accomplishments. I do a lot of stuff like "I noticed that you helped that girl at the pool with her floatie -- that was very thoughtful for you to notice she needed help." Stuff to help pump her up about herself and let her know what her best qualities are and that they are valued. She's still shy (again, especially around adults) but seems less uncomfortable in her shyness than she used to be. I don't think she's ever going to be the kid who dives right into playing with new kids on the playground, but she's no longer the kid who asks to leave or sits on a bench with me while other kids play. She can introduce herself and will find one or two more approachable kids to play with, or will play on her own until someone joins her.

Also, she is on the younger side for her grade cohort and I think that has contributed to shyness -- she has often had to enter into a class with a group of kids who are mostly older and bigger, and that's intimidating. One thing we've done that helps her confidence is give her opportunities to be the bigger, older kid. She has several friends who are a bit younger than her and we will sometimes enroll her in a sport or activity with an age range she's at the top of (assuming it's not a situation where she'll be bored or way ahead of everyone else) so she can feel like the bigger, more experienced and capable kid sometimes. It really helps and she flourishes in that environment. She really likes being able to teach something she knows how to do to a younger kid, we've noticed.

If other people have advice that will help with the shyness around adults, I'm all ears! She is even shy around teachers even after months of being in their classrooms. We have a few family friends she's known for years that she's not super shy around (still a little but she will talk and interact with them) but we've had to build that up over her whole life. It takes her a really long time to warm up to new adults, even when they are vetted and trusted and comfortable around kids.

[Anonymous]

Stop telling her and people around her that she's shy. Tell her that she's FEELING shy. Feelings can change, personalities don't. So if you're constantly telling people in front of her what she's like; she will internalize that and not have room to grow.

That said, being shy isn't bad. Push her a little past her comfort zones to prepare her for the world, but also be okay id she's more of an observer. If you suspect anxiety, look into therapy if she's refusing to do a lot due to anxiety/shyness.

[Anonymous]

One thing I've learned with an anxious child (though not social anxiety), is that anxiety wants certainty and predictability, so while preparing and talking things through in advance can help in the moment, they don't teach skills to process and live with the anxiety itself. Instead, we work on normalizing anxious feelings (it's normal and okay to have those feelings) and don't try to avoid avoid or prevent them. We make space for them, name them, acknowledge them, then use skills (from the "toolbox") to work through them. Continued exposure is important. And social anxiety specifically often gets better with time. You may find that she grows out of a lot of it in the next few years. 9 year olds are naturally a lot more independent from their parents than 6 year olds. She may still be reserved, but the world needs introverts too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One thing I've learned with an anxious child (though not social anxiety), is that anxiety wants certainty and predictability, so while preparing and talking things through in advance can help in the moment, they don't teach skills to process and live with the anxiety itself. Instead, we work on normalizing anxious feelings (it's normal and okay to have those feelings) and don't try to avoid avoid or prevent them. We make space for them, name them, acknowledge them, then use skills (from the "toolbox") to work through them. Continued exposure is important. And social anxiety specifically often gets better with time. You may find that she grows out of a lot of it in the next few years. 9 year olds are naturally a lot more independent from their parents than 6 year olds. She may still be reserved, but the world needs introverts too.

I am not the OP, but this is excellent advice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop telling her and people around her that she's shy. Tell her that she's FEELING shy. Feelings can change, personalities don't. So if you're constantly telling people in front of her what she's like; she will internalize that and not have room to grow.

That said, being shy isn't bad. Push her a little past her comfort zones to prepare her for the world, but also be okay id she's more of an observer. If you suspect anxiety, look into therapy if she's refusing to do a lot due to anxiety/shyness.

Not OP, but thank you for the reminder to name the feeling not the personality;

[Anonymous]

I was a really shy kid and would not consider myself shy as an adult. I would encourage getting her involved in group activities but don't push anything that makes her uncomfortable. She may not be into sports and that's ok. Try scouts or music or art.

[Anonymous]

Consider shyness a feeling, not a terminal diagnosis.
Feelings can change, and all feelings are valid

[Anonymous]

My younger child can be very shy in new situations. I have learned to think of it as him needing more time to be comfortable than any inability for him to be comfortable. I still remember the first party we went to after isolating for so long because of COVID and he just clung to me for 45 minutes. I had read some where to say “he’ll play when he’s ready” instead of saying he’s shy or whatever and I gritted my teeth and said it over and over while chatting with other kids and parents. After a loooonnng time I was just about to take him home when he discovered an activity he was really excited about and warmed up. He had a great time after that and got super excited for cake. I have had a lot of success with that general approach although it doesn’t work out for drop off things (which are just much harder in general but for us I think it’s separation anxiety more than anything)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One thing I've learned with an anxious child (though not social anxiety), is that anxiety wants certainty and predictability, so while preparing and talking things through in advance can help in the moment, they don't teach skills to process and live with the anxiety itself. Instead, we work on normalizing anxious feelings (it's normal and okay to have those feelings) and don't try to avoid avoid or prevent them. We make space for them, name them, acknowledge them, then use skills (from the "toolbox") to work through them. Continued exposure is important. And social anxiety specifically often gets better with time. You may find that she grows out of a lot of it in the next few years. 9 year olds are naturally a lot more independent from their parents than 6 year olds. She may still be reserved, but the world needs introverts too.

I am not the OP, but this is excellent advice

Well thanks. We had a really hard day today and this was nice to hear. These things are hard and a long term effort, but teaching them the skills they need to handle things themselves is worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop telling her and people around her that she's shy. Tell her that she's FEELING shy. Feelings can change, personalities don't. So if you're constantly telling people in front of her what she's like; she will internalize that and not have room to grow.

That said, being shy isn't bad. Push her a little past her comfort zones to prepare her for the world, but also be okay id she's more of an observer. If you suspect anxiety, look into therapy if she's refusing to do a lot due to anxiety/shyness.

Not OP, but thank you for the reminder to name the feeling not the personality;

I honestly wouldn’t even say that in front of her. Just, she is taking some time to warm up etc. You can be shy but it’s not an excuse to not talk to people. I don’t force lots of interaction but I do ask that she says hi to adults we know. That she introduce herself when someplace where others don’t know her. 9/10 times the other person Carries the conversation from there. Or even if they don’t, that’s fine. She has done enough. But unless you have a kid with real anxiety it is something to work on.